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Original poster

Divorcing Friends

193 replies

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:29

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

OP posts:
pokebowls · 19/02/2024 15:20

HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 14:51

Is it because you don't think sexual betrayal is a serious thing or the cause of real pain? If he had beat her, or raped her, something along those lines, would that pain be serious enough for you not to expect her to be around him? I think it's clear from this thread that people are struggling to understand where your boundaries lie. It seems like you and your partner don't think a sexual affair causes serious enough hurt to justify her wanting to stay away from him, or that he should face any social consequences for being the perpetrator of that hurt.

I would see it as I don't know the ins and outs of their private/home life so I'm not going to judge the tail end of what was probably just a doomed marriage. There was possibly all kinds of inappropriate unkind behaviours. The affair was likely only the end. Who knows who did what

DottieMoon · 19/02/2024 15:20

Stickinthemuddle · 19/02/2024 14:18

@HollyKnight what I/we want is for her to get to a place where she could socialise at larger events with them. They do kids’ birthdays and parents evenings etc together (not with the girlf admittedly) which is why it’s frustrating she feels she can’t do more of the things we used to.

Stop being so selfish.

You wrote this post to get some perspective and the majority of people have said you cannot expect her to be ok and start socialising with someone who had a year long affair during their marriage. That you should not hold her responsible for this and that it is HIS fault!

What the actual F is wrong with you!

pokebowls · 19/02/2024 15:26

OP
A) it's obvious why she would be the one putting in the request for you not to invite him. He cheated on her. it would make no sense if he cheated on her then started demanding you block her. I mean that would be new levels of bastard.

B) after 30 years it's going to take a long time for her to be ok about him if ever

C) you seem to be more willing to lose her as a friend than him. Sounds like you might lose one. Who would you be sadder to lose? Like I said it's reasonable that she would be the bitter one refusing to socialise with him so you can't hold that against her

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Relationship problems
HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 15:39

pokebowls · 19/02/2024 15:20

I would see it as I don't know the ins and outs of their private/home life so I'm not going to judge the tail end of what was probably just a doomed marriage. There was possibly all kinds of inappropriate unkind behaviours. The affair was likely only the end. Who knows who did what

Show quote history

That is still a judgment. And that judgment would lead you to decide that you don't know enough facts about a relationship to hold anyone accountable for the facts that you do know. The circumstances don't excuse affairs. Someone had a choice and that was what they chose to do.

usernother · 19/02/2024 15:40

@Stickinthemuddle what I/we want is for her to get to a place where she could socialise at larger events with them. They do kids’ birthdays and parents evenings etc together (not with the girlf admittedly) which is why it’s frustrating she feels she can’t do more of the things we used to.

My jaw dropped open reading this. What YOU want? You are coming across as extremely self centred, no one cares what you find frustrating. Drop your friend and become friends with the ex and his new girlfriend only. They seem like your kind of people.

Polecat07 · 19/02/2024 15:44

Some friend you are, just be friends with the bloke then, your friend is better of without you both, clearly.

HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 15:47

I don't even know if the OP realises that she is also betraying her friend by keeping it from her that she has been maintaining a relationship with her ex. I mean, if you didn't think you were doing anything hurtful, why would you keep it a secret? The poor woman can't trust anyone. First her husband was sneaking behind her back for over a year and now her friends are sneaking around behind her back. Secrets upon secrets. Maybe this is why the OP is so desperate for her "friend" to be ok with everything.

LoobyDop · 19/02/2024 15:51

I think the amount of crap the OP is getting is unfair- none of this was her doing. You have to choose, though, OP. You always end up having to choose. I’ve lost count of the number of friends I’ve lost over the years because of relationships- because the other side is picked by one or the other, or because someone has hooked up with someone new and not stayed in touch with old friends. It’s really sad, but it ends up being too complicated or too fraught.

Nicole1111 · 19/02/2024 16:06

It sounds like everyone else cares more about themselves and their comfort and enjoyment than her at the moment. I hope she’s got some good friends outside of your circle.

Hopebridge · 19/02/2024 16:11

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone socialising with a ex husband that cheated on me. Then also socialised with his new girlfriend. It's up to you what you do but your friend deserves better.

GingerIsBest · 19/02/2024 16:16

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

You have clearly picked him. So pick him, and let her go. You say she' lied about finances etc, and you're uncomfortable with that. Great, so even more reason to say that you don't want to be friends with her.

Sad though it is, in these situations - you have to pick a side I think. And if you want to pick his side, fine. But don't expect her to be happy about it. I certainly wouldn't be.

PenelopeTHur · 19/02/2024 16:37

The ‘pink me girl energy here’ is nauseating.

beAsensible1 · 19/02/2024 16:45

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:55

@Pegasusforme of course I’d be really upset. The guy clearly really loves this woman though, it’s not like it’s a fling. He can’t help falling in love and he deserves friends too.

😂😂😂 sure he deserves friends doesn’t mean he gets first dibs though. Obviously don’t invite both of them and invite her.

see them seperately. He was cheating with his colleague while his wife was on mat leave, it’s not really much of a conundrum.

pokebowls · 19/02/2024 16:56

@HollyKnight That is still a judgment. And that judgment would lead you to decide that you don't know enough facts about a relationship to hold anyone accountable for the facts that you do know. The circumstances don't excuse affairs. Someone had a choice and that was what they chose to do.
But not knowing the ins and outs of the relationship, I wouldn't necessarily decide to abandon a friend because they had an affair as I don't know anything else.

If one partner had been abusive and the other had an affair I wouldn't choose the abusive friend over the affair friend for example. My point is I guess that unlike some people on MN, affairs are not at the head of the queue when it comes to poor behaviours. There are other things people do that I think are worse.

MidnightSerenader · 19/02/2024 18:00

They do kids’ birthdays and parents evenings etc together (not with the girlf admittedly) which is why it’s frustrating she feels she can’t do more of the things we used to.

Gosh, you really are bizarrely naive, @Stickinthemuddle

He had an affair. Everything has changed. It’s never going to go back to how it was.

This was his choice. He chose it.

TitaniasAss · 19/02/2024 18:57

OP you seem to feel quite sorry for yourself in this situation because you feel it's difficult for you. Which is, frankly, unbelievable.

Pigglyplaystruant99 · 19/02/2024 19:31

Christ with friends like you, who needs enemies?

Newchapterbeckons · 19/02/2024 19:46

Stickinthemuddle · 19/02/2024 14:18

@HollyKnight what I/we want is for her to get to a place where she could socialise at larger events with them. They do kids’ birthdays and parents evenings etc together (not with the girlf admittedly) which is why it’s frustrating she feels she can’t do more of the things we used to.

Staggeringly dim witted and selfish. It’s all about making it easy for you!

Can you imagine having your life shattered, and then being surrounded by frenemies like you. Words fail me….

PeridotSparkle · 19/02/2024 19:59

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:42

@IncognitoUsername we did try to broach it ages ago and she said while she’d understand we would want to see him (our old friend) of ‘course/obviously’ we wouldn’t want to become friends with her (they worked together, the girlf knew he was married and my friend was on Mat leave when it all started so some strong feelings there)

More recently she’s said she wouldn’t feel comfortable if we socialised with him while they’re currently in mediation and doing the finances as she might tell us sensitive stuff- we don’t talk to him about that though of course.

We haven’t been clear we’re seeing him which is probably not for the best but it just sort of happened.

Wow. If someone did that to my friend on maternity leave, I wouldn't want to hang out with them. Just do a pub quiz with someone else?!

PeridotSparkle · 19/02/2024 20:00

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:54

@Waterdropsdown Theyre both old friends, who knows what goes on inside a marriage, he hasn’t been beating her or anything. I think she isn’t being a particularly good friend by expecting us to cut him off for something that didn’t really affect us and making it impossible not to choose.

Wow. Just wow.

LimeViewer · 19/02/2024 20:24

You must be mad to think she'll ever want to socialise with him! You sound like a teenager, it's not a little tif! They will never be in the same friendship group again. And anyone who truly was her friend would not have been talking to him at all never mind planning to meet his gf. You must talk to him a lot for him to have made the ultimatum he did. Yet somehow she's in the wrong?
How would you feel if your husband did this to you and she just carried on being mates with him? And 2 years later when you still had a very small child she expected you to hang out in new couples with your husbands ow? Or more like just leave you out at hone with the baby while her, the ow and your husband all hang out. do you get it yet?

losingtheplot999 · 19/02/2024 20:25

Is this thread real because if it is the OP is unbelievable.

Fairyliz · 19/02/2024 20:30

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/02/2024 21:15

You've already made your decision. You clearly are wanting to be friends with the shitty cheater. Even if it was my very best friend I wouldnt be defending them or making excuses "it's not like he beat her or anything", no he just cheated on her at a very vulnerable time and left her with a newborn. He really found his voice to get himself a new partner didn't he. You've already broken her trust by being friends with him when she asked you not to, due to potential of passing info. All the deceit and going behind her back shows her who you are as a friend and all the babysitting on the world doesn't make you a good friend if you're going behind her back, meeting the ex, potentially befriending the person he cheated with and defending what he did. You already know which relationship you are prioritising

Hear hear.
What would you want your friends to do if your husband cheated on you whilst you were on maternity leave? Be all chummy with him and his new girlfriend?
I don’t think so somehow.

neilyoungismyhero · 19/02/2024 20:52

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

Seems like he was able to find a bit more than his voice if said wife was on Maternity Leave. Perhaps he should have stopped having children with his wife if he was that desperately unhappy in his marriage.
The loser messed up his marriage but also brought another child into the family who will never experience proper family life with both parents. He sounds like a fool.

Bestyearever2024 · 19/02/2024 21:00

Stickinthemuddle · 19/02/2024 09:52

@Gcsunnyside23 im trying to be on both sides I suppose. If I sound down on her it’s because he hasn’t said we can’t see her, it’s only her putting restrictions up.

I am surprised by the strength of feeling and will be sharing that I’m in contact with him.

He has said its either him and girlfriend or don't see him at all

You obviously want to be in contact with him rather than his ex wife

You come across as a judgy critical person

I'd stick with the cheater and his cheating partner and let the ex wife find some decent friends. She deserves better than you

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