Preparing for old age?

[herewegoagainy]

I read many people frustrated that their elderly parents have done nothing to prepare for old age. So realistically what can people do ahead of time? I say being realistic as no one is going to clear the garage or attic that is full of sports equipment they are still using, or put in a stairlift when they are still going hill walking.

Write a will, sort POA, look into care homes, downsizing to a smaller and more suitable property, pre paying my funeral, clearing out stuff on a regular basis so my children don't have to sort through all sorts of crap.

Agree with this.
It is about moving, and moving as part your your daily life.

@emmaempenadas I do not see the point in looking into care homes. It may be 20 or 30 years until I need one. The highly rated one could by that time be an awful one.

I watched the blue zones series about longevity and to be honest it was the incidental exercise (and socialising) which appeared to contribute the most. So one village in Sardinia I think where they all lived up a hill - the walking up and down a hill each day contributed hugely to their health and longevity.

One town in the US lots of elderly people played pickle ball! There was another place in Asia where they worked in the fields until a ripe old age. Another town where they had no furniture so the mere act of getting up and down from the floor each day helped hugely with mobility and health. What I will say is none of these places were hugely wealthy. It wasn’t about going to expensive gyms. It was the day to day free exercise that had the most impact.

Obviously diet was hugely important and the lack of ultra processed food played a big part too…-again not about ££ - they just made their own bread and grew their own veggies and cooked from scratch.

I understand not everyone wants to lift weights - and feel that approach is alienating. So it should be encouraging that just walking more and getting out and about can have a big impact.

We’re downsizing to a flat, gifting chunks of money to the kids now and doing all we can to be as healthy as possible.

We are making sure we keep doing new things - theatre, bands, festivals, comedy. holidays (yes, we're lucky, we can afford those things). We make sure we socialise plenty too. I think retreating to an evening in front of the telly every night is a recipe for decline!

My nonagenarian parents would say the following:

• Get your financial affairs in order.
• Wills
• POAs
• Leave details of your accounts, investments, contact numbers in an easily identifiable file on your computer or a hard copy to your executor.
• Have a big clear out
• Stay active, get active if you aren't already
• Crosswords & sudoku
• Socialise
• Stay interested in the world around you, don't stagnate, try and retain your curiosity in people, hobbies, places.
• Get a stairlift fitted slightly before you feel you need it, even if it horrifies your children.

Probably depends on the age of posters - some are only in their 40s whereas others are in their 70s. Having done the care home search for my parents a few years back I am very mindful that they aren't all the same - but as you say hopefully another 20-30 years away.

In terms of wills, POAs and funerals, what do people do when they are single, an only child and have no children themselves?

This is a great thread marking place!

Having been through this twice with elderly parents. It’s all very well saying we will do this and that - but will we?

We will give up driving despite living rurally and take taxis? Both parents ended up in care homes kicking and screaming although DF did end up deciding it was the best place for him but not before he left the most horrendous mess for me to clear up.

We don’t want to be a burden for our children but something happens and we then become difficult for our children to manage us and we become very self absorbed, won’t be told what to do etc.

My mum, 86, just broke her hip trying to move a wheelie bin. Sigh, she lives in a flat, first floor, no lift.
It still remains to be seen how mobil she will be after rehab.

But, she is extremely good at organising. She moved from my childhood, semi detached to her current flat and obviously had to scale down what she can store. But she is still clearing out bit by bit, thinks she just packed and now realises she really doesn't need.

And - she has folders with all information we will require, addresses for insurance, banking, utilities. She even has a folder with all things for her funeral, including addresses of distant relatives.

She has a living will and I have power of attorney for her accounts.

You would appoint a solicitor to do this.

Or a trusted friend.

Thank you @DancingOnMoonbeams and @herewegoagainy

@herewegoagainy that's true but it gives you input into what you definitely don't want should you ever have to go in one. Having seen what's on offer in different ones, they're not all the same. It's good to get an idea of what sort of things you like and would prefer in old age.

I'm early 40s and three of my friends died in the last year from cancer. It has been a massive wake up call for me, one of them died three months after her diagnosis and it was (obviously!) such a shock.
I did a massive Swedish death clean. Got rid of so much stuff, I only have a small capsule wardrobe, haven't kept any sentimental stuff and with the dc's permission even got rid of their old school drawings and reports. I framed one nice piece from each dc and recycled the rest. Made a folder of all of my paperwork, including all of my passwords. My personal possessions could be packed up in an hour after I die.
Also made it very clear to leave me under a hedge that I don't want a funeral except the absolute basics. I really hate the thought of spending money on a dead body. I don't need a 'final send off', I'll be dead!

I’ve only heard about direct cremation from this thread but having now researched it, I’ll be telling my family that’s what I want when the time comes. I’m not religious so to me a body is just a body and I don’t want my children wasting money on expensive funerals when that whole industry is a rip off anyway.

Funerals are for the living not the dead.
I think to some extent whether the nearest and dearest want a funeral is more important than the deceased saying don't bother.

My DPs both still drive, though we are now discouraging anything long distance. This means they can still pop to the shops or to a medical appointment, or out to lunch as and when. It is important for their independence and general well being. No buses near to them so otherwise would be taxis.

My parents decided, after clearing out the homes of several elderly relatives, to take decisive action.
They sold the large family home and bought a 2 bedroom flat in middle of town. They sold or gave away all their clutter. They gave their 4 children some money gained from the sale and anything left when they have both died will be shared between their adult grand children.
They have living wills/ advanced directives and have made things as simple for us as possible. I am very grateful.
However, I am mid 50's and keep saying we should sort all this out and still haven't.
My best friends husband has been in ITU for the last month, still very unwell, same age as us. It is easy to put it off but you could be incapacitated today.

@LouLou789 , my DM had had dementia for 15 years before she died at 97, and for at least 3 or 4 of her final years had not known any of us, had been unable to hold any sort of conversation, etc.

But she’d left us a letter, written when she was still with it - it was lovely to read it, like having our ‘old’ mother back again.

People are led to believe it’s ’too difficult/complicated’ to do yourself.

Which it isn’t, for anyone of normal intelligence, but you do need to read the instructions very carefully - particularly as regards signing/dating by yourself and witnesses.

Any mistake means it will be rejected and you will have to start - and pay!- again.

Well that’s one way of looking at it. And of course the living can do what they want because the dead can’t complain! But I hope my children would respect my wishes. As I would theirs if they tell me they are totally against the idea of direct cremation, though I think they will go along with whatever I choose.

I’m in my 50’s and already preparing! Have an up to date will, do 20 minutes weights every day, 20 minutes cardio and walk 12,000 steps. I am very been to be fit enough to look after grandchildren in a useful way.

The biggest thing I’ve started to do though is to gradually cull all our possessions. Am slowly making my way through our attic. It’s really important to me that our children aren’t left with an absolute mountain of stuff and that they can find the family bits and pieces that really are important. I like the Swedish idea of “death cleaning”.