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Original poster

Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

411 replies

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:23

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

OP posts:
BloodandGlitter · 13/02/2024 20:50

Men were expected to buy the coffee or pay for the first date because they were expected to be financially better off than the woman as she, obviously, having a vagina could not do a man's job. Women can now do those jobs, and so we can leave that tiredness in the past.

2Old2Tango · 13/02/2024 20:51

Women have fought so hard for equality and to rid the world of misogyny. Except when it comes to dating, when some women still want the man to shell out for their drinks/food.

Naptrappedmummy · 13/02/2024 20:51

Thelondonone · 13/02/2024 20:49

This is why my friend hates dating, women expect to be paid for every time and he can’t afford it. Buy your own coffee!

If he can’t afford an extra coffee then he’s not in a position to be dating. He’s skint and probably in debt.

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SoupDragon · 13/02/2024 20:52

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:34

@JacksonLambsEatIvy I might pay if I asked him out but generally I just think it's a gentlemanly thing to do for the man to at least offer to get the coffee. It's a £3 coffee. And the fact that they greet me and then sit back down again, it just doesn't sit well with me.

So you don't believe in equality? You think a woman is a delicate little flower who needs to be looked after by a big strong man?

dear god... it's 2024 FFS!

Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:52

I think it is very rude to be sitting there with a coffee and not ask the person on their way if they want anything. I would certainly ask a date or a friend who is on their way if they wanted anything..it's just plain rude and selfish not to offer

OP posts:
BloodandGlitter · 13/02/2024 20:52

Naptrappedmummy · 13/02/2024 20:51

If he can’t afford an extra coffee then he’s not in a position to be dating. He’s skint and probably in debt.

Show quote history

Ah yes, Poor people should never be allowed to date! Send them to the workhouse and have rid.

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 20:53

I’d be expecting him to produce a string quartet, a dancing peacock, then lay down his cloak for me to walk on.

Standards these days are terrible.

No I would not expect him to jump,up for a casual coffee in a basic coffee shop. Maybe if there was a second coffee but really, it’s just a cheap coffee.

Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:53

I actually don't think it's even a gender thing, I think it's just a polite thing to do. But it does make it worse when it's a date situation

OP posts:
Naptrappedmummy · 13/02/2024 20:54

BloodandGlitter · 13/02/2024 20:52

Ah yes, Poor people should never be allowed to date! Send them to the workhouse and have rid.

Show quote history

Or just read all the threads about women dating men who have debts and therefore cocklodge

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/02/2024 20:55

Go and get yourself a coffee then sit down and say you'll never guess what happened to me today. I did the lottery on Monday night and I won the £10,000 a month for the next 30 years. I can't believe it!

Then sit back and see how nice he is to you and how many coffees he tries to buy you.

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 13/02/2024 20:55

when we met with my husband, he was so excited , forgot his wallet in his car. I bought water because we were sat on a beach and it was hot. When we had three hours chat sitting on the beach, we went back to his car and he treated me to a dinner, no question who is paying. He paid it and made me feel like a lady in a movie. We have been together since minute 1. May be my story is not the usual one.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/02/2024 20:55

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:53

I actually don't think it's even a gender thing, I think it's just a polite thing to do. But it does make it worse when it's a date situation

If it wasn't based on the fact he's a man, you wouldn't have used the terms old fashioned and gentlemany.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2024 20:55

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:53

I actually don't think it's even a gender thing, I think it's just a polite thing to do. But it does make it worse when it's a date situation

You literally said you think it is the "gentlemanly thing to do"!

Mytoddlerisferal · 13/02/2024 20:56

Yip I’m with you on this one! Even if I was meeting a friend, as a PP said I would text and ask what to order them or say I’d get it when they came in if I was already sitting with one. Otherwise I think it looks a bit rude like I got there early just to avoid having to buy them a coffee. This is less important with a friend but on a first date I would personally expect him to be bending over backwards to impress 🤣 call me old fashioned

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/02/2024 20:56

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:41

He texted to tell me he was already there in the coffee shop..So to not even think and ask if he can get me anything is just rude..it's more the offer tbh and it obviously didn't dawn on him to ask

It did dawn on him to ask but he decided not to before you even arrived.

Icantbedoingwithit · 13/02/2024 20:56

Why on earth would he get up from the table, let his coffee go cold and go buy you a coffee when you are already on your feet. Sounds like you are the tightwad in fairness .

Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:57

I think it is worse if it's a date situation and the man is already there and sorts himself out for coffee but doesn't offer to get mine. It also makes it worse if he's the one that asked me out and doesn't bother getting me one

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:58

@Icantbedoingwithit he stood up to greet me so he was on his feet

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:00

@determinedtomakethiswork how do you know it dawned on him to ask?

OP posts:
notprincehamlet · 13/02/2024 21:00

I'd expect him to be buying my coffee while my people park my sedan chair and plump the cushions on my throne

Icantbedoingwithit · 13/02/2024 21:00

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:58

@Icantbedoingwithit he stood up to greet me so he was on his feet

So gentlemanly enough then. But because he didn’t run and pay for your coffee he is a tightwad. Have a bit of independence and buy your own.

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:01

He probably didn’t offer as he wanted to find out if you were one of those women who expects men to pay for everything even though this is 2024 and we are not hopeless little creatures not permitted to earn money.

Many men do not want to be taken for a ride by gold diggers. Sadly too many of those around so he may have been testing you.

Original poster
Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:01

@Icantbedoingwithit a tightwad and thoughtless, yes.

OP posts:
easilydistracted1 · 13/02/2024 21:02

Maybe he didn't think you'd be comfortable with taking a drink off a strange man. I wouldn't. Maybe it's a test. Maybe it's just super awkward leaving his own coffee while you pass on your possibly long winded order to him and he goes up to order and you stare at his coffee. Maybe he goes on a lot of coffee dates. But I really wouldn't worry if you don't fancy him

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/02/2024 21:02

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:00

@determinedtomakethiswork how do you know it dawned on him to ask?

Because everybody knows that's what you do on a date. He knows that. He's not stupid. He decided not to do it probably because some woman went out with him once and had a drink and then dumped him. Seriously, every single person knows that when you go out for a date with someone you buy him a drink.