Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

This is what I think of as a modern day relationship and equal, men taking you out and paying is a bit more old fashioned IMO however too many men seem to be in the middle expecting equal spending, woman working full time and contributing equally but also doing all the women jobs like it's the bloody 1950's! I agree OP it would be a no to a second date for me

maybe this is why more men don't jump up to throw money at women, because he could have been on countless dates with women who just want to go somewhere and have drinks/meals bought for them with no intention of contacting the guy again and he's fed up with it? If you didn't find him physically attractive at all why did you bother meeting up with him?

Making it clear that you both buy your own at the beginning is a good way to weed out the users, and puts you both on a more equal footing which is how it should be, to begin with at least.

Well to me, being "old fashioned" is no bad thing at all and I wouldn't be looking for a relationship with a man who wouldn't buy me a drink on a first date. I can't even get my head around that tbh.

As another poster said, it'll be because our respective "bars" cross entirely different gateways.

Even gold diggers have to start somewhere.

This.

We’re not on an equal footing. Men earn more, they’re a bigger risk for us. Women are very usually the ones left looking after and paying for their children after they’ve fucked off. They don’t even pay tax on their razors. Women also do the vast majority of unpaid care, whether that’s as the mum of their kids, or sister looking after elderly parents.

Convincing us that we need to look ‘less grabby’ by splitting everything even on the first date is a brilliant trick they’ve played on us. Now they don’t have to pay a penny for a nice time, very usually sex and eventually a live in maid.

A man paying on the first few dates shows he feels he has to win you, and impress you, and is happy to take a gamble losing a few quid because he feels the chance to date you is worth it. It shows he isn’t allergic to parting with money which SO many men seem to be.

It may just be coincidence but in my experience EVERY man that is obsessed with going Dutch and spending every penny directly on himself usually turns out to be a tight, abusive wanker and this extends beyond dating into going exactly halves on food, or asking you to pay the nursery bill ‘because you’re choosing to work’.

This is also the experience of my friends.

@Wictc yes but I know why I'm single. It's because I'm fussy, I have had guys interested in seeing me again but I just wasn't feeling it.
I've also had guys that I have liked breadcrumb me etc so that hasn't worked out either.

First ‘date’ - tbh I would call this a taster session (trailer) to decide if you would like to spend 2-3 hours on a proper date with them. It works two ways.
I would get my own coffee, for safety if nothing else to be sure of no added extras.

Oh yes... these men are very very keen on equality when it comes to finances...less so when it comes to housework. Funny that

He definitely should have gotten you a coffee.

Um right, and do you think you’re still single on account of you seem to feel being female entitles you to free stuff?

Maybe he got there first so he could do a runner whilst you ordering if, if he needed to 🤷🏻‍♀️

At least it means you can cross them off your list before having to waste any more dates on them.

You seem very confused. And angry. And to have dated a lot of arseholes.

The post wasn’t about permanently splitting costs but one coffee on a first date.

Heaven knows why women have children with dreadful men all the time but let’s hope most people here go on more than one date before making such decisions.

Absolutely. I fully advocate this approach.

walk in say hi, if he’s letting you buy your own coffee, just leave. Just keep doing this till one buys you a coffee. 👍

@Icantbedoingwithit no I wouldn't have stood up and got him one. But he was the one that asked me out for coffee so I feel he should have offered

👏🏼👏🏼😄

You absolutely made it a gendered thing when you said it was the “gentlemanly” thing to do

i think he’s dodged a bullet if you (like half of mumsnet) believe the man should be paying just because he’s a man.

Yawn. There you go.

Absolutely.

It usually costs more for a woman to go on a date...men generally expect someone well groomed..basic haircare, make up and nicely outfit.

Women take more of a risk meeting up...is he dangerous, violent?

If it does go well and further down the line you sleep together, that is again a huge risk with your personal safety. Also the danger of becoming pregnant.

If you do have children, you're the one who takes a risk with your physical health .. pregnancy and birth can kill you. You lose out on your salary during maternity leave etc etc

But yep...look at all these terrible golddiggers after a free latte 😂

Yeah, it would be the exact opposite for me. If he tried insisting on buying me a coffee to be a 'gentleman', the date would be over.

Definitely just a case of wanting completely different things from relationships which doesn't surprise me, to be honest.

and the prize for biggest leap goes to…

Maybe time travel back to the 70s, or earlier, if that’s what you want.

You're very much mistaken if you think women who expect a man to pay are after free stuff. It's nothing to do with that.

Haha DH and I met outside the coffee shop and he let me go ahead and buy my own coffee and cake, date No1. I still married him, he's a great husband.

I was taking the piss..😂