My child will not go the fuck to sleep

[bleurghbleurghbleurgh]

Honestly, at the end of my rope here. Single parent, zero support, dd wakes at 6 and literally does not stop from that moment onwards.

Bedtime has crept later and later, and it's now verging on 9/10pm. I can't understand why the fuck she is not tired, it does not matter if I've taken her out for the whole day/she's been at school and breakfast/afterschool club/run a fucking marathon and then wrestled a bear, she WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP.

I literally feel myself get so stressed from about 5pm onwards in anticipation of the absolute farce that bedtime has become. Threats/bribery do not work, and she's currently howling at me from her room, she can't sleep, she's not tired, she's bored, her 'brain won't switch off'.

She has a whole bedtime routine, she has nightlights/a yoto player with relaxing (ha fucking ha) meditation playing or white noise. Nothing fucking works!!!!!!!!! And then she complains she's tired in the day 🤯🤦‍♀️🙄

I am literally on the verge of going out to sit in the car on the drive so I can get away from the stress. Or carting her off to the doctors to demand they do something, I can't go on like this. Send help please.

She's probably overtired.

Start bedtime earlier. Dinner earlier, bedtime routine earlier. Light of off earlier.

Make the bedtime routine short and boring. No faffing about with elaborate routines. Change, teeth, one story, in room.

My dcs are early risers (if they're asleep beyond 7 then they're ill) so they need to go to sleep earlier.

Are you me? 😂i literally could have written this. I'm having the same issue with my 6yo. No tips I'm afraid but just wanted to say I 100% get it. I get the needing your own time, doing the calm reading, listening to lullabies etc until after being calm for so long you blow your lid needing some time! I worry about the big black tired eyes that shes getting..and no matter what I try or say it seems to make no difference. Watching closely for tips.

Could she have adhd or insomnia

A different approach here but what happened at 4? A big life change? A stressor of any sort? Wondering if something affected her psychologically and disrupted sleep was a symptom.. Issue never got resolved and it's showing up in sleep issues still?

@bleurghbleurghbleurgh You have my sympathies, my dd was like this for a couple of months. That short period was bad enough, so to have it night after night for so long must be soul-destroying. Especially since it's just you.

Can I ask - what time do you start the (long) bedtime wind-down routine? Because I can't help wondering what would happen if one evening, you just cut out a load of it and moved bedtime an hour later. Mine from about three upwards was going to bed at 8-30ish, bath, story and all that, and asleep by around 9.15 and waking at 7. She just didn't need as much sleep as other kids. Never did. I used to practically tear my hair out at other parents telling me their kids went up at 6.30 and were fast asleep by 7. Okay they were awake before 6 in the morning, but the mums would say "Oh I'd rather they woke up early - I couldn't do without my evenings!" What evenings? I'd think.

Do you think that perhaps all this aggravation started because it suddenly dawned on your dd that Mummy didn't go to bed when she did? So now she wants to stay up to be with you instead of going to bed.

Perhaps you need to turn evenings from playtime into boring time with the telly and gadgets off, and mum doing the laundry, putting shopping away, whatever needs to be done, and therefore unavailable for play. At the moment, she has your undivided attention all the time, and it's about time she needs to learn to occupy herself. If she wants to be with you, she can help with chores. Maybe if her evenings are no longer fun with mum but as dull as ditchwater, she might not make such a fight of going to bed.

This is where my mind went.
This is also the solution we used.

Random thing just in case it’s relevant to your child: when my daughter (nearly 5) is being difficult I have realised I just need to let her have time to really relax, i.e. a whole weekend in pajamas just watching tv and playing and basically doing what she wants. I find this sort of resets her and after she is much more relaxed and compliant.

She is also not an early sleeper but I’ve made my peace that she is an 8.30-9 kind of gal rather than a 7 gal. I found giving her more autonomy works too. I give her the list of things she has to do (e.g. read her school book, get her PJs on, brush her teeth) and ask her what order she wants to do them in and then just kind of coach her through them with lots of praise. I don’t start too early as it then takes up my whole evening.

No judgement here btw as have been in your shoes & it’s so exhausting, but maybe now she’s sensing your anxiety / irritability as bedtime approaches and reacting to that, making it harder for her to get to sleep. (You’re getting more annoyed / she reacts & it becomes a cycle…)
The other thing is whether you get to spend enough time with her properly in the day / evening /weekends as if not she’ll be getting attention from you this way - albeit she won’t sleep & you’re getting exhausted / stressed, but it’s still ‘attention.’
It’s really hard I know with work & everything that needs doing but it helps to properly spend time w her. (It helped for us).
Someone posted s/t very helpful about all lights off / you go to bed at same time etc - otherwise she feels that she is ‘missing out’ on time w you / tv / activity etc? (Even if you set your alarm & get up once she’s asleep?)

Do not let her into your bed (unless unwell or very upset for a specific reason). You are working your arse off as a single mum, working and caring for her, meeting her needs, and you need time apart. Night time is for resting and reenergizing for the next day.

Someone posted s/t very helpful about all lights off / you go to bed at same time etc - otherwise she feels that she is ‘missing out’ on time w you / tv / activity etc? (Even if you set your alarm & get up once she’s asleep?) this sounds ridiculous to me, who is the adult here? I don't think you should pander to your child like this at all. Not at 6 anyway.

My DS finds it very hard to go to sleep. A weighted blanket, bigger bed and playing relaxing music all have helped. You have my sympathies, it’s bloody hard when they just won’t sleep.

my DD is exactly the same, I was just talking about how she literally never slept as a baby no naps past about 18 months etc and still finds falling asleep difficult age 9. Turns out she has adhd. We don’t use melatonin as we are managing ok if we switch off her ipad and watch the sugar intake etc but some kids just need that bit of extra help to fall asleep. Have a chat with school and your gp about it as it’s sounds like it’s taking its toll on you and you need support now.

I had similar with my daughter and was told it was all down to routine, bull crap. Fast forward to now at the age of 28 she’s been advised by her psychiatrist that she needs an ADHD test as he’s certain that this is part of her problems.

She has struggled and suffered for years and has always been let down and left to struggle. She’s also dyslexic, which wasn’t diagnosed until she was 16, schools are bloody useless at times. I brought it up in Juniors and was told it wasn’t, I now know that they didn’t facilitate the correct testing procedure. Unfortunately you live and learn and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

if I can save just one person not to suffer like we have as a family then by me writing this has been worth while.

@Snippit I was incredibly lucky that DD presented with very classic boy-type ADHD so was diagnosed early. And it was a shit show BTW, which helped with diagnosis.

Girls are really suffering and it's dreadful. Shockingly poor outcomes and support.

I haven't read all the replies, I know, I know... I'm going to be blunt here, forget about all the crap about lavender (as if a whiff of lavender will send them off to dream land!), night lights, healthy diet. It doesn't cut it. My son (now 15) NEVER slept. I had to lie with him until he did, then roll him into his cot, then when he woke for feds had to do the same. I had a blow up mattress next to his cot which I'd lie on with my arm through the bars so he'd sleep. Years and years of broken sleep. NOTHING worked. I went to the doctors numerous times. No help whatsoever. Like you at about 5pm I'd start feeling tense, worked up and preparing myself for the forthcoming battle. My husband was no help at all (he worked I was a sahm) in fact he made it worse by moaning about the crying, moaning I was never in our bed. Just added to the stress really. I always felt that it was my fault. I tryed it all. No toys or anything stimulating in the bedroom. Ignoring the child until he cried himself to sleep (about 3 hours) . That was pointless as any small noise and he'd wake and it'll all start again. Sitting next to him and gradual moving the chair towards the door each hour/night etc. Going in to see him after 5 mins, 10 mins etc. Nothing worked. I've honestly tried it all. No one really understands unless they've been through it. Clean sheets, lavender, night lights, blah blah blah. All pointless. You NEED melatonin gummies. You can order them online. Forget doctors etc. You don't need them to purchase them. I use 5mg gummies from Natrol. Don't bother with 2mg etc. Get the 5mg, start by chopping one in half for tolerance levels. We use them in school nights. My son as since been diagnosed with ASD, not ADHD but I strongly suspect it as his father has it. Nothing will works ime accept these wonderful things. Sometimes I still lie next to my son at bedtime but within 30 minutes he's a sleep. Until I found these wonderful gummies my life was pretty much hell.

I'm not sure why my message has been hidden. How strange.

Weighted blanket made a big difference in our house.

We do screens at bedtime. He's autistic (and ill eat my proverbial hat if he doesn't end up with an adhd diagnosis) and a nightmare for sleep. He's literally just appeared at my bedroom door 🙄 A double bed in his room made a massive difference. He goes up between 7-7.30pm and I lie with him whilst he watches something on his tablet. He's usually asleep quite quickly (always less than an hour these days). If he's still struggling to settle, I deploy his kryptonite - Daydreams on Cbeebies. It's an hour long, v relaxing program and is like witchcraft. He's usually asleep before the opening music has finished.

I was going to say the same. The problem is not lack of sleep it's lack of you getting a break.

Set a time for quiet time, let her play, she just is not allowed to leave her room or disturb you (obviously she can use the bathroom).

My oldest was like this. It was getting pregnant with DD2 where I had to change things or I'd have fallen apart. I decided we'd just go to sleep together and that my housework had to be done while she was awake - having her do chores with me, putting her with a puzzle or crayons or video if I needed headspace to write emails or pay bills. Then we lay in the dark together and she'd tell me about her day until we fell asleep.

It didn't last forever-just about a year.

My eldest had audiobooks in repeat in my mother tongue. Her vocabulary was amazing. It was the only way I could keep her in bed.

The key is consistency in whatever you choose to do. Personally I'd bite the bullet and pay for a sleep consultant, given its so important. I don't know why people try to wing this one

I come from a family where no one sleeps well. The most helpful thing I was ever told was it doesn't matter if you can't sleep. You are still resting. It takes the pressure off.

I really like this (for myself), thank you for sharing!