Page 10 | Preparing for old age?

herewegoagainy · 2024-02-14T13:24:11+00:00

I read many people frustrated that their elderly parents have done nothing to prepare for old age. So realistically what can people do ahead of time? I say being realistic as no one is going to clear the garage or attic that is full of sports equipment they are still using, or put in a stairlift when they are still going hill walking.

DiscoBeat · 16/02/2024 09:38

Only early 50s at the moment. We're intending never to move (5 bed with 3 floors and annexe) but if necessary we'll move downstairs. My Dad did the same in his 3 floor house and just had a 'micro environment' in the end. But we have organized POAs and wills.

reluctantbrit · 16/02/2024 09:53

Twiglets1 · 16/02/2024 09:19

Well that’s one way of looking at it. And of course the living can do what they want because the dead can’t complain! But I hope my children would respect my wishes. As I would theirs if they tell me they are totally against the idea of direct cremation, though I think they will go along with whatever I choose.

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My mum told us to just do a short funeral, not a full mass and no wake.

Fair enough in a way as she outlived my dad, all her siblings and partners and all but one cousin and one SIL from my dad's side.

But, I know that there are some family members, me, three nieces and nephews and 2 grandchildren who will mourn her deeply. And I said that if they are able to come (living all over the country) I will book a table and we will eat and drink and share stories.

reluctantbrit · 16/02/2024 09:56

DiscoBeat · 16/02/2024 09:38

Only early 50s at the moment. We're intending never to move (5 bed with 3 floors and annexe) but if necessary we'll move downstairs. My Dad did the same in his 3 floor house and just had a 'micro environment' in the end. But we have organized POAs and wills.

You need to be careful with this. If a portion of a house is closed off and not regularly used, you may miss problems like damp for example.

You still need to air and heat the whole house and get someone to check the rooms and also the loft on a regular basis.

We saw a house like this once and considered an offer but the state of the unused rooms was really bad and while the house was priced accordingly we didn't want to do so much work to sort out issues.

Iwasafool · 16/02/2024 10:05

herewegoagainy · 15/02/2024 16:38

@emmaempenadas I do not see the point in looking into care homes. It may be 20 or 30 years until I need one. The highly rated one could by that time be an awful one.

Or have no vacancies or have closed down. When I was looking for a place for an elderly relative lots of the nice ones had waiting lists which isn't much use in an emergency.

EmpressSoleil · 16/02/2024 10:30

madderthanahatter · 15/02/2024 23:48

I'm early 40s and three of my friends died in the last year from cancer. It has been a massive wake up call for me, one of them died three months after her diagnosis and it was (obviously!) such a shock.
I did a massive Swedish death clean. Got rid of so much stuff, I only have a small capsule wardrobe, haven't kept any sentimental stuff and with the dc's permission even got rid of their old school drawings and reports. I framed one nice piece from each dc and recycled the rest. Made a folder of all of my paperwork, including all of my passwords. My personal possessions could be packed up in an hour after I die.
Also made it very clear to leave me under a hedge that I don't want a funeral except the absolute basics. I really hate the thought of spending money on a dead body. I don't need a 'final send off', I'll be dead!

I do understand where you're coming from but your post makes me feel a bit sad. Your whole life packed up in an hour. I mean I get not wanting to leave behind a mess but there is a middle ground. You're only in your early 40s. I know you've lost friends at that age but you could live another 40/50 years.

I would definitely miss my "things" if I got rid of them. And what my DC might like to keep of mine could easily change over 10/20/30 years. I won't be doing any "death cleaning". I see it as more of a gradual thing. Each year I get rid of some things and buy less. I know that doesn't account for sudden death but I'm going to be optimistic and assume I'll live an average lifespan!

Twiglets1 · 16/02/2024 10:53

What you describe sounds lovely @reluctantbrit

TeenDivided · 16/02/2024 11:54

My possessions give me joy.
From here I can see various ornaments I inherited from my lovely Granny who lived to 100 and from DH's parents, and things from holidays, and lovely pictures etc etc.
I'm not going to spend years of my life preparing for death.

madderthanahatter · 16/02/2024 12:13

EmpressSoleil · 16/02/2024 10:30

I do understand where you're coming from but your post makes me feel a bit sad. Your whole life packed up in an hour. I mean I get not wanting to leave behind a mess but there is a middle ground. You're only in your early 40s. I know you've lost friends at that age but you could live another 40/50 years.

I would definitely miss my "things" if I got rid of them. And what my DC might like to keep of mine could easily change over 10/20/30 years. I won't be doing any "death cleaning". I see it as more of a gradual thing. Each year I get rid of some things and buy less. I know that doesn't account for sudden death but I'm going to be optimistic and assume I'll live an average lifespan!

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Don't feel sad, I'm not moping in a corner waiting to die, I'm trying to live life to the max! The only personal possessions that bring me joy are photographs, I got my favourites made into books. I don't get any joy out of clothes or furniture, any extra money I have goes on travel.
When my dgm died my mum and uncle spent about 3 months clearing/sorting the house. It was not only very stressful for them, but my DM still has a lot of my dgm's treasured possessions in her garage in boxes 20 years later as she can't bear to get rid of them. I've told my dc they are free to bin/donate anything of mine after death, no need to hang onto anything out of guilt.
ETA: I feel much freer after I'd cleared out, I don't miss a thing and there's a lot less dust.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 16/02/2024 16:54

Glad to see your update there @madderthanahatter as I was also a bit concerned by your first post. Sorry to hear about your friends . I agree about the photos and the travel .

HeadShoulderHipsandCalves · 17/02/2024 10:10

EmpressSoleil · 14/02/2024 19:42

@TeenDivided

Both my adult DC are ND and they breathed a huge sigh of relief when I told them they didn't need to have a funeral for me. The last thing they would need when grieving is all the hassle of trying to sort out a funeral and potentially have to stand there and give a eulogy to an audience of people they barely know. (We have little family so it would be mostly my friends/colleagues). Its the last thing they'd want.

Instead they will have my ashes. With both DD and DS we have places that are meaningful for us for them to be scattered. They can have a quiet moment of saying goodbye, no pressure. Just simple and meaningful. They both agreed this is the preferable option for them and I'm more than happy to accommodate that.

On the topic of decluttering. House clearance places do exist! They'll just chuck the lot. If you're not comfortable with that, I'd say its more a you problem than the elderly relative that left the stuff behind! My DC have already had pointed out to them what they should sell and what can just be either kept for themselves or chucked. It shouldn't be that hard. Obviously major hoarding is another issue entirely but general "stuff" shouldn't be that hard to deal with. I don't think it necessitates anything so drastic as a "death clean".

Well, it's kind of an environment problem too