My child will not go the fuck to sleep

[bleurghbleurghbleurgh]

Honestly, at the end of my rope here. Single parent, zero support, dd wakes at 6 and literally does not stop from that moment onwards.

Bedtime has crept later and later, and it's now verging on 9/10pm. I can't understand why the fuck she is not tired, it does not matter if I've taken her out for the whole day/she's been at school and breakfast/afterschool club/run a fucking marathon and then wrestled a bear, she WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP.

I literally feel myself get so stressed from about 5pm onwards in anticipation of the absolute farce that bedtime has become. Threats/bribery do not work, and she's currently howling at me from her room, she can't sleep, she's not tired, she's bored, her 'brain won't switch off'.

She has a whole bedtime routine, she has nightlights/a yoto player with relaxing (ha fucking ha) meditation playing or white noise. Nothing fucking works!!!!!!!!! And then she complains she's tired in the day 🤯🤦‍♀️🙄

I am literally on the verge of going out to sit in the car on the drive so I can get away from the stress. Or carting her off to the doctors to demand they do something, I can't go on like this. Send help please.

You have my total sympathy - it's awful (both the shouty/crying bit, and also the pure guilt once they're finally asleep, and looking like a teeny tiny cherub who you could never be so fed up with). Here's hoping you both get a decent amount of sleep tonight at least 🤞🏻

ADHD here diagnosed at 16.

What did help was a large wonderful cat who weighed a lot on top of her that she talked to and snuggled with. Utter devastation when said cat died though

I'm ancient, still a crap sleeper, awaiting my ADHD assessment...

Sending so much sympathy, daughter is the same age (super bright too, sociable, capable etc) but does not like going to sleep. She fights it to the bitter end. ‘Just one more story / Yoto / I’m hungry / let me see your phone’ etc etc. she’s very persistent! The Yoto has saved us. We do her bath / reading / teeth up to 8.30pm and then she has Yoto podcast stories with the lights very dim. I can leave the room and she’s happy and it’s all calm. I’ll go and check on her and try to get some jobs done.

I’ve given up trying to get her to sleep any earlier, she’s a night owl and it just doesn’t work. I marvel in awe at any friends that tell me their 5/6 year old is asleep by 7.30. She hasn’t been asleep at that time for YEARS. We’ve accepted it now and I’ve stopped fighting it, or trying a super early bedtime etc it just doesn’t work and I get stressed.

I wonder if there’s any way of you squeezing a shower / other jobs into your routine before bedtime, so you are in pjs too and can then relax as soon as she goes to sleep? Maybe dinner can be really quick, then she watches your laptop / listens to a Yoto whilst you are in the shower / getting ready etc. I know it’s not relaxing but at least it’s all done then and you can collapse in front of the TV.

Ds was like this.

He has adhd and autism. He could be on the go from 6am - 9pm and it would still take him 2 hours to fall asleep.

It's an adult one but nothing dodgy in it - nothing much happens podcast
It's a story read twice and really helps me with sleep
Might be worth a go?

You could play them through a Bluetooth speaker linked to your phone

I do wonder if she might have some traits of adhd... but she's so good at school? And yes, well aware of masking etc, but also the issue that it's only been the last few years...

With regards to her diet, she has always reacted badly to sugar/chocolate etc, she even goes bonkers on the sugar free calpol (so presumably sweeteners as well!), so she never has anything that will spark a 'reaction', has fruit for dessert after dinner etc. Never anything remotely resembling chocolate!

Ugh, I feel so bad now as I've had time to process and calm down. But I just can't do this every night. I just can't.

My 7 year old would do similar if I entertained it, which I just don't have the capacity to do. So he has wheres wally books, reading books and fidget toys on his bedside table. He can do any of these things at bedtime but it has to be quiet, once I have left him to it he is normally asleep within 20 minutes.

Learning to fall asleep is a skill but we have to allow them to learn how to relax themselves first and unwind. Sounds like she is always on the go so I'm guessing when she gets into bed she hasnt transitioned out of that state.

I think she wants more time with you OP. I'd cut down on activities and spend more one on one time with her. Maybe she is dragging out story time and staying up because she wants more of your attention. You need to stop punishing her though, that is completely counterproductive, she needs to be calm and feel safe if you want her to sleep. Mine has always woken at 6 and still does as a teen so that might not ever change!

Oh this sounds super tough 😔 I would not be able to function.
Honestly it sounds like she is possibly getting over tired and misses the point for sleep.
My DS has ADHD, whilst he wakes up early & does not stop for the whole day, he does at least sleep.
We have a VERY strict routine and it's kept very simple, music and lights would stimulate him more I think. He has a bath around 6.30pm, read a story book, bed at 7/7.30. He sleeps with a sensory sheet which has been a godsend and will stay in bed until the morning.
However if this routine is broken then it is torture - if he stays out at my mums he's still running riot at 10pm and too overstimulated and overtired. Very rare, I sacrifice a lot to keep our routine.
Whilst it's all good saying the drs to help, unfortunately there's a huge long waiting list before they even consider medicating so wouldn't count on that ☹️

Also. Thank you for all your suggestions and comments, I am reading them all in between putting the shopping away!

I have never slept through the night... my parents just ended up chucking a mattress on the floor where I would sleep as I felt 'safe', by about 12-13 I just stopped sleeping in there. Talking to my dad he was the same... and his parents did the same ( in the 1940's !). My boys don't sleep.... Guess where they often sleep 🤣... the more stressed everyone got the worse the situation got.... same pattern over at least 3 generations ! As adults none of us still sleep on our parents floors !! None of us co slept as such (although one of mine often does, the other doesn't want to .. just likes his little bed on the floor )

@itsmyp4rty I do think that's partially true as well. Except... we are always together, when I am not at work and she's not at school. And as I say, my whole life revolves around her. Which is very sad, but unfortunately true. I've not had a single night/day off from any of it since she was born.

Like today, we had to go shopping and sort some banking stuff out, but she got a new outfit out of it, and a new toy that she bought with her birthday money, then we played with the toy and then some games etc, and she's doing her other activity tomorrow morning and I've said I will come and do it with her afterwards, as she begged me to. I don't really want to do it, but I know she wants me to. Maybe I've overcompensated for the lack of everything else and lack of time during term time by trying to fit too much in.

And the activities she does, she loves, and selfishly, I let her do them as I am literally looking for ways to knacker her out!

My to ADHDers are like this and always have been. My youngest (9) could easily stay awake all night and most of the day too if left to her own devices. My older ones have settled as they got older, probably 12+ and now have a more normal routine. Things that helped: Melatonin - helped one, but not the other, removal of devices, calmness after a certain time. Even with all the usual suggestions it was still shit until they reached teenage years

This makes me wonder if a weighted blanket might help.

How about making your evenings more relaxing with her? Watch a movie with her cuddled on the sofa with a cuppa, or read some books until it’s late enough for her to actually sleep. I also think at 6 you should be able to have a nice relaxing shower earlier in the evening while she plays on her own. At least I shower and have my 5yo and 3yo watch tv in the meantime.

I totally get how exhausting that is. Battling with bedtime after an already tiring day is so hard.

DD is the same. Is 13 now and still doesn't sleep. She says she can't turn her brain off. She has adhd. The thing that I found worked best was to have an audible account and she had stories to listen to, we'd first do a guided kids meditation, the Katherine Kerr ones on you tube were great, then I'd put audible on and I would say I had to go out the room to do something but then would always come back. Something like washing up. Or having a shower. But I'd never be gone for more than 5-10 minutes, as her anxiety of me being gone would wake her up more and make it take longer. The stories kept the racing thoughts out of her brain and helped her stay still long enough to fall sleep.

It was relentless and I remember getting so angry at times. But she could sense it, and the tension just made everything worse. Just giving into it and accepting this was my life for the time being actually made it better, because once I relaxed with it she did too and it actually meant she drifted off quicker.

I know you say she's great in school and so you hadn't thought about adhd, but DD was the angel child in school and as she was bright could easily keep up even when she was missing half the lesson. It didn't even cross our mind that she had adhd until about year 5. And both I and DS have adhd. It's easy to miss in girls if they are perfectionists and anxious.

The cat used to pin her to the bed and she couldn't move 😂 she used to talk at him and cuddles and strokes. No idea what time she went to sleep but she was in bed quiet.

Has anyone mentioned a weighted blanket

I was the same as a child.

no amount of bed routine, exercise during the day, bath times helped me fall asleep. Punishments didn’t work either. I just couldn’t sleep before 10 or 11, and I was up again at six.

in the end my parents bought me a portable radio and a load of books and as long as I stayed in my room and was quiet they were quite happy to leave me be. I just never seemed to need that much sleep.

i was diagnosed with adhd in my 30s though.

my youngest is a night owl and would rarely go to sleep before nine, she’s 13 now and still the same, except it’s now 12 or 1 am.

I have a seven year old like this, my solution is audio books and sleep support gummies for kids ( I bought mine off Amazon). That combination improves things for us.

Personally I'd get her a double bed if you can and then just lie next to her until she goes to sleep. If you fall asleep too, hopefully you'll then get some time to yourself later in the evening or in the morning. Having a double bed for my DC and not having to sit next to them on the floor has made bedtime so much less stressful.

How much exercise does she get? My 6yo is also one of the ones who needs less sleep, but I sign them up for every after-school sports club going so they're exhausted by bedtime.

Not sure why my response has been hidden; I merely suggested sleep support gummies and audible....?

Good shout, didn't work for mine but works for a friend of mines son.

just wanted to send solidarity OP, you are not alone. I know exactly what you mean about getting stressed in the run up to bedtime, because you KNOW it's going to be a shit show. My almost 8 year old (suspected Autism / ADHD) is the same and we have spent a fucking fortune over the years on different things, techniques, you name it. She just moved bedrooms and has a double bed and that seems to have improved things; I've also introduced "chill out time" where she goes to her room in her pyjamas, with her teeth brushed, and she can have an hour where she can play quietly, read, colour etc. No screens. Then it's lights out at 8:30 and she listens to an audio book. She still gets up and comes downstairs to tell me she hears a noise, she has a headache; she is going to the loo, she is getting a drink, or my favourite "my bum hurts" but we've had more good nights than bad since the switch!

So no advice really but just wanted to say you're not alone as I have felt this and thought "why am i such a shit mother that i can't get my child to sleep" and I have noticed that once you talk about it, you find out plenty of kids this age still aren't sleeping through, or sleeping alone, it's just no one mentions it.

weighted blanket? makes you feel secure and "held"
I am sure they have them in weights for kids