Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

Also some posters should go to countries where only male chaperones can order and pay for women, they'd genuinely love it there lol

I think they should wait outside for you ,maybe treat you as its only a coffee and would be polite?

Because there's literally no middle ground between him getting you a coffee and him having Saudi Arabian ideals...

I think you're making a racist generalisation.

Plenty of Middle Eastern women I know are respected and loved by their husbands, and have a voice in their household.

They probably still do have LESS independence in the household and in public than women in other countries.

But I'm guessing the women on this thread won't mind! As I wrote earlier, "I know this [cafe thing] is a small example, but if you want the man coddling you over such silly matters, surely to SOME extent you still need to obey him like a good little woman who knows her place?" The middle ground you refer to does exist in the Middle East – they're just QUITE submissive, not TOTALLY submissive. They have plenty of arguments at home lol.

Overall I think in the Middle East, women are mostly infantilised / coddled / "respected" like precious delicate jewels who do "women's work" that men could never do.

I think @Naptrappedmummy put it very well as they would in the Middle East (or fundamentalist Bible Belt Christianity which I grew up around) where the woman is a special prize you have to take very good care of – "he has to win you, and impress you, and is happy to take a gamble losing a few quid because he feels the chance to date you is worth it". (And I think she would enjoy those religions!)

It's not my thing but I do understand and respect that some women like it. From this thread, that's clear anyway

Whilst true equality would dictate you get your own coffee, I totally understand what you mean. I want to be treated at the beginning. I'm not bothered by the money aspect, but generosity (in actions as much as finance) are important to me.

My husband, after nearly 20 years together, still let's me go first through doors. It's the little things and I'm also encouraging my boys to have this "old fashioned" gentlemanliness. It's not about being submissive, as we know men rarely are, it's just a lovely quality in a man, I feel anyway.

I'm cringing for you 🤣

@Getthethrowonthesofa he didn't strike me off. He asked to meet again but I didn't want to. He did get to his feet to greet me then sat back down to drink his coffee.

Do you not have any statues in your town?

Or similarly prominent landmarks to stand by?

I'd expect it if he asked me out.. he should say " sit down .. what would you like"?
And go and get you one.
That's the correct polite etiquette.

@Trulyme I wasn't late. He was early. I was on time.

@ruhroh it's not racist to say women in Saudi have less freedom, it's fact.

I notice you didn't respond to my point about there being no middle ground though.

Opening doors for women, letting them walk on the inside of the pavement - those are basic good manners and I hope they never die out.

Paying for dates isn't the same thing in my book - and certainly not a first date.

Oh yes OP, I'm with you on this one. Many moons ago I went on an OLD date with a man who did exactly this. His profile was promising - attractive, well travelled, professional career in the caring field, so I was expecting someone with good manners and etiquette. Met him at costa and he was sat just inside the door sipping in his large latte. He didn't get up to greet me let alone offer to buy me a drink! I gave him a second chance but he was exactly as I feared - tight, money oriented and miserly. The clincher was a homeless man asking him for spare vchange to which he lied ' I'm on card mate' whilst winking at me that he'd cleverly avoided giving some of his loose change! Yuk. Instant ick - not only a tight bastard with an uncharitable attitude but a liar to boot.

And I notice you didn't read my actual post? You have a stereotyped caricature of the Middle East. I would say the reality is a bit closer to (albeit not totally like) YOUR version of the "middle ground", which is not my thing but clearly appeals to many women here.

There's no right or wrong answer but I would

I couldn't care less about who pays but yes it's weird to just order your coffee before your date has even arrived.

If it was a restaurant you wouldn't sit and order your food and then eat it before your date arrived! The whole point of meeting is presumably to get to know each other so the two of you queuing and ordering separately while the other sits down, finishing their coffee before the other's even been served just makes the whole thing a bit pointless. If OP was running late then fair enough but if she was on time then just wait outside for her/save a seat and then both get your coffees at the same time!

Posted too soon.
I would have wanted him to have gone and got one but only because my dh would and if I was ever dating again I'd feel I was downgrading if someone didn't treat me as well as dh.
In that situation I'd probably go home and make myself a coffee.

A restaurant is different because you (often anyway) book a table, so you've got a guaranteed one. In a cafe I'd appreciate it if my date, on arriving before me, bagged a table.

I agree, and you can't just sit hogging a cafe table without a coffee so it made sense he got one.
I do think he should have offered to get you one when you arrived though OP. It's just good manners.

Ahhhhhh, this is a good one.
We get Wisdom from the preceeding generation.
I'm asked my mother this question and she was in no doubt. (...rest her soul)
If theres a party of friends all ensconsed in a pub,...Another member arrives in the door. = SOMEONE IN the group stands to welcome him and goes to the Bar to get Him a Drink.....Surely Theis Is a similar situation.
Quite honestly some people have no chivalry or manners. DUMP HIM. In fact SAY !!!! There and then!!!!!! YOU HAVE NO MANNERS!!!!!
............I was once walking along dragging a suitcase AND appriaching a narrow bridge. There was a guy approaching the other side ; he Forced me into the road and claimed the footpath. As we passed by each other he looked at me and spoke: " DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO THE RAILWAY STATION ??"
I replied: " I DO, BUT IM NOT TELLING YOU BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME INTO THE ROAD AND YOU HAVE NO MANNERS!"

I'm old but I'd have expected if I was invited out for a coffee to be bought a coffee. If I invite someone out for coffee I buy them a coffee.

It would have gentlemanly to offer and it might have scored him a couple of points ( all for £3) which I thought any man would be hoping to do

If I were a man trying to make a good impression on a date, I would have at least offered or more likely insisted, it was only a few pounds

I think if you're accepting of someone not buying you a drink on a first date, then you're setting your bar way too low. It's a coffee fgs not a Michelin star meal! The very young and very naive me would have overlooked bad manners and told myself that this was equality and the modern way, but in reality I was setting myself up not to expect anything more and to be treated poorly.

He was rude. If I'd suggested to a female friend that we meet for coffee, I'd be offering to go the counter to get it for both of us. Although with any of my friends it would be a case of both of us saying 'No, I'll get it. No, you sit down let me' etc. It's just standard manners when it's something as insignificant as a cup of coffee. Plus there's a slight feeling that the person who has arrived first is 'hosting' and normally jumps up to get the newcomer's order while they get settled.

where is this rule published, only a few of you know it apparently,