My child will not go the fuck to sleep

[bleurghbleurghbleurgh]

Honestly, at the end of my rope here. Single parent, zero support, dd wakes at 6 and literally does not stop from that moment onwards.

Bedtime has crept later and later, and it's now verging on 9/10pm. I can't understand why the fuck she is not tired, it does not matter if I've taken her out for the whole day/she's been at school and breakfast/afterschool club/run a fucking marathon and then wrestled a bear, she WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP.

I literally feel myself get so stressed from about 5pm onwards in anticipation of the absolute farce that bedtime has become. Threats/bribery do not work, and she's currently howling at me from her room, she can't sleep, she's not tired, she's bored, her 'brain won't switch off'.

She has a whole bedtime routine, she has nightlights/a yoto player with relaxing (ha fucking ha) meditation playing or white noise. Nothing fucking works!!!!!!!!! And then she complains she's tired in the day 🤯🤦‍♀️🙄

I am literally on the verge of going out to sit in the car on the drive so I can get away from the stress. Or carting her off to the doctors to demand they do something, I can't go on like this. Send help please.

Having seen your update re you need to do jobs in the evening, I would definitely let her eg. Listen to audiobook or YouTube stories for an hour 8-9pm while you do chores. You can solve one part without solving the sleep bit.

I feel for you my niece is like this she is also six she is like the duracell bunny she just keeps going and going and going my sister is also a single parent so it can be very hard sometimes she is awake by 5 writing stories!! her brain never seems to switch off she also often wakes in the.night and sometimes sleep walks has bad dreams and night terrors!
My own daughter was nothing like this thank goodness my sister is exhausted

My DD was as you described OP. I did as this poster suggested. Rebranded bedtime as quiet time, she had to stay in her room, she could read or play or listen to her Tony but she had to be in the room. Then she'd have to get into bed and I'd pop on every 10 mins in between folding laundry etc. She was a.bit resistant at first but we seem to have cracked it now. I have her younger sister to contend with at bedtime now but it's given me hope for future bedtimes.

Do you think a 'quiet time' would work?

Sorry if you've said but why can't you have a shower and do things round the house when your 6 year old is still up? It's not like having a toddler you have to watch constantly?

This might be entirely impractical, but seeing as you're clearly exhausted by 8.30 as well, could you just go to bed at the same time as she does? So the whole house is quiet, dark and boring, and there's nothing for her to "stay up" for.

You could then potentially get up an hour before her in the morning. Even if she woke up with you, she could probably just watch an hour of TV whilst you had your shower and got yourself sorted etc. Just a thought (I'm very much a morning person - I can't cope with anything at all past about 8.30pm without getting very tearful!)

Raising a child is exhausting. Raising a child who won't sleep is crippling. Unfortunately, some children need a lot more help to develop healthy sleep habits than others....Perhaps she's getting over-tired, ends up wired and unable to wind down? I would suggest:

1. Take control and aim to get her in to bed at a more reasonable time such as 7.30 pm. Tell her she's going to bed too late and you're putting some new rules in place.
2. Start a bedtime routine that is the same every night ie. Bath, story, bed. Basic but very important.
3. Absolutely no screens or TV for at least an 1 hour before the bed time routine, too stimulating.
4. Plenty of outside exercise every day.
5. Find out what going on at school - is she interested & stimulated enough in classes? Any problems there?
6. What's her diet like? Have you noticed she becomes hyper after eating certain things, ie high in sugar etc?
7. Get rid of lights, white noise etc. For a child of her age they are a too stimulating. Her room should be quiet.
8. If she refuses to go to sleep don't engage with her, ensure she stays in her room, ignore any shouting. A difficult one, but if you give her attention for this behaviour, it will persist.
9. Is anything else going on or worrying her? Has she always found it difficult to sleep?

10. Ensure her bed and bedroom is comfortable, not too hot or cold etc. If none of this works, you could contact the school nurse team in your area for further help. It takes time to develop new habits. Good luck!

Ohhh DD was like this at that age. I remember sobbing in the kitchen one night because she just…wouldn’t…sleep! GP wasn’t much help. Said they can’t offer much help, melatonin only via paeds but paeds refuse to see her, despite me having ASD and ADHD diagnosis 🙄
We went for a very strict routine. Sleep story from Headspace with one parent in her room. No screens after 6pm. Bath to help her relax. But the key was melatonin. Now she has the Piping rock gummies someone else mentioned. She’s 10 now and she doesn’t have them all the time but she chooses to have them if she thinks she needs them. She was like a different child once that was sorted. She slept better, she was happier in herself. She copes better with demands now like brushing her teeth and showering. Getting sleep right was key. She’s a much happier child now.
I hope you find the solution for you.

Why has my post been hidden?!

I sorry I have no practical advice but your post reminded me of this

I hope it provides a bit of light relief. 😂

*listen to it without the kids around

I tried the quiet time thing when we did the reward chart and had a whole big talk about why it's important that she gets enough sleep, and why it's important that mummy needs to get on with stuff in the evening, etc. she's fairly mature for her age and seemed to understand what I was saying, and it did work for a while...

But really from December onwards it's gone back to worse than it was before... she's also starting 'playing up' more, as in I'll ask her which she wants me to read (she likes me to read to her, always have), and she'll spend ten minutes saying she doesn't know and then I'll give her and ultimatum, and then I will pick, and she will cry because she doesn't want that book, repeat for lullaby, repeat for Yoto story, etc etc etc.

And by that point, I've fucking had enough!

I've just gone in to give her a cuddle, but she is finally asleep, which is early for her. Now I feel like a total bitch for shouting etc. But I can literally feel the anxiety and panic rising and I do try to hide it, but by 8pm, my patience is limited.

I also understand that it's probably as stressful for her, I just don't know if it's worth getting it looked at professionally... it can't be healthy for her to only have six/seven hours of sleep? At six? All her little mates are in bed at 7 and fast asleep by 7.30 🙄

My son is a nightowl.

We had a rule, he went to bed at 7.30pm he didn't have to sleep but he did have to be quiet. We had occasional nights where he messed around but overall removing the pressure to go to sleep from him and from me worked wonders!

Even now, he is almost 13yo and gets sent upstairs at 9pm. He won't sleep till close to midnight (usually long after I am snoring) but he doesn't wake anyone else.

Sometimes you just need to reframe it.

All her little mates are in bed at 7 and fast asleep by 7.30

Firstly, that's cobblers.

Secondly, really really some children need less sleep. DD does. Her friend looks like shit on a stick after a sleepover. DD is fresh as a daisy.

DS1 is the non-sleeping variety of child.
After about 7pm, it was adult time. Jobs get done - and he was free to assist. TV became adult TV. OK, so not actually what I wanted to watch, but e.g. blue planet or something similar that was adult-acceptable.

We also set times that were OK to be awake and doing stuff, but I didn't want to know about it. So, before 5.30am, he had to rest in bed. Between 5.30 and 6.30 he could have the lights on and do stuff, but I didn't want to be disturbed. After 6.30, anything was game (the park opened at 7am - we knew the grounds men very well).

He's now a teen. I regularly go to bed before him... I have absolutely no concerns about us both needing to leave the house at 7.15 tomorrow morning.

I'd definitely start doing evening chores while she is up.

Feel your pain OP. My 6 year old Is a nightmare and I dread the evening. My 8 year old loves her sleep and has no issue nodding off but her little sister just won't switch off. Only way for her to get to sleep is for me to sit in her room with her till she finally drops off sometimes holding her hand or stroking her hair. Unfortunatly some nights I do lose my rag which doesn't help but I also work full time and I'm having no evening cos by the time she goes to sleep at 9.30/10ish I wanna go to bed. Its affecting me mentally now, I have no free time in the evening. Doesn't help they share a room. They are at my parents for half term so I hope the cycle gets broken!

@MeinKraft no, that's a very valid question, bathroom is right next to her room and if she can hear me have a shower or whatever, she def won't go to sleep! Just keeps calling and calling for me... and there is only so much you can ignore before you lose your shit, and then she gets upset and the whole fucking thing starts again!

she is 6. You cant force her to sleep. You can make it clear she stays in bed and is quiet.

@Baircasolly my alarm is already set for five so I can try and get at least a coffee in and housework etc before she wakes up, but as she has taken to coming in at 3am, she's awake as soon as I am!

Ironically I had zero issues until she was about four. It was very much a 'goodnight darling, see you in the morning' at 7.30 and that was it til 6 the next morning. Oh how smug I was... 🤯

It’s really hard work and stressful. She’s six so can understand you need to sleep. She could do you a bedtime routine that ends with her reading you a story and then getting into bed in your room or going into her own bed by herself. See if listening to audio books might help her stay put in bed and then go to sleep. A jigsaw puzzle as well could get her to focus in. It’s really difficult though. The main thing is that you see if you can sleep whilst she’s awake but safe. Could you put her breakfast in her room for the early mornings. I hope you’ll get some rest. To edit in - one of those planetarium lights that project stars and lights onto the ceiling, Lots of non fiction books with lift the flap and actions the pages to keep her busy. Have a clock that shows 8am at the weekend as ok to come and get you. Before that she stays busy in her room. A chart to fill in for activities done and a big tick for following the clock.

@notknowledgeable no, I totally agree. I am not trying to force her to sleep (well maybe I am a bit, as I am concerned that she's not getting enough!), but I just want her to stay in her room, relax and be quiet! And not have to go through this yo-yo ing in and out and her crying and me losing my shit because I am fucking exhausted and just can't cope with it anymore!!!!

I found my stress was catching for mine. It was my real trigger point, evenings, as only time for myself and I was losing it!

I snuggle up with mine now after lights out. Sometimes I fall asleep first but am so knackered I need it. I then get up and have my evening. Have found this way, we’re both less stressed and it actually saves time and gives me a mini rest. Sometimes I think they’re after that connection with us. Good luck OP

And part of me just feels so resentful, I spend my whole life making sure she has a good life, plenty of activities, lots of experiences, to try and make up for the fact that her father is a total waste of space, and I made a terrible choice (he's not allowed to see her because of the abuse towards me and the risk to her from him as a result), but I really do try my best.

She's doing really well at school, she's top of the class, behaves like an angel, is super sporty and literally seems to be naturally amazing at anything she turns her hand to, (really not bragging here, it's just how she is!) and for the most part I am very lucky that she's so easy going, has to be dragged around with me as there is no-one else to help etc and she never complains, it's just the bedtime issue. And I know I am lucky int that respect, but when it's 9.30-10pm and she's crying and I am crying, and you can't see the wood for fucking trees, I just want to run away,

when it's 9.30-10pm and she's crying and I am crying, and you can't see the wood for fucking trees, I just want to run away

I'm so sorry, that's really hard.

Have you tried looking at her diet? I can't stress enough what a massive impact diet can have on ability to sleep! Try a real 'health kick' for the next 2 months and see if there's any difference.

Everything additive free - nothing artificial, nothing in ingredients you can't pronounce or explain what it is, no sweeteners, everything as far as possible prepared from scratch

Nothing but water to drink

Really limit salt and sugar for the last meal of the day - even be mindful of crisps, pesto, anything in brine, peanut butter, cheese etc. Absolutely no ready meals or tinned food for dinner.

If you have to have chocolate at all, not after dinner. Not even chocolate flavoured cakes or biscuits. In fact try and avoid cakes or biscuits at all for dessert in the evening, and no icecream. Natural yoghurt and fruit, mixed with oats if you want 'stodge', instead.

Just give it a try. It could make a massive difference.