Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

If I go for a coffee with someone, regardless of who it is or their gender, if I arrive first I’ll call/message and ask what they want so I can order and pay for it before they arrive.
I don’t expect anyone else to do this but I would probably find it odd if a date was sat with a coffee when I got there and hadn’t bothered to order mine at the same time. I wouldn’t judge a friend in this situation though.

Surely the immediate indidicator of whether he will be a worthy,.chivalrous gentleman is if he either charges up on his white steed or if he spreads his cloak for fair maiden to traverse over to enter the coffee place? 🐎🎠

Depended how early the arrive.

If I am 15 mins early then I'd not order coffee for another as it would be cold by time they arrived.

Or of course they bay not turn up! Had a few of those in my dating time!

Exactly! It’s kind of rude not to and when you’re on a date, don’t you want to show your best self? It would put me off massively. I like kind, generous people. Im the same and don’t want to be a giver with someone who’s a taker. My husband and I would always get one for each other.

In that case, the second she arrived I’d say ‘sorry I was a bit early so already got one but let me go up and get you one now!’

and she might say ‘oh that’s ok’ but at least the thought and gesture are there.

Tbh women tend to be givers and do more work than men so you’d want the man to start off trying to be decent.

Oh yeah, your dodged a bit of a bullet. That stuff only gets worse.not the spark as that can grow and sparks don’t tend to result in long term relationships, but the fact he wasn’t even bothered enough to offer you another or put in effort. You want a decent guy who at least offers you another!

How can you say you’re the same when in the same breath complaining you don’t get free stuff?

When I was online dating most of the men offered to pay. And I appreciated it as for me it's not about being equal or about money.

I find generosity attractive and tightfistedness extremely unattractive. I'll always pay for myself and will happily offer to pay for my date too, and would expect the same from them. Anyone who nickels and dimes or who seems pleased to have come out ahead is in the bin.

If she sits on her hands that’s an indicator too…

It's a £3 coffee.

Quite. It's not that deep.

Decent men pay
is that what you’re saying?

I’m a bit old fashioned with dating, so I would want him to get me a coffee too.

But I can’t really argue with the equality / double standard responses on here. I just… don’t like it personally.

Kudos for actually owning it. Agreeing it’s a double standard but saying, it’s just how I feel.

Yes I would, actually. Many other things are expected since I am a woman.
And no, I would not bother.

Sorry, meant to say I would absolutely expect him to get me a coffee.

If you are looking for a man with traditional gentlemanly values you are not being unreasonable.

When I met my now DH for the first time I offered to pay half and he refused, given that my ex prior wouldn’t have given me the dead skin off his feet unless there was something in it for him (interestingly did pay in our first date, but told all his friends he was disappointed to have to), so my now DH behaviour really meant something to me, as silly as that may sound to others.

As much as I am a very independent woman, this behaviour from my DH transpired to set the whole tone of our relationship from the outset, he’s the most loving, giving, gentleman of a man I have ever had the pleasure of loving and always puts me first.

So, no, OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable by my own experiences. You get what you accept I have learned.

The same could be said of you though, couldn't it? Can't afford an extra coffee? - or even your own? You shouldn't be dating...

It's the 'princess effect' and it does women no favours. It makes some women very stupid indeed. We have equality now, first dates do not require women 'being paid for', they're not cattle at a market to be 'bought' by a man, we can buy things for ourselves and not have the obligation.

A woman interested in equality wouldn't be impressed with having a coffee bought for her - nor distressed if she bought her own, because she would see the transaction for what it is. A simple first date coffee where common sense beats simpering/sulking any day.

My post was to NapTrappedMummy

Do you sit together for more than one coffee? Maybe he will offer to buy you "another one and something sweet to go with it" if the date goes well?

We have equality now

No we don't. And most men who bleat about equality only care when it's in their favour

Rather like the women on this thread who only want equality when it's in their favour.

Dunno it’s a tough one. My husbands and I first date I bought the first round of drinks - he’d travelled and paid for public transport to meet me. No guarantee we’d have a second of third drink but I felt this was the right thing to do. We have four drinks and bought 2 each so was fair in the end.
I’ve been in positions where people are overly generous or overly right. Can’t say it made a difference as to the outcome of the relationship.
I think you just didn’t like him enough to see past this picky moment.

Are you a MRA by any chance? Isn’t that their tagline?