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Original poster

Divorcing Friends

193 replies

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 20:29

Pretty sure everyone is BU but would appreciate some perspective!

I’ve been friends with a couple since school- nearly 30 years. Equally friends with both.

The husband 2 years ago began an affair and they’re now divorcing. He got caught out and the wife took it really really badly, was really spinning out for a whole year.

The husband is still with the woman and they’re living together. The wife has started dating pretty regularly.

Me and 2 other long standing friends have been socialising with the wife openly throughout and have been discreetly maintaining contact with our friend the husband too. It’s now got to the stage where we’d like to meet his girlf (and he’s basically said it’s both of them or nothing too). Given how the wife has been I think she will just totally go off the rails if she finds out we’re meeting them and possibly becoming friends with his new partner- despite her talking about us maybe meeting this guy she’s been seeing.

I don’t know what to do. We seem to either have to continue keeping secrets from our friend the wife or lose one of them as friends we can regularly see as we always have.

Cross with both of them were in this position and can also see both points of view. She’s honestly fine now, she’s not unwell or depressed any more but I imagine will be pissed off which feels like she’s telling us who we can and can’t see I suppose.

What to do?! We just want to do pub quizzes etc!

OP posts:
DramaDhama · 18/02/2024 22:55

Stickinthemuddle · 18/02/2024 21:19

Also child wasn’t a new born due to an extended leave- but yes, well under 2. The affair didn’t start while she was immediately post partum.

Ahh that totally changes things 🤔

Definitely pick the lying cheat so that girl can get some real friends 👍🏻

Lifesingflowers · 18/02/2024 23:05

You are a shitty friend

TeenLifeMum · 18/02/2024 23:06

Wow, you’re not a friend at all to the wife. With friends like you she doesn’t need enemies.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 18/02/2024 23:13

I personally would not like a friend to tell me who I can or cannot be friends with, regardless of what happened. I think this woman is being unfair on OP, I totally understand why she is so angry but I don't think anyone gets to control who their friends talks to. She shouldn't be trying to force OP to pick sides, it's OPs choice who she socialises with and if she wants to socialise with both that's her perogative. This isn't about the moral right or wrong of the relationship.

Livelovebehappy · 18/02/2024 23:14

I just couldn’t engage with a woman who clearly has a zero moral compass. Started an affair with him when his wife was on mat leave!? Not a chance. He is equally a twat too, and I’m doubtful I would have continued a friendship with him. But I guess it depends on what your own values are. If you’re so desperate to do ‘pub quizzes’ with them, then crack on.

1983Louise · 18/02/2024 23:14

I think you want to see them and posted on here to get the green light to go ahead. Your choice but I don't think you'll keep both friendships, hope you make the right choice.

StellaGibson2022 · 18/02/2024 23:14

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/02/2024 21:15

You've already made your decision. You clearly are wanting to be friends with the shitty cheater. Even if it was my very best friend I wouldnt be defending them or making excuses "it's not like he beat her or anything", no he just cheated on her at a very vulnerable time and left her with a newborn. He really found his voice to get himself a new partner didn't he. You've already broken her trust by being friends with him when she asked you not to, due to potential of passing info. All the deceit and going behind her back shows her who you are as a friend and all the babysitting on the world doesn't make you a good friend if you're going behind her back, meeting the ex, potentially befriending the person he cheated with and defending what he did. You already know which relationship you are prioritising

Absolutely this.

OP - I think do the wife a favour and cut contact with her. You arent acting at all in her interest.

Yes she will be hurt and the loss will be felt but at least she can be move on.

Mariposistaaa · 18/02/2024 23:15

I couldn’t be arsed with either. One shags around and the other is rebounding by ‘already dating’ despite apparently being heartbroken over her marriage split and having small children to consider. They are as bad as each other. Clearly a case of ‘too much too young’ as they have never grown up.

Dibbydoos · 18/02/2024 23:15

It's dishonest to cheat, but he wasn't happy which is why he found someone else. It's outrageous it happened whilst she was on maternity leave though, wtf.

I'd suggest cooling it with him until finances are bolted down.

lentafortuna · 18/02/2024 23:25

Life isn't as black and white as everyone on this thread makes it seem. Years ago I'd have stuck with the woman in this scenario but I'm older and wiser now, sit her down and explain. You shouldn't be expected to cut him out, of course she may not see it this way as she's still very hurt.

Time heals.

KarenSmithsWeatherBoobs · 18/02/2024 23:59

The cheat has made it clear he and the girlfriend come as a package = trying to make it work somehow.

The friend making it clear she expects you to not enter into a friendship with the girlfriend = her being difficult and putting you and your friends in an awkward position.

It seems that you've made your choice OP. From your comments, it sounds like you don't even like your friend very much anyway. Set her free to make some new real friends and go enjoy your pub quizzes with the cheats.

Goblinmodeactivated · 19/02/2024 00:33

OP haven’t RTFT but am assuming you don’t like the wife very much? She was cheated on by the husband whilst on maternity leave and you’d like to be friends with the OW…. And invite him to your 50th? You seem to have very little empathy for her despite her being your friend, you’re aware your proposed actions would be very distressing to her but you’re considering them anyway … you don’t sound like a good friend, suggest you be open with her so she can take a step back from you.

HollyKnight · 19/02/2024 01:58

Selfish people stick together.

Lostsadandconfused · 19/02/2024 02:12

I've gone through a separation last year, and it had a major effect on our long term very close friend group.

Most people did pick sides.

Some had the opinion that when it comes to events (parties etc) if you don't want to pick a side, you invite both and let them work out if they both come or don't come at all.

LifeExperience · 19/02/2024 02:20

I could not be friends with a cheater. I require my friends to have basic morals.

poshtonic · 19/02/2024 02:48

frenchcheeses · 18/02/2024 21:22

I was in a similar situation and I ended up dropping the friends who remained friends with my ex. I realised my life would be better without such disloyalty in it. And it was.

Yes - same here - and it felt like a double heartbreak and betrayal that my so-called friends could do this to me at such a vulnerable point in my life. It compounded the pain and that's how your poor friend will be feeling OP. Just try to put yourself in her shoes.

MidnightSerenader · 19/02/2024 04:19

I mean, I don’t really see what advice you can hope to get, OP.

There’s a reason you have to pick a side in situations like this.

Because if you don’t, a side gets picked for you, when one of the other parties doesn’t like how disloyal you’ve been to them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MidnightSerenader · 19/02/2024 04:21

In other words, you’ve default picked the husband.

Even if you didn’t actually - the wife will dump you when she finds out you’re meeting and befriending the OW.

asdunno · 19/02/2024 04:30

If you choose to social with him and his gf you will likely lose her as a friend .

If you choose not to social with him and gf you will likely lose him as a friend.

You can't have it both ways you need to choose.

Psychoticbreak · 19/02/2024 04:33

You have already 'picked'. You are not a friend of his ex wifes anymore. Your posts about her are awful.

Breakingpoint1961 · 19/02/2024 04:51

Have you put yourself in her situation? How would you feel?

Having a baby is not only exhausting and draining physically, but also mentally. To have your partner cheat at such a time well..it doesn't bear thinking about!

You're a disloyal friend, you're so caught up socially you've misplaced your moral compass.

"She’s been no saint post split and has lied to him about money but I’ve not disclosed that to him, am aware the circumstances of the affair paint him in an awful light"

How can you say this about a woman with a very young child who's been cheated on🤔you are a disgrace! At least you didn't disclose the money situation, a few brownie points there phew..

Personally if I were her I'd cut you all off, she can do far far better than you lot!

Then you'll all be able to enjoy your husbands 50th with no conscience whatsoever🙄

usernother · 19/02/2024 04:58

You are no friend to this woman. She'll be better off without you. Go and be friends with her ex and his girlfriend who he couldn't help falling in love with while he was married with a child.

pictoosh · 19/02/2024 05:19

Ahhh it's all so simple on a screen. Easy to be highly principled on there.

In the real world of the adults we actually know, care for and have shared history with, it's not so cut and dried. Thankfully.

One of my oldest, closest friends cheated on her husband over ten years ago.
Here's the truth - she's my friend and I don't care. Known her 25 years now.
She is a fantastic friend.

ZebraD · 19/02/2024 05:26

If I was the wife, I wouldn’t want you to be friends with exH and OW. It’s too conflicting. also, he had been unhappy for years but couldn’t find his voice doesn’t wash with me. He got his wife pregnant and fucked off in the most cruel way. No excuses. Pick a team and stick with it. You shouldn’t even need to ask.

Newchapterbeckons · 19/02/2024 06:08

Why would you give him the time of day??

If he was unhappy for years, he had plenty of opportunities to leave without cheating!

You drop his arse and support your friend, that is what I would do. You are being very dishonest at the moment.

And why is the cheat calling the shots and insisting you include his mistress?! I would be dropping him like a stone and evaluating my moral compass.

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