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Original poster

Divorcing Friends

193 replies

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:29

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

OP posts:
PoisonMaple · 18/02/2024 21:33

I've just realised, OP is a typical 'pick me' girl.

Vomit.

Redcar78 · 18/02/2024 21:35

You can't be friends with both you need to choose. New girlfriend sounds lovely, I don't think I'd be able to socialise with either cheat.

Original poster
Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:35

@PoisonMaple I don’t know what that is? I’m not interested in him if that’s what you’re suggesting.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Duh · 18/02/2024 21:37

OP you are an awful friend with a very low bar (“he didn’t beat her” - are you for real, is that what it would take??!!)

Do the female friend a favour… Stick with the cheater and his complicit cheating partner and let your betrayed (by you and them) friend have decent people in her life. She deserves better.

FindANewFavouritePlace · 18/02/2024 21:40

PoisonMaple · 18/02/2024 21:33

I've just realised, OP is a typical 'pick me' girl.

Vomit.

Possibly. Or maybe someone just bored under their bridge tonight. 😉

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 18/02/2024 21:43

Do you have DC OP?

If so, do you remember the early baby days when you were on mat leave and watching the clock, waiting for your DH to come home and take over with the baby so you could have a wee in peace and to something, anything without simultaneously holding a baby?

Imagine, if instead of coming home to you and your new child, pitching in with bath and bed time and doing the washing up; your DH left ALL of that to you to spend some quality time fucking his colleague; someone who was supposed to be your friend.

Would you have spiralled then when you found out the reason for his absence?

And why wasn't her ex-H looking after his own baby while his wife dated? Why did her friends have to step in?

Does he not do 50% of the childcare? If not, I'm not surprised his ex-wife wants more than 50% of the money, she has a human being to raise and care for, while the ex-H is sharing the bills with his OW.

How do you not see that the ex-H is a complete arsehole? How exactly did he expect him sticking his dick in another woman to resolve any marital issues they may have? 🙄

anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled · 18/02/2024 21:45

Try sound totally dismissive of the shit this poor woman has gone through - doesn't matter if she was in extended maternity leave and the child wasn't a newborn when he was off shagging his colleague

You sound as morally dubious as the ex husband and should have jettisoned him the moment you found out and stuck with the poor ex wife

But then again if I was her I wouldn't want a friend like you sticking around so you can cosy up to the prick and the tart either

shreknjumps · 18/02/2024 21:45

"So many threads here about women unhappy in a sexless marriage, what if that was the same for him?"

Well he managed to make a baby

Sherrycat · 18/02/2024 22:13

“It’s not like he beat her or anything”. I’ve been a victim of DV & been cheated on. The cheating absolutely destroyed me to the point I didn’t want to live anymore. The DV was horrid, but the cheating was worse.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/02/2024 22:15

How was he unhappy for years yet became a father? Honestly OP, you have no idea how much damage this sort of situation does. She is dealing with single parenthood every day. It's not a thing that happened two years ago and is done with. It's an ongoing situation. Every time her life is trickier because she's on her own, it's there. You seem to suggest she's being unfair asking you to meet her new man when the ow is off limits..can you really not see how massively different it is?

jm9138 · 18/02/2024 22:15

shreknjumps · 18/02/2024 21:45

"So many threads here about women unhappy in a sexless marriage, what if that was the same for him?"

Well he managed to make a baby

Yes in a later post I said I missed the point that she was on Mat leave. I read the OP and it said they were friends for over 30 years and just thought it was a couple in their late 40s/50s. My bad.

StrugglingWithItAll123 · 18/02/2024 22:21

SnackQueen · 18/02/2024 21:28

I chose the friend whose heart had been broken into a thousand pieces and whose life had been turned upside down by the one person they thought they knew and could trust over anyone else in the world. It wasn't a difficult decision for me at all. It was the right decision. The fact I had known the other friend longer and had a closer friendship with them was irrelevant; they had done something completely unforgivable.

Also, the fact that this guy is flaunting the mistress around so soon after the affair came to light and demanding mutual friends include her in everything despite the awkward situation this puts everyone in shows what a selfish self-absorbed prick he really is. He can fuck right off.

👊

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 18/02/2024 22:23

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

Oh come on now. This is the classic script. He cheated on his wife when they just had a baby, I'm sorry but I couldn't continue a friendship with him knowing his morals. He's vile.

LimoncelloSpritz · 18/02/2024 22:24

Christ on a bike! You even have to think about this?

youcandoittoo · 18/02/2024 22:29

You sound like a peach
Wouldn't want you as a friend you sound more suited to being friends with her cheating scumbag ex

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 18/02/2024 22:29

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 18/02/2024 21:43

Do you have DC OP?

If so, do you remember the early baby days when you were on mat leave and watching the clock, waiting for your DH to come home and take over with the baby so you could have a wee in peace and to something, anything without simultaneously holding a baby?

Imagine, if instead of coming home to you and your new child, pitching in with bath and bed time and doing the washing up; your DH left ALL of that to you to spend some quality time fucking his colleague; someone who was supposed to be your friend.

Would you have spiralled then when you found out the reason for his absence?

And why wasn't her ex-H looking after his own baby while his wife dated? Why did her friends have to step in?

Does he not do 50% of the childcare? If not, I'm not surprised his ex-wife wants more than 50% of the money, she has a human being to raise and care for, while the ex-H is sharing the bills with his OW.

How do you not see that the ex-H is a complete arsehole? How exactly did he expect him sticking his dick in another woman to resolve any marital issues they may have? 🙄

All of this!!!!!!

Bunnyhair · 18/02/2024 22:36

My God what a depressing thread. So if a woman has a big personality her poor overshadowed husband has no choice but to fuck someone else while she’s on mat leave, leave her to be a single parent and fight her over money.

And it’s not enough that you remain friends with him, he’s insisting that you must socialise with the OW too or… or what? Or you’ll lose his precious friendship? His loyalty, for what it’s worth? He certainly has a high opinion of himself to think he’s in any position to make these sorts of demands.

I do hope his ex has better friends than you, OP

Nicole1111 · 18/02/2024 22:38

Your poor friend. A husband who justifies cheating and a friend who minimises the bad behaviour of her husband with a “well it didn’t happen to me attitude”. Respect her enough to tell her the truth and let her decide. You’re the second person who’s kept secrets from her.

LimeViewer · 18/02/2024 22:39

You are an awful, terrible friend. She will not continue this charade once you tell her your feelings. I can't believe you want to do pub quizzes with him and his new gf! The actual ap as well. Wow. Cold.
Very disloyal of you.

Noseybookworm · 18/02/2024 22:39

You have to pick a side 🤷‍♀️ do you want to stay friends with a man who cheated on and devastated his wife or the woman who spent a year in despair and is beginning to get her life together and needs good friends to rely on? You cannot stay friends with both of them OP

Midwinter91 · 18/02/2024 22:42

Why are you friends with him if he’s cheated and lied? And why would you want to be friends with his mistress? Do you have no morals?

Mumsanetta · 18/02/2024 22:45

Your poor friend. Not only has she found out that she married a shitty man but she will soon find out that her friends ain’t worth shit either.

PenelopeTHur · 18/02/2024 22:45

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:02

@FindANewFavouritePlace was he lying to you? I understand if he’d used us as like an alibi or lied to us but we were all completely none the wiser and uninvolved until she told us she’d found out and kicked him out. He met one of the guys for dinner about 6mo later and contact with us just slowly built from then. He’d been unhappy for years apparently and as the wife can be a big personality just struggled to find his voice.

My goodness, victim blaming, much? I think the wife should ditch you as a ‘friend’.

Glitterbaby17 · 18/02/2024 22:46

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:15

@Ihatespellingmisteaks Yes DH thinks this is the thing to do.

She’s been no saint post split and has lied to him about money but I’ve not disclosed that to him, am aware the circumstances of the affair paint him in an awful light

If you do that you are choosing him and allowing him to flaunt that her dear friends have forgiven his awful behaviour to his wife with a tiny baby and allowed him to attend a party with the woman he cheated on her with. He will be delighted, she will not come and probably never speak to you again if she has any sense.

Frangipanyoul8r · 18/02/2024 22:54

I don’t have much time for cheaters or for drama. The husband would have been in the bin as a friend ages ago.