Divorcing Friends

[Stickinthemuddle]

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

Wow. I think you should ditch the wife and hang with the cheating ex husband. I think your values are far better aligned with his.

I'm now thinking the same. I think this is a windup

The OP comes across as very unworldy - naive - and lacking in basic understanding of human nature.

To be fair there are people like this.

My stbxh cheated on me multiple times, assaulted me, screamed abuse at me and the dcs. And yet several friends still chose him over us despite his conviction for assault and having heard recordings of his abuse.

Don't expect people to all outraged about cheaters and abusers. They just don't give a shit.

I have experienced this too. Luckily most people have my back and think his behaviour has been and is awful but my ex still has all his friends thinking he's such a nice guy with a bit of a temper. He's an aggressive and abusive man who continues to harass and abuse me post separation.

If people called out bad behaviour and held them to account I would hope that men would be shamed into behaving like a civilised human beings but they are enabled by friends and family.

We had a similar situation. It was hard but we chose the wife. She was the wronged party. I know my dh still texts him from time to time but that's it.

I also know their marriage wasn't perfect, there were other issues but he chose to cheat rather than fix the issues or part ways like a grown up.

I

OP and her friends have already made their choice and chosen the man. Crummy friends.

I’m speechless tbh.

You choose the one who isn’t a lying cheat.

I think you're very disloyal

Your thread has actually really upset me. I lost some friends in a similar scenario after my fiancé cheated and left me for the other woman. I was left with nothing but a wedding to cancel whilst he moved her in, had a baby immediately then got married. My ‘friends’ attended their wedding saying we should ‘all just move on’ and ‘be happy for them’. I was still trying to rebuild my life and self confidence after his betrayal, to then realise all my friends had betrayed me too. It was a very lonely time.

A few years have passed but since your post I’ve found myself looking up my ex and the OW online and see
that they’re living an amazing life. Big house, she isn’t having to work. My dream. But apparently I’m a worthless POS and don’t deserve a nice life or loyal friends.

I would think of it the other-way that you didn't marry someone that would treat you in that way. I would never trust someone that cheated and treated someone so actually feel sorry for her to be married so someone like that. I hope you find someone truly deserving of you and some decent friends. People like this exist.

The ex sounds manipulative and you're all falling for it.

Poor lamb had been unhappy for years. Not so unhappy he stopped knobbing his wife and created another child though.

Poor lamb now comes as a package with the new gf, it's both of them or neither. Yet the person you refer to as "your friend" is the one issuing ultimatums. Try telling g the ex you are all happy to maintain a relationship with him but the OW is not negotiable. Call his bluff. See if he's all very reasonable then.

"what I/we want is for her to get to a place where she could socialise at larger events with them. They do kids’ birthdays and parents evenings etc together (not with the girlf admittedly) which is why it’s frustrating she feels she can’t do more of the things we used to."

Yeah, you all sound like you are cut from the same cloth as the ex. Selfish twunts, the lot of you.

Just cut ties with your friend. I hope she has an alternative support network that sound like they actually like her.

You would be surprised how many people would take the man's side. Irrespective of who is at fault. Couples tend to side with the man where they have both been friends with him. This is what I have observed.

Honestly OP, you have no idea how much damage this sort of situation does. She is dealing with single parenthood every day. It's not a thing that happened two years ago and is done with. It's an ongoing situation. Every time her life is trickier because she's on her own, it's there.

I've rarely felt so validated by a MN comment!

It means the world when friends see your reality and stand by you.

Once a mutual friend of mine and xh mentioned she saw him and his new gf at an event, I asked if she she spoke to the new gf, she said yes and my god! I almost collapsed with the pain of it - I was absolutely not expecting to feel that till that moment! I'm not someone to show emotion in public normally, certainly not in public.

I went to the loos (we were out) and howled like a wounded animal. Honetly I'm a very normal and sane person who'd been coping really well. My reaction shocked me.

Please doen't underestimate the value of loyalty.

@Scallops I agree with everything you say about loyalty, someone in your corner. The disloyalty I have seen and experienced over the years amazes me, I don't know how people sleep at night. I'm beginning to think I'm the odd one out!

And the pain you so articulately describe, its physical alright..

OP I hope things have sorted themselves out and everyone is 'happy', though your friend might pay you lip service but be seething. It is bloody awful being in your friends situation!

I don’t think you particularly like the wife, just reading between the lines…. She’s a ‘big’ personality, he found his voice, it didn’t really affect you etc. You’re not a friend to her, if you were, you wouldn’t have to ask what to do in this situation.

He cheated on her while she was on maternity leave….. 🤔

This is interesting. The only reason I can think why is that a single or newly attached man is perceived to be less of a threat to another marriage than a single woman, however unfair and shitty that notion is. A lot of women get very over protective of their own husbands when other marriages fall apart.

It’s all the more crap as the woman most likely has a lot more stress and responsibility if they have children as she will usually be doing the lions share of parenting etc. and would be in need of the most support.