Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

@TeachesOfPeaches I agree, the bar really is on the floor.

It isn't rude at all, just get your own coffee.

Then again I'd be more put off by a man insisting on buying me a coffee.

I wouldn't expect him to buy it, but I would expect him to offer. Just as I would offer had I arrived first and got myself one.

YABU to post an AIBU in Chat! And yes, YABU about the coffee too.

It'd be nice if they offered tbh. I'd think they were inconsiderate. Whoever I was meeting, I'd offer them a coffee if I got there first.

It's more the offer than actually buying it.

I may be female but would be perfectly capable of buying my own, it is not that hard

Buy your own bloody coffee. Christ Almighty.

Yes. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned but it would be a nice gesture. It's the same in most social situations for people to offer to get others drinks etc

I’d expect them to wait outside for you.
However, I expect he didn’t fancy you, even the tightest of people would surely try to impress. That goes for either sex waiting and/or buying. So same if you arrived first.

I think whoever was there first should say "can I get you a coffee?" As part of the hi nice to see you. Whoever that is. And then the person who has arrived 2nd says "oh no that's very kind but I'll just grab my own."

He texted to tell me he was already there in the coffee shop..So to not even think and ask if he can get me anything is just rude..it's more the offer tbh and it obviously didn't dawn on him to ask

If I arrived after and they had managed to get a table and a coffee, I would say, ‘oh hi! Thanks for getting the table, just going to get a drink, can I get you anything’. If they offered to buy one for me, I’d say, ‘no it’s fine, you have one already, I’ll be back in a sec’.

But, when I met my now husband I didn’t even think about taking in turns to buy rounds - we just did, in fact I would probably get more as I knew I earned more than him at the time (we worked together, sadly earn a bit less than him now!!).

I’ve never wanted that kind of relationship where people have to conform to the gender stereotypes of ‘men being gentlemanly’. We have an equal partnership where we both take equal responsibility for mental load, housework, financial stuff, and childcare. I wouldn’t have it any other way and we are so happy.

If that’s not you bag, then it’s good to iron out these issues early on - at least both of you haven’t lost out on anything (especially as you both bought and drank your own coffees!).

That reminds me of that Miley Cyrus song "I can buy my own coffee"

Exactly. You might want to look at the menu board or prefer to buy coffee yourself for whatever reason.
But not to even offer is rude. Thoughtless at the very least.
Maybe his circle does things differently though? I think I'd give him a chance but it's not a good start.

@TraitorRoundTable well he obviously did fancy me as he asked to meet up again and I declined. He's just a tightwad.

YANBU.

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but there does seem to be a certain ‘type’ of man who utterly resents paying for ANYTHING for his date and will get out of it as much as possible, even turning up early as OP describes to avoid paying the princely sum of £3 for an extra coffee. And before anyone starts, this applies to taking turns as well - I’m more than happy to do rounds, but they can’t even bring themselves to do that (presumably in case you order a more expensive drink or something).

I don’t even know if it’s stinginess as such or a paranoid ‘this woman won’t be freeloading off ME’ type thing, but loads of my friends have experienced it and I have once as well.

In my small sample of coffee first dates -

1 he was there already and had his coffee, asked me what I wanted and went and got mine

2 - twice we’d arranged to meet in the car park so did that then went in together and ordered together. Had a little tussle about paying, I paid first one he paid second

3 - he was in the queue when I arrived, asked me what I wanted and paid

Did you say why you didn't accept a second date? 😂

I wouldn't think anything of this. I'm old enough to remember the days when things were even less equal than they are now. Men paying for coffee simply because they are men is, or should be, part of history.

The stuff about low bars is nonsense.

On a first meet up, buy your own, you owe him nothing and can leave without ordering if you wish. I think you’re presumptuous and a tad CF and 1950s.

For a first date i would expect to each pay for their own.

Maybe they think of you as an equal

@EveryOtherNameTaken I actually didn't fancy him at all anyway physically but obviously the coffee situation didn't help. I just told him I wasn't feeling a connection

This is why my friend hates dating, women expect to be paid for every time and he can’t afford it. Buy your own coffee!