Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

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I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

When a woman goes on a date, particularly with someone she's never met before, she's actually taking a risk with her personal safety. Yes you meet in a public place to minimise that risk, but still, you still have to hope he's not a violent, crazy person. Therefore dating is not equal....and if a man doesn't even think that risk you've taken is worth him buying you a cup of coffee, well he can fuck right off.

You are not a couple. I would treat it as a first date and buy my own.
if he was gorgeous, I bet you would have overlooked the coffee.

Exactly. The sexism at play with 'the man should pay', 'it's gentlemanly' etc is depressing. Women of my generation, and several before, fought for so long to be considered equal.

True

A man can buy you coffee and still see you as an equal you know.

A true gold digger would never accept a coffee date invitation. Don't think there is much gold to be dug in a £3 latte

@SoupDragon there is no way I am going to ask him if he wants anything when he didn't have the thought to ask me if I wanted anything

Or he could drug the coffee.

No I agree each pay for their own coffee but there needs to be that social dance of "would you like a coffee" "no that's OK ill get my own" from who ever is there first.

You are a near stranger and it’s a first date. Dating can be really expensive. There is just no need to be bought coffee. Buy your own, chat, see if you get on.

I think it’s sensible and wouldn’t bother me at all.

@coldcallerbaiter yes if I fancied him I probably would have met him again but I definitely wouldn't have liked the not offering me a coffee bit.

Where is everyone going that a latte is only £3 or are you all having the small size?

Put it this way, if a man posted and said he was going on a first date and arrived and the woman was already sitting there waiting with a cup of coffee and then complained and called her a tightwad because she didn’t get up to get him one while she sat down.
He would be slaughtered.

A woman actively wanting to pay her way on dates does not mean her bar is low. It means she does not want to confirm to patriarchal stereotypes that see men as "providers", with all the control/dominance this (often) entails.

I would not want a man who assumed he should pay on the first date because he has a penis and I don't. That attitude makes me feel patronised and belittled, and my bar is higher than that.

Perhaps our bars aren't at different heights. More they are across entirely different gateways

My idea of a great prospective life partner is entirely different from yours and from OPs. And that's cool. It would be a tricky world if we were all attracted to the same person.

There is an easy way to avoid this problem. Next time a man asks you out for coffee you should reply and ask them to confirm if that means they will be paying for your drink.

ps good luck with that

If he's buying me a coffee because he believes that's what a man should do on the first date then I'd be wondering about how old fashioned he may be in other areas, especially if he insisted on buying me a coffee.

Not the type of relationship I'd be looking for at all.

@Icantbedoingwithit actually I would have probably replied to him and said that it would have been nice of her to offer seeing as she got there first.

You realise you are also still single? Looks like you both aren’t attracting the partner you want. Both of you can either keep searching or change your attitude (obviously I am talking about you both meeting other people, you clearly aren’t suited), but then that would involve a compromise you may be unhappy with in the long term.

Neither of you are wrong. Personally I don’t think he’s ‘ungentlemanly’ or ‘stingy’, and I also don’t think you are demanding. You both have different expectations and it’s great you’ve found out over a coffee rather than an expensive meal.

Your claim that his behaviour is resulting in him being single also applies to you though.

All of that said, I do think the person already there on the date should offer to go and order the drink for the later arrival, to give them time to get settled, coat off etc. i'd do that for a friend or for a date. It's polite and kind, regardless of gender.

If OP was first I think she should have done this. And I think the fella should have done this for her in this case. But not because he's the one with the penis.

I think the initial social niceties are important. That dance of 1st person there stands up, greets, exclaims how lovely this all is, can I get you a drink; the 2nd replies no I'll get mine, you drink yours whilst hot. Can I get you anything else whilst I'm up? No thank you the reply. So each buys their own. Its Round 2 that is interesting.

man offers to buy coffee - OMG it is the 21st C what is he living in the dark ages, has he ever heard of equality it is a red flag

man does not offer to buy coffee - he is a stingy and will take you for all your money, how could he do this to you it is a red flag

You are still single too …

So you would have done the same had you been there first? I doubt it.

I think it's manners to be honest, just lack of good manners

Wouldnt it be easier to send potential dates a list of what you find accetable or not?

Answer the question. Would YOU have got up and got him one?