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Original poster

Divorcing Friends

193 replies

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:29

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:09

@FindANewFavouritePlace We absolutely picked up the pieces! I babysat to help her date and we all took her out for meals and listened for months and months. I haven’t mentioned that as I didn’t want to seem like a bad friend.

I can of course see I’m maybe just expecting too much too soon- 2 years feels very long to us but appreciate longer if you’re doing it.

I don’t think she realises how sad we’d be to lose his friendship as she has such a low opinion of him at the moment.

I can see he did something very very wrong and we have all told him it’s an awful thing to have done but at the end of the day we can’t berate him every time we see him, you have to draw a line under it at some point

OP posts:
JollyJanuary · 18/02/2024 21:09

'He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.' Poor chap, so the only option left was to cheat on his wife who was caring for their baby

jm9138 · 18/02/2024 21:10

I am going to go against the grain here. You are right - you don't know what goes on in a marriage. You don't know how she treated him. So many threads here about women unhappy in a sexless marriage, what if that was the same for him? What if she was emotionally or physically abusive? You have no clue.

Having said all that it is a very unenviable position and I can't help thinking you will have to choose one or the other.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
StealthMama · 18/02/2024 21:10

Well clearly you should ditch the husband and be loyal to your friend who was cheated on by her husband whilst she was on maternity leave.....

Having said that, you seem to think so little of her that you've been dishonest to her about this so far, whilst her whole life is already up in the air, so frankly, perhaps she doesn't need friends like you?

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:11

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

He didn’t lie to us but he did lie to our friend.

In your case, if he’d been unhappy for years, he should have used his new found voice to tell her, not stick his cock in someone else. His voice isn’t in his pants.

I think this woman would be better off without you, no loyalty and more worried about your pub quiz. Some people are shit friends.

Ihatespellingmisteaks · 18/02/2024 21:12

I don't see why you can't invite them both to your dh's party. It's up to them if they come. Don't allow either of them to emotionally blackmail you into taking sides. If you want to be friends with them both then do it. You genuinely do not have to take sides.

Shit happens in relationships and people do bad things but it does not make them bad people.

MichaelAndEagle · 18/02/2024 21:13

It doesn't matter if he didn't lie or cheat to you, he is still a liar and a cheat. That alone should affect your opinion of him.
Added to that he did this to a friend of yours....
Why do you still want to be friends with him? Don't you look at him differently now?

Gymmum82 · 18/02/2024 21:15

You’re going to have to pick a side and not see the other one. Now personally I know which side id be picking and it wouldn’t be the side of a man who cheated on his newly given birth wife, while she was pregnant and looking after their newborn baby because he “hadn’t been happy for years” boo fucking hoo maybe he should have left before he impregnated her then cheated on her!
But since you continue to defend this absolute scum you’re better off staying friends with him and leaving the betrayed ex wife to at least find some real friends who have her back

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:15

jm9138 · 18/02/2024 21:10

I am going to go against the grain here. You are right - you don't know what goes on in a marriage. You don't know how she treated him. So many threads here about women unhappy in a sexless marriage, what if that was the same for him? What if she was emotionally or physically abusive? You have no clue.

Having said all that it is a very unenviable position and I can't help thinking you will have to choose one or the other.

Then he should have left, not cheated. Then he would have been free to start a new relationship and the situation would have been completely different.

He couldn’t speak up to say he was unhappy but just about struggled on and found enough confidence to fuck someone else. Thoughts and prayers are with him. Poor little lamb. 🙄

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:15

@Ihatespellingmisteaks Yes DH thinks this is the thing to do.

She’s been no saint post split and has lied to him about money but I’ve not disclosed that to him, am aware the circumstances of the affair paint him in an awful light

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 18/02/2024 21:15

You've already made your decision. You clearly are wanting to be friends with the shitty cheater. Even if it was my very best friend I wouldnt be defending them or making excuses "it's not like he beat her or anything", no he just cheated on her at a very vulnerable time and left her with a newborn. He really found his voice to get himself a new partner didn't he. You've already broken her trust by being friends with him when she asked you not to, due to potential of passing info. All the deceit and going behind her back shows her who you are as a friend and all the babysitting on the world doesn't make you a good friend if you're going behind her back, meeting the ex, potentially befriending the person he cheated with and defending what he did. You already know which relationship you are prioritising

Myohmywonderful · 18/02/2024 21:16

You are a terrible friend, you’ve been lying to her face and excusing his shitty behaviour. Pick him so she can get better friends.

user1471522343 · 18/02/2024 21:16

I agree.

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:17

@MichaelAndEagle it has really changed how I view him, yes. I guess I’m trying to be a good friend to both- people will make mistakes in their lives.

OP posts:
user1471522343 · 18/02/2024 21:17

Sorry - with spelling mistakes.

jm9138 · 18/02/2024 21:18

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:15

Then he should have left, not cheated. Then he would have been free to start a new relationship and the situation would have been completely different.

He couldn’t speak up to say he was unhappy but just about struggled on and found enough confidence to fuck someone else. Thoughts and prayers are with him. Poor little lamb. 🙄

Show quote history

Well I agree with you there. Always better to just leave. I also missed the part about her being on maternity leave.

IfYouDontAsk · 18/02/2024 21:19

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/02/2024 21:15

You've already made your decision. You clearly are wanting to be friends with the shitty cheater. Even if it was my very best friend I wouldnt be defending them or making excuses "it's not like he beat her or anything", no he just cheated on her at a very vulnerable time and left her with a newborn. He really found his voice to get himself a new partner didn't he. You've already broken her trust by being friends with him when she asked you not to, due to potential of passing info. All the deceit and going behind her back shows her who you are as a friend and all the babysitting on the world doesn't make you a good friend if you're going behind her back, meeting the ex, potentially befriending the person he cheated with and defending what he did. You already know which relationship you are prioritising

Couldn’t agree more! And the “we just want to do pub quizzes!” comment. Like the poor wife having her life ripped apart through no fault of her own is such an inconvenience. Just awful.

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:19

Also child wasn’t a new born due to an extended leave- but yes, well under 2. The affair didn’t start while she was immediately post partum.

OP posts:
FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:20

I just saw she was on maternity leave. What a bastard. You’re a terrible friend OP. If this is even real.

Myohmywonderful · 18/02/2024 21:20

That makes no difference. He certainly found his voice when his cock ended up inside another woman.

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:21

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:19

Also child wasn’t a new born due to an extended leave- but yes, well under 2. The affair didn’t start while she was immediately post partum.

What a hero, he waited to have his affair. A true prince among men.

frenchcheeses · 18/02/2024 21:22

I was in a similar situation and I ended up dropping the friends who remained friends with my ex. I realised my life would be better without such disloyalty in it. And it was.

pictoosh · 18/02/2024 21:24

People are never all good or all bad. Cheating is bad of course but a cheat is not ALL he is, not to anyone outside of the marriage.
Other factors come into play such as shared history and personal experience as well as specific circumstances. The variables are way too many for any of us to tell the OP she is a bad friend.

SnackQueen · 18/02/2024 21:28

I chose the friend whose heart had been broken into a thousand pieces and whose life had been turned upside down by the one person they thought they knew and could trust over anyone else in the world. It wasn't a difficult decision for me at all. It was the right decision. The fact I had known the other friend longer and had a closer friendship with them was irrelevant; they had done something completely unforgivable.

Also, the fact that this guy is flaunting the mistress around so soon after the affair came to light and demanding mutual friends include her in everything despite the awkward situation this puts everyone in shows what a selfish self-absorbed prick he really is. He can fuck right off.

PoisonMaple · 18/02/2024 21:30

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:55

@Pegasusforme of course I’d be really upset. The guy clearly really loves this woman though, it’s not like it’s a fling. He can’t help falling in love and he deserves friends too.

I hope your female friend ditches you. Really, do her a favour and be his exclusive friend, she doesn't need a snake like you.

He cheated on her.

She was at the start of her mat leave at the time.

Your response, 'you can't help falling in love' - no, but you can help cheating!!!