How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

Does he work in a boarding school?

No, boarding duty is written into their contracts.

17.30 is a pretty standard finishing time for independent schools as they offer activities (often compulsory ones) and lots of sports after school. Teachers are often also required to do things like homework clubs or to supervise the computer room or the libraries.

I'm just reading some of your updates OP

He is still early on in his career and I hope he can streamline his workload in the future as another poster mentioned. He has the shitty end of the stick as is the sole FT teacher for a particularly challenging course to teach, lots of additional hours needed to plan and mark etc but hopefully this will get easier.

I think this is also possibly a difference for lots of people. Most people I know with children who are teachers (and double teacher couples like us) are 10 years into their career when they have kids. So I have lots of work to do which is basically management work and administration and marking and I do teach new things and plan lessons, but it's generally only one new course a year because I've been teaching for a decade so for example the GCSE course I teach hasn't changed for a while. I'm in a supportive department which has a number of staff who all pull their weight. So the work I do need to do like marking can be easily done at home after bedtime. I would say that he needs to prioritise getting home and then starting work again once he's done his share. This isn't ideal - I was always a person who would rather stay at work late to get things done but it's not possible after children, you have to adapt.

However, I'd never work in a boarding school without accomodation with a 40 minute commute so you do need to also try and set up your life to make things easier.

But you also consequently have a choice - teachers can work anywhere...

It's not really that straightforward when you have a partner and children to consider as well.

Also housing costs and commuting time comes into it too.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee OP mentions a commute with her child on public transport which suggests to me a city or large town. That means there will be a number of independent schools/schools more generally and probably somewhere with better working conditions than this.

I would get a cleaner a couple of times a week to help with the load. X

All these posts saying how hard it is to work in a boarding school add up to one thing -it's not sustainable if OP is struggling with family life. It is only worth it if they perhaps want to send the DC there on reduced fees and that doesn't sound likely as it seems they have more than one DC with another on the way, and the OP already mentions a financial burden. Plus the school is a 30-40 minute commute on top of long hours on site.

There are plenty of teaching jobs with more flexible hours. Even if the workload is still high in a state school there is more possibility of doing stuff at home after the DC are in bed, and he could find something with a shorter commute.

You see I don’t think people who aren’t teachers get it.

I teach 6 hours a day, but I work 7.30am to 5 pm in school -but the workload : 6x 1 lesson with pupils asking constant questions, keeping them off track, live marking- in a state school I might have 30 or more. I have planned about 3 different levels (45 minutes of planning) and I have prepared resources for this lesson (30 minutes - 1 hour) and then it’s probably at least 30 minutes to double check everyone has got it - so that one hour lesson has taken me 3 hours. Then I have to pick up any issues that arise eg behaviour, mobile phone out, unkind comments … so that 6 hour teaching day actually takes me 18 and that’s just my teaching. Then of course I have pupils I am pastorally responsible for and I deal daily with their personal, family, academic and social issues, challenging their narrative or sexist or racist comments- that is a minimum of 1 hour and then of course I have to write the scheme of work in the first place, do detentions, attend staff meetings, do duty at break and lunchtime plan assemblies and interesting talks for them and run competitions. I work both on Saturdays and Sundays at home and I also pull one or two nights a week where I literally work through and don’t go to bed just to keep on top. Then there is mocks, exams, tests, feedback, reports, progress checks etc never mind supporting other colleagues - I am mentoring a newly qualified teacher than takes at least an hour a week. Then I run 3 lunchtime clubs and 2 duties break and lunch and then of course if I run a trip there are 15 forms in my school from risk assessments, contact details double checking, transport assessment, medical issues, safeguarding issues to complete and double check and if - god forbid I’m on a trip - I still have to set 6 hours of cover and make sure it is all sorted before I go!!! Never mind dealing with parents ……

we are watching for child protection, making sure they eat, teaching them manners and social skills, teaching them confidence and problem resolution, we are teaching and supporting children that have been abused by adults, or victims of DV, self harm, or peer abuse or sexual or physical or neglect. Or clearly autistic but waiting on a 3 year diagnosis on the nhs. One of my pupils does not eat at home - I make sure I have breakfast ready (which I pay for) and settle him on the mornings etc -

the average life expectancy of a teacher on my subject is 68 I retire at 67. Great.

But yes of course it is the same as anyone else pulling a day’s work and we are all melodramatic … oh and you do it all with snide comments from the public, others, parents , the government and are flogged for not doing your best. Aka being a machine and superhuman!

I AM EXHAUSTED

other people say leave but how …. I can’t leave. My child (one of them) is in my school. I’m a single parents and I’ve done this and if I leave and others like me - back to home schooling we go. But I can’t afford to leave and I can’t afford to stay. Added to all this I get no benefits as a single parent. We don’t go on holiday etc ever UK or otherwise and I do work in all my holidays.

But I am prone to ‘exceptionalism’ - damn right teachers are the epitome of exceptionalism - absolutely right as a profession we are!!!

Exactly this. DH and I are teachers. We don’t have cleaners, DC in wraparound care, every evening one or both DC have a club and weekends are taken up with fixtures.

We still manage to cook, clean and do our own hobbies - obviously takes organisation e.g. I’m just back from a run, DH has got DS ready for football, I’ll drive DS to football and DH will run to the match and meet us there.

As Mn often says, you have a husband problem.

I'm not sure why everyone is saying all indie schools require longer hours. I have 2 good friends who work in Indie schools, one leaves more or less as school finishes, and takes work home. The other is SLT leaves around 5.30 or 6pm most days and doesnt take work home. They don't seem to have a worse work-life balance then anyone else, although neither are boarding schools.

Also ask him on the nights he's home to do the bedtime routine and do the dishwasher ect.
I am sure if you ask he will not refuse.

My husband is a teacher and does the lion's share of household things. I'm also a teacher but SLt so have more after school commitments.
I don't think it's teaching that's the issue here. Unless he's in his first two years or running the school that is.

Yep, but they may not have vacancies in his subject, or the pay might be worse, or maybe they're playing the long game so that the kids benefit from reduced fees.

I agree that his job and commute don't sound compatible with family life but it's not always as easy as "well, just change jobs."

As an aside, we also live in a town with a bus route but there's still only one secondary school within half an hours' drive. Town/city doesn't automatically mean loads of choice.

@TheCheeseTray what you are describing is not normal. Either you are massively exaggerating or you are one of these teacher martyrs.

I am a secondary English teacher with additional responsibility and a tutor group and my working week does not look like that.

If you are really taking 3 hours over every 1 hour lesson, then I feel sorry for your ECT, as you are nothing like the excellent mentor I had.

I think this is completely inexcusable workaholism and avoidance of his responsibilities from your DH.

Im a teacher and although DH does the breakfast club and after school pick up and dinner on school nights, I get home and take over playing, reading, bath, bed, Laundry, house work, food shopping and homework.

I have to force myself to leave my desk at 5pm and it’s hard leaving stuff undone but if I don’t, my relationships with DH and DD suffer. If the workload at school is larger than the time allocated, they need to employ another member of staff. It doesn’t make my family a sacrificial lamb for the strength of the school who wouldn’t give a shit about me if I ended up getting divorced.

If DH and my rl suffered to the extent that we split up I’d have to deal with all of the domestic load 50% anyway.

Tell your DH that he needs to have boundaries with his work or you will leave him.

You only need to read any mn post to understand why teachers work crazy hours. Every one advises:
'Raise hell...write a complaint...go to the governors....inform Ofsted...go down that school first thing and don't leave until it's dealt with...'
Students are brilliant and keep you in the job but parents are increasingly demanding and want instant fixes and constant communication.

Friend works in a boarding school. He regularly works 14h days even before evening and weekend duties. He has a very good salary - state salaries are far lower. He lives next to school, so no commute (some of the boarding houses are further.) He has a cleaner and often eats in school. He's exhausted by term end. He is very good at what he does, and he finds it fulfilling, but I do worry he doesn't really get a break in term time.

If you can move closer, it would help. Can you get a cleaner? If he moves to state or independent day, can you afford the lower salary? It is boarding life, though. They own your soul in termtime.

Thecheese- teacher here - you are spending too long planning lessons. Why aren’t you able to reuse lessons from previous years? Why does it take you 30 mins to check that everyone had got it? Use whiteboards for quick while class checks. Does everything need to be marked? Most teachers mark less but better/deeper these days. Deal with issues as they arise not later. Do you have no free periods? You should not have an hour worth of issues arriving each lesson, do you need extra support with behaviour management. It’s not your sole responsibility to manage all these issues - delegate or send higher. You shouldn’t need to write sows every year. You do not need to give a child breakfast and you don’t need to run lunchtime clubs, competitions or extra trips. Just decide to do less! Sometimes good enough is ok! Some lessons can be simple but effective - explain something and do a task. If stuff doesn’t get done by bedtime don’t do it. Prioritise. You won’t get a prize for doing more than you need!

Do you work in boarding schools?

Or unless he works in a boarding school?

Do you work at a boarding school?

God I hope none of the teachers posting on here, and who are completely incapable of understanding that the OP is talking about a Boarding School, teach either history or English comprehension!! Or indeed any subject where you have to read and understand what is being said

God I hope none of the teachers posting on here, and who are completely incapable of understanding that the OP is talking about a Boarding School, teach either history or English comprehension!! Or indeed any subject where you have to read and understand what is being said.

Well quite. Plus some people seem to be under the impression that it's the fact that a school is 'indie' that means late evening hours on site, rather than the fact it's a boarding school. I mean, god knows teachers in all sectors have a workload problem, but that doesn't generally involve being actually in school at 9pm!

I think this is completely inexcusable workaholism and avoidance of his responsibilities from your DH.

Got it in one here. All jobs can be busy and stressful. Just because he’s a teacher, it doesn’t make him any more (or less) important than anyone else. He needs to learn to manage his time. At the moment, you’re propping up the patriarchy by enabling his job role. You have an equal right to a decent and fulfilling career and an equal role in your marriage. You’re not there to be his PA and to facilitate the rest of family life while he swans around doing as he pleases.

I do understand boarding schools. Which is maybe why I'm suggesting that a boarding school job is not the best idea for an early career teacher without a department with a pregnant wife and a child with SEN who lives 40 mins away from work... I understand that you can't always change job easily, but something has to give here it sounds like? Also, some of the reasons the OP mentioned her DH staying at work are not boarding duty they are doing his own prep. Which can be done at home or scaled back. Or done in the very long holidays.