Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Divorcing Friends

193 replies

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:29

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

OP posts:
IncognitoUsername · 18/02/2024 20:33

Have you asked her how she would feel about you meeting up with the husband and the gf?

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:42

@IncognitoUsername we did try to broach it ages ago and she said while she’d understand we would want to see him (our old friend) of ‘course/obviously’ we wouldn’t want to become friends with her (they worked together, the girlf knew he was married and my friend was on Mat leave when it all started so some strong feelings there)

More recently she’s said she wouldn’t feel comfortable if we socialised with him while they’re currently in mediation and doing the finances as she might tell us sensitive stuff- we don’t talk to him about that though of course.

We haven’t been clear we’re seeing him which is probably not for the best but it just sort of happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:44

It’s just a bit if a nightmare. It’s my DH’s 50th soon and we’d like all our friends together but currently not sure they’ll be in a room together so who the hell do we pick?!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Waterdropsdown · 18/02/2024 20:47

Surely it’s obvious who you pick?!

Pegasusforme · 18/02/2024 20:53

How would you react if your DH did to you what this loser did to his wife?

This will determine what sort of a friend you really are.

I can’t believe you even had to ask.

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:54

@Waterdropsdown Theyre both old friends, who knows what goes on inside a marriage, he hasn’t been beating her or anything. I think she isn’t being a particularly good friend by expecting us to cut him off for something that didn’t really affect us and making it impossible not to choose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:55

@Pegasusforme of course I’d be really upset. The guy clearly really loves this woman though, it’s not like it’s a fling. He can’t help falling in love and he deserves friends too.

OP posts:
mumyes · 18/02/2024 20:57

I'm sorry but you can't sit on the fence in such clearly unethical situations.

The bloke cheated, he & the new gf lied. Why would you even want to be friends with someone who cheats & lies.

You need to choose.

Bookworm3459 · 18/02/2024 20:58

Are you for real? I would never remain friends with someone who cheated like that. I can't believe how you defend him

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 20:59

This happened in our friendship group years ago. We were mainly couples, mostly from uni. The bloke had an affair and he wasn’t someone we wanted to be around. A couple of the men seen him occasionally for a year or so but they couldn’t see him in the same way again. If they would have just split up, it would have been different, but there was so much lying with the affair that none of us trusted him again.

Octavia64 · 18/02/2024 21:01

If he cheated while his wife was on maternity leave then it sounds like he cheated literally just after they'd had a baby.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be staying friends with him.

Yes people do fall in love and you can't help it but you can damn well behave appropriately ie finish one relationship before starting another.

JanewaysBun · 18/02/2024 21:01

"Was on mat leave" aka had just given birth and was caring for a small baby. Tbh i dont think he deserves friends if he ducks out of his responsibilities to shag other women.

mumyes · 18/02/2024 21:01

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:54

@Waterdropsdown Theyre both old friends, who knows what goes on inside a marriage, he hasn’t been beating her or anything. I think she isn’t being a particularly good friend by expecting us to cut him off for something that didn’t really affect us and making it impossible not to choose.

Who knows & quite frankly, who gives a flying fuck!

Marriage is a contract. If you want to break that contract, fine, so be it. But do it decently. And that - at a bare minimum -means leaving before moving onto your next shag.

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

OP posts:
Workawayxx · 18/02/2024 21:03

I’m afraid in this situation and with less than 2 years on from the wife finding out (how long ago was that?). It’s really early days and if you meet the ow and become friends then you probably have to accept that you will lose her as a friend. So it’s up to you really. It’s clear she has been very hurt by her husbands actions and you seem fairly dismissive so maybe there’s your answer.

One of my best friends became friends with the OW in my situation. I actually tried to stay friends but with things I’d naturally speak about and things she would, it became clear it was untenable and we aren’t friends now. I’m desperately sad to have missed out on her beautiful children’s lives but it just wasn’t feasible to be friends in that situation.

my brother and his wife were in a similar situation to you and my SIL was particularly close to the wife and naturally resistant to being friends with OW. It took a long while and is still quite awkward but maybe 6/7 years on, the OW is gradually entering the friendship group.

SD1978 · 18/02/2024 21:03

So you'd be happy that in the same circumstances, being cheated on with young children involved, for your friends to not have your back when your husband shagged around. Because if he's found love that makes it ok.....

Carriemac · 18/02/2024 21:03

You are not a nice friend

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:04

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:54

@Waterdropsdown Theyre both old friends, who knows what goes on inside a marriage, he hasn’t been beating her or anything. I think she isn’t being a particularly good friend by expecting us to cut him off for something that didn’t really affect us and making it impossible not to choose.

It didn’t affect you? Fucking hell. Your friend took it badly and was ‘spinning out for a whole year and that didn’t impact you really.

Seeing my lovely friend cheated on and what she went through really impacted me and all of our group. You can’t be very close friends for that not to get to you. My friend was so hurt, I felt physically sick for her and we all needed to help puck up the pieces.

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:05

*pick

Myohmywonderful · 18/02/2024 21:06

Who needs enemies with friends like you! He’s a scumbag cheating on his wife after she’d just given birth to their child. There’s no way I’d be friends with someone who would stoop so low and betray his own family. Stop excusing him.

thedendrochronologist · 18/02/2024 21:07

Well I don't think people should cheat and can never condone it. So I'd go for female friend. But I would have cut contact with male friend at revaluation of a marriage ending affair and been there to support her.

As you don't seem bothered by the cheating and deception and see it as "you can't help who you fall in love with". Go with who you prefer.

But don't continue to deceive this poor woman who is sharing confidential information with on the basis you are not in contact with her exH. Pretty despicable. And no of course you would never share details of their mediation but you should never be in that situation.

When this happend I lb a situation I know the man who had the affair respected that and went to ground. What an arrogant man to ruin the marriage and keep the friends!

TitaniasAss · 18/02/2024 21:07

We had an almost identical situation. Except I have no desire to see the husband now as he's a cheating prick and put our friend through hell. We've all been friends for over 20 years and DH still sees the husband and I'm OK with that, but I won't be seeing him or his girlfriend. I am firmly in the wife's camp and it wasn't a difficult choice to make at all and I would feel disloyal to her if I 'replaced' her in the group with her ex's new girlfriend. I don't know how you can even consider it tbh.

Bobbybobbins · 18/02/2024 21:07

I think considering inviting him to the 50th over her is pretty low.

ThePriceIsWright · 18/02/2024 21:09

Wow! This harshness towards OP is totally unnecessary. None of this is her fault, she's just stuck in the middle. Crap situation to be in totally

IfYouDontAsk · 18/02/2024 21:09

Choose the disgusting low life cheating man because the wife deserves better friends to be honest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread