Preparing for old age?

[herewegoagainy]

I read many people frustrated that their elderly parents have done nothing to prepare for old age. So realistically what can people do ahead of time? I say being realistic as no one is going to clear the garage or attic that is full of sports equipment they are still using, or put in a stairlift when they are still going hill walking.

Siblings easily fall out when parents either die or become unwell. I've already seen two families fall apart and it wasn't greed or will related, more about decisions about care or what to do with the house. I will do whatever it takes to make sure my children do not have that bond broken. I fear it will happen again with my ILs as MIL refuses to make any plans and was very upset when SIL asked her what her care preferences are for when she can no longer manage, (she has a serious degenerative condition) I was told by SIL that no one is to mention it again in case it upsets her, so she will now have no say if she is unable to communicate and DH and SIL may not agree.

Yes obviously anyone can become ill at any time. But I see a lot of people kind of give up on exercise in their 50/60s and it’s a bit of a downward spiral to be honest. The less strong you are the more likely you will have issues. That’s a fact. Not sure why people are arguing with that.

For example the 2nd leading cause of death in the elderly is falls. So do Pilates and strength work to help with balance and you are less likely to fall. If you do and you’ve been doing strength work you are less likely to break a bone. We can all help ourselves. It’s no magic bullet, I never said it was.

As far as funerals go, these are for the living. I consider that it's none of my business what my funeral is like, as I'll be dead. I wouldn't plan it or try to control what my children do regarding my funeral.

And I didn't worry overly about my Dad's funeral - I just did what I wanted, rather than agonising about what he might have wanted (we never discussed it). I think you can try and control these things too much.

Early 60s but with another 6 years til retirement here. Am trying to get rid of some stuff but my 'hoarding' is actually my hobby supplies which I will hopefully have time to use when I retire so not getting rid of all that.

I would like to downsize but can't really at present as need to be able to get to work without the car as no parking. I also need to spend more money than I have to fix house for sale ideally.

Do have will and POA for health and finance and I keep my financial stuff simple.

No time for actual formal exercises but walk to work. I find stairs tricky sometimes now when weather is damp as all joints play up. Nothing to be done about that I suspect. I know I would be a lot fitter if I didn't work full time.

In ideal world I would move to either a bungalow or a stair lift suitable home in the next few years.

Sorry but I do think it’s a little sad to be moving in to bungalows at 50/60 years old unless you have health issues.

My dad and stepmum have been amazingly pro active in this sense. They're only 68 and 71 respectively but my dad has Parkinson's and both had a nightmare sorting out their own parents affairs.

They've had myself and my half brother sign documents for power of attorney etc when / if the time comes along with documents about what they want to happen in the event of X,Y,Z ie in terms of dementia / nursing care / homes etc.

They've downsized and decluttered down to the bare minimum.

Just generally extremely organised and taken into account all sorts of scenarios and written down their wishes in advance. My stepmum jokes that if she has dementia we aren't allowed to let her be dressed in pink so we joke back that she won't know 😂 it's all a very positive and reassuring thing imo.

I'm in a 2 story terraced house but I've made it as low maintenance as possible. Very small garden with no grass, just flower beds. Front drive I got rid of grass there too. So just pots for colour. Outside of the house itself is maintenance free other than getting the gutters cleaned out every so often.
I've got 3 bedrooms, a bathroom & ensuite upstairs but I've already worked out how I'll use downstairs should I need to be all on the flat. I've a downstairs bathroom & I've measured & will be able to fit a shower in it so I'm saving for that. It's the only thing I need to do to make downstairs perfect to live in. I'll turn the sitting room into my bedroom & the sunroom off the kitchen will be my living room. I'm 49 on Monday so not needed for a while yet but good to have a plan. I also like knowing that if needed down the line, I have room upstairs should my children ever need to move back home. I mean I hope they don't haha but if they need to they can.

I've got my will done & I've got life insurance so not sure what else I can do.

I’m not having a bungalow but when we move I will have a house that can have a stair lift plus have a shower and loo or at least a layout so one can be adapted. Will need to be near a bus route and a hospital, want lots of facilities within a 15 min drive so that I can taxi it if I have to give up driving.

We have a will but it needs changing, I retired early at 55 and got rid of 7 car boot fulls of stuff. Just need to finish the loft. I will do a POA in a couple of years.

It is interesting that most of those saying preparing like this are a bit younger. One of the sobering parts about getting a bit older is seeing friends and relatives your age dying or developing serious illnesses. So it does make you think.

I would add to all those ideas not to put things off. If there is something you really want to do then do it while you can.

We need to declutter. And eventually downsize so that we have a smaller place to keep clean and maintain. I would not jump to getting a cleaner and gardener too soon. I play sport at a very amateur level, but not having a cleaner or gardener makes me be a bit more active on non sport days than I otherwise would be. My mum was the same. She bought a small lightweight hoover when she got older. But she was still hoovering and cleaning when it was the only real exercise she got.

And I think you do not need a bungalow. You do need the option to be able to live downstairs at least temporarily e.g. after surgery. That can mean a downstairs toilet and strip washes if it came to it.

We already live in a house where we can live downstairs if necessary.
Wills are in place. Finances are joint.
Currently working on making the garden low maintenance. (This is for my benefit.)

Yes, ‘bungalow knees’ are def. a thing. My folks moved to one in their 60s, not because they particularly wanted one, but it was all they could find In their chosen area.
But after 3 years they decided they didn’t like the area after all, and moved again, to a 2,storey house. And were shocked to find how a lack of stairs had affected their fitness.

But it did eventually return, and my DM was still well able to manage stairs when she moved to a care home at nearly 89 (dementia). I do realise that she was lucky, mobility wise though.

You really cannot control your health other than not becoming obese ( being overweight puts a strain of your joints and also,if you become immobile, makes caring/moving and handling much more difficult) and maintaining the ability to get off the floor unassisted and in and out of a chair. Your health can change in the blink of an eye and it can be completely random. I think people are very naive to think otherwise. I have worked in multiple health settings and seen the fittest of people lose their health and mobility very quickly to illnesses they could not have avoided through diet or exercise ( MND, cancer in spine causing paralysis and loss of bowel/ bladder control, Parkinson’s, MS, aneurysms to name just a few)

@TeenDivided I tend to agree re having the “ritual” of grieving. A friend of mine lost both her parents within 2 years. They had requested to have their ashes scattered together in a specific rural location that meant something to them. My friend and her sister obliged at the time, but my friend now regrets not having a “place to go” like a grave where she can feel connected to them.

I've got a "death file" with my pensions, Will and pre paid funeral details in.
I've got no clutter.
Planning on having the bath replaced with a walk in shower.

I’m planning to empty my loft, lose a lot of weight to be fitter, generally de clutter my house, re-make a will and organise some extensive notes for both our adult children from different marriages. I’ll make it as easy as I can for our kids but I’m not living in any way I know I wouldn’t be happy.

I’m not moving, and I will have a stair lift if ever I need one and modifications to a bathroom. And then I’m going to make sure DH and I enjoy ourselves, be as healthy and as happy as we can be.

Good point, we are in a 4 bed detached but if we needed to sleep downstairs we could turn the dining room into a bedroom (after getting rid of DHs junk, I mean treasured collections) and we have a downstairs loo. It might be a bit of a struggle to fit a shower in there but maybe under the stairs next to the loo might work?

@TeenDivided

Both my adult DC are ND and they breathed a huge sigh of relief when I told them they didn't need to have a funeral for me. The last thing they would need when grieving is all the hassle of trying to sort out a funeral and potentially have to stand there and give a eulogy to an audience of people they barely know. (We have little family so it would be mostly my friends/colleagues). Its the last thing they'd want.

Instead they will have my ashes. With both DD and DS we have places that are meaningful for us for them to be scattered. They can have a quiet moment of saying goodbye, no pressure. Just simple and meaningful. They both agreed this is the preferable option for them and I'm more than happy to accommodate that.

On the topic of decluttering. House clearance places do exist! They'll just chuck the lot. If you're not comfortable with that, I'd say its more a you problem than the elderly relative that left the stuff behind! My DC have already had pointed out to them what they should sell and what can just be either kept for themselves or chucked. It shouldn't be that hard. Obviously major hoarding is another issue entirely but general "stuff" shouldn't be that hard to deal with. I don't think it necessitates anything so drastic as a "death clean".

I was warned many years ago by a boyfriend's mother not to get into jazzercise as it can fuck your knees up. Not that I wanted to anyway, but it put me right off all high-impact exercise. And I'm glad. I can feel (in my bones?!) that it wouldn't be good for me.

Having recently come out the other end of caring for very infirm parents (who until their final two years has been vital and productive people) and then them dying, I have to say the funerals were the least of my worries and traumas.
It can be brutal. I still get flashbacks 2 years on. The funerals are actually quite nice memories - gave me something g creative and meaningful to do, and then lots of people were lovely about my parents.
So don't knock a funeral and having to organise it. Incredibly therapeutic after the blood and gore and trauma is months of decline.
I feel quite strongly about this!

You are so right. I was at a funeral a couple of weeks ago for an old colleague who had Parkinsons. He was fit, slim, very healthy until Parkinsons struck and it changed so quickly. Rob Burrows was a fit rugby player, I don't suppose he ever thought MND would cause the damage it has.

I hurt my back before Christmas, had a 45 minute physio assessment last week and the result was my balance was excellent for a 70 year old, my joints were all in good condition except for a bit of tendon tightness caused by the back problem which he said would be fine in a month. Back all healed and physio said no need to change anything. I do no exercise other than housework, caring for DH and lots of childcare with GC. My younger sibling fitness freak and lover of yoga, just been diagnosed with Parkinsons.

Not everything can be controlled and it doesn't always seem very fair.

My mother died last year, leaving the house that had been our family home for over 50 years. Then, in the Autumn, my FIL died, and disabled MiL was left alone in a house where they had hoarded for many decades, and which was wholly unsuitable for her need without a carer.

DH and I have now made the decision that, whenever we are in our 60s, we will either move so that our children never have to empty their family home, or, dedicate time to ridding ourselves of all thee excess belongings we have here.

We will also ensure we have wills, that there are lists of all suppliers, bank accounts etc and we will pre-pay our funerals. My mum had all of this in place and it has made things much easier than they might have been.

We've got a future proofed home with room for a lift if we need one installed. Finances sorted. Wills sorted. Don't want funerals so that's easy.

@Delatron my H bans any talk about anything involving downsizing, retirement etc - we are 59 and 62 (I'm the older one) - he finds it all 'highly depressing ' problem is we are going through this stage with his dad who is84 and he says at the moment he will concentrate on that. His dad has made some sensible plans, POA, will and he's busy clearing out but is stuck in a small depressing village with 1 grotty pub , 1 very grotty shop - doctors and shops around 5 miles away and he's still driving and he has stairs- thing is he wants a bungalow but ideally nearer to us and now says he's too old to move and too busy 'clearing out' so we are now leaving him too it. He's also 145 miles away from us

@MyHuckleberryFriends
you can play a big part in your own health, you can't completely control your health but you can do yourself a lot of favours to grow old in a comfortable body that works as best you can keep it

https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/japplphysiol.00852.2004

I have friends who have not looked after their bodies, they haven't worried about the food they put inside or not completing any exercise. That is there choice, but the consequence are they are very uncomfortable and having to take tablets to control different aspects of their health.