My child will not go the fuck to sleep

[bleurghbleurghbleurgh]

Honestly, at the end of my rope here. Single parent, zero support, dd wakes at 6 and literally does not stop from that moment onwards.

Bedtime has crept later and later, and it's now verging on 9/10pm. I can't understand why the fuck she is not tired, it does not matter if I've taken her out for the whole day/she's been at school and breakfast/afterschool club/run a fucking marathon and then wrestled a bear, she WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP.

I literally feel myself get so stressed from about 5pm onwards in anticipation of the absolute farce that bedtime has become. Threats/bribery do not work, and she's currently howling at me from her room, she can't sleep, she's not tired, she's bored, her 'brain won't switch off'.

She has a whole bedtime routine, she has nightlights/a yoto player with relaxing (ha fucking ha) meditation playing or white noise. Nothing fucking works!!!!!!!!! And then she complains she's tired in the day 🤯🤦‍♀️🙄

I am literally on the verge of going out to sit in the car on the drive so I can get away from the stress. Or carting her off to the doctors to demand they do something, I can't go on like this. Send help please.

I have had insomnia on and off since my teen years. Most useful thing I was ever told was stop trying to go to sleep. Sleep anxiety is something which kept me awake. I think in this case you have it OP and it's transmitted itself to your child. I also think she probably has ADHD. I work in a secondary school in SEND department. We have many students we refer for diagnosis. Cahms told us that primary school work and the primary school day is actually ADHD friendly which is why many students are undiagnosed .
Also I'm really old as are my friends(50s), we often say how little simulation we had as children ,both at home and school. I know people often say no screens an hour before bed ,but when I was 6 I didn't have any screens. Apart from a bit of Blue Peter.
And I think you are some kind of hero, not getting enough sleep is so so so bad.

Thanks for all the suggestions and responses.

Tried everything today, she's had about four or five hours of exercise, no sugar, explained to her that at 8, she is having quiet time, told her she can colour, read a book, play, listen to her yoto etc. Closed the door, by 8.01 she was out, explained it again, closed the door, and she's now crying her eyes out because she doesn't want to do any of my suggestions and she doesn't want to go to sleep.

Fuck my actual life. I've just messaged my neighbour to reassure her that I am not actually murdering her, despite the noise.

Can you go in and hug her to sleep? Like a reset for both of you?

Why won’t you cuddle her to sleep? Pretending to go to bed with her and then leaving. It’d give you both a break

My 5 year old is similar. I now don’t allow any afternoon screen time. So on a school day they can watch before school but not after. This has made an enormous difference.

Also the disappearing chair technique?

I would go in and hug her but I wouldn't stay and cuddle her to sleep.
I would just keep explaining that now is the time for quiet time and she can choose what to do within the options.
She probably isn't going to like the change so pushing back is pretty normal.
You could tell her that you will check in on her if she seems anxious.

This sounds really really hard OP. Since it has been going on so long, it's going to be hard to stop, but you clearly need to for your sanity.

I'd start the new regime on the weekend and be telling her from midday onwards that she WILL be in bed at 8pm. Whatever new system you pick, stick to it like glue for at least a week and stand firm in the face of screaming/crying. Apologise to your neighbour in advance. It will get easier after that I think. Good luck 💐

Because if I go in and cuddle her, she will stay awake and think it's an exciting new game and an opportunity to stay up even later!!!!!

Rest assured, I am not a total bitch, I went back in with a colouring set and told her she could do that, I was called relentlessly three or four times to a) find a lost pen lid b) help with the glitter glue (yep, I let her have that in bed, desperate fucking times) c) to admire her work.... and I know people will say just ignore her, buts she's like a flipping siren, 'muuuuuuuuummmmmmmmyyyyy, muuuummmmmmmyyyy, MMMMMUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMYYYYY'

Anyway, it's now 9.15, and she's finally gone quiet....

I am glad to hear that OP.

How would she respond to being told (or shouted at) to not make that horrible noise any more? I must admit I've been driven to that with my kids over the years and it did work, possibly because I was absolutely at the end of my patience and I think they realised.

Does your DD realise you have limits/feelings, do you think OP? IMO it's not the worst thing if kids realise that adult have limits too and that they can't keep pushing.

Nobody thinks you are a bitch OP! It’s a really challenging thing to deal with. I think there’s a good chance she’d fall asleep if you lay with her, but you don’t so that’s fine. I’m glad she’s gone quiet now. Hopefully this phase passes soon

If you want the melatonin we buy from USA send me a message

Or go see a GP for it because while this is most likely a lovely genuine offer, nobody should risk being scammed or end up with dodgy medication for their kids by taking anonymous recommendations on mumsnet

DD is just turned 4. I think she's another that doesn't seem to need as much sleep. Dropped naps early and seems to go to sleep later than a lot of her nursery friends. I've recently started heading upstairs slightly later, turning the lights off and using a natural oil sticker. Early days but it's definitely a lot less stressful than lying there for 2 hours!

Your post tells me your little one wants your attention and is pulling out all the stops to get it. She loves you and wants you, but this behaviour must also be exhausting for you.
i have a few suggestions. Try to find even ten minutes to give your child your full attention and reassurance. Use a bed time routine. Try to reduce the tension you feel ( sorry, I do know this is easier said than done) . Once you’ve done enough, just go all flat. Lights off or low, no treats drinks or noises, mummy is also going to sleep. I remember my dad saying ‘lie still’ when I complained I couldn’t sleep. Just give no fuel to the fire.
If none of that really doesn’t work then if your child is old enough you do a ‘ quiet in your room between these times on the clock’ routine. Your child may read, draw, play or possibly listen to approved audio sounds or stories if they are not asleep, but must be quiet, stay in their room, may not ask for your attention and may not disturb others until getting up time in the morning.

I was like that as a child. V good at school and vv bright. Diagnosed with adhd in my mid 50s. So cleverness and ability at school don't necessarily mean no neurodivergence.

What I remember is that at that age I'd learned god knows where from, about death and the fact I was a separate alone person - so I was vvv full of fear at night, nameless dread, and couldn't talk about it to my (pretty shitty) parents and I just could not sleep, turn my brain to silent.

I only mention this in case you might think a talk with her about her wider emotional world might help?

Don't stay with them until they fall asleep, it is a slippery slope

The OP has been doing all of that for two years, and gives her dd her undivided attention all the time. She uses a bedtime routine. She's tried the stay in your room and draw, or whatever. It doesn't work.

We can all see that this is all about the dc wanting her mum's attention. But there comes a point when she can't have what she wants all the time. The child is 6, not a baby or toddler, where it would be more understandable.

Mummy isn't also going to sleep. Why the heck should she? She's a grown-up and entitled to some time of her own, not to pander to the whims of a kid who won't do as she is told.

@Tatonka with respect, that is now an outdated view superseded by modern neurology and studies.

It’s pretty natural biologically for children to want to sleep with their parents for perceived safety. After all, adults prefer to sleep with their partners

I don't buy this. I just think all kids and parents are too different for this to be a rule for every family.

I have always laid with my daughter (now nearly 5) and she falls asleep quite quickly and it's a lovely relaxing time for me too. I usually do my pelvic floor exercises whilst waiting for her to drop off 😂. She very rarely needs me in the night. And falling asleep has never been a stressful thing or a fight.

As someone else posted, I was made to be quiet alone in my room at night and from a very young age I developed lots of anxiety about sleeping, being alone and dying in my sleep amongst other things. And I never felt I could speak to anyone about it. I think sleeping alone in a room is a new thing historically speaking. My mum's generation (7 kids in a 2 bedroom house) certainly weren't sleeping alone!

@TeaKitten in my area GPs won't prescribe melatonin without specialist advice, and you you need a diagnosis of neurodiversity. Not encouraging the purchase of random internet medicines, but in a lot of countries melatonin is considered a vitamin type product.

I don't prefer to sleep with my partner, in fact lots don't. Also, most children can easily sleep on their own. Although if they feel unsafe or anxious then that's probably the issue that needs to be addressed. Each to their own of course. It's affecting OP so clearly something needs to be done

Earlier wake ups for her, swimming lessons, long baths before bed, weighted blanket, milk, banana, audible books in her bedroom last thing, darken the whole house, all lights out and curtains drawn throughout house except for a nightlight an hour before bedtime, then go to bed yourself when you put her to bed, ear plugs for you so you can’t hear her, pretend not to hear her, fake sleep if needs must, lots of praise for behaving, go overboard with positive comments when she does what you ask.

TeaKitten I appreciate the warning to the OP, but you cannot get Melatonin prescribed for a child in the UK without a Psychiatrist. And the waiting time is over a year on the NHS.
The supplement we buy has been tested and is not dodgy.

what about a super bright morning light (10k lux) that shines in her face for 10 minutes each morning. It might help her circadian rhythm which may reset her to sleep better at night. I believe you can get similar ones that do a sunset simulation which can also help.

also maybe her diet is influencing her sleep patterns. might be worth reviewing what she eats, and when. Just in case.