Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

Yep. We won’t ever be fully equal, all we’ve achieved so far is equalising things that aren’t in our favour then acting pleased as punch about it

It's rude. In general, it costs more for women to go on dates because expectations on how we present ourselves are higher (cost of make up, clothes etc), as well as, the additional time those expectations require.

No I'd get my own and ask him if he wanted another. That's equality for you.

This is such an embarrassing thing to say!

The only person putting expectations on you to wear make up is you. Men buy clothes too. Men shower and get ready too. If you have an elaborate make up regime that's your choice.

It take no time at all to put on a bit of tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip gloss. I don't think that extra 5 mins if that means men should pay for me!

Because you want someone who is also a giver…. Because you both have the same values. It’s the principle.

Regardless of theoretical ideas of equality, a nice, decent, normal guy who isn't a tightwad would:

1. Wait for you to arrive before getting a coffee; and
2. Want to show he's keen by picking up the tab.

Experience bears this out.

Not my experience.

I've met plenty of nice, decent, normal men who aren't tight but who also didn't pay for me during a first date. Including my husband.

It’s really rude! Although he may not have done it on purpose

But some of the replies on here suggest that it’s a wider issue in society.
Has everyone lost basic social skills and good manners?

Friend, date, family it should make little difference.
Surely you can delay the urge for instant gratification and just wait for the other person to arrive and order together?
Otherwise send a text to ask what they want so that it’s ready waiting, when they arrive.
How rude to invite someone out for a coffee to then start without them and no attempt to order for them!

In a date situation I would say as he invited you it would be polite to offer to order your coffee.
And it would be polite for you to get the next round. Or at least offer to.
I’m not sure how people are trying to turn this into an equality situation?!

Everyone has different standards. Maybe they didn’t see any better growing up and are totally oblivious to some social norms.
This behaviour doesn’t mean that they are a bad person but it’s clearly behaviour that doesn’t sit well with you.
You're free to make the decision for what type of person you want in your life.

Well we're continually striving for it, keep saying that we want it... and then some of us set it back 50 years or so.

My daughter is being raised to earn her own money and pay for herself, be beholden to nobody.

I really do not understand women who want to be paid for (outside a relationship where it's agreed/established), it has no place in this time, not if we really do want to see equality happen.

To be honest, Dutypaid, if women need that amount of upkeep just to look decent then that's their problem to resolve. I think it's a fallacy anyway, just to keep the 'princess' nonsense going.

If he has asked you to go for coffee he should pay. It is actually a really good thing that he doesn't offer you a coffee or go and get it for you as he has shown he has no manners, so you can strike him off.

It doesn’t bode well does it. Even if I meet a friend for a coffee, if I’m first I’d text and ask if they want me to order them something. Same for them with me. This type of purposeful stingy, selfishness is very unattractive.

We won’t be equal with shit like is being posted on here is seen as acceptable by some. It’s beyond shameful.

I want him to pay as I want to see if he will let me be a sahm or go part time and pay for it. I mean fuck me. It’s a stranger. Comments like that say we have went back decades. Women baying to be housewives and paid for. From the get go.

no we will never be equal when some women have absolutely no desire to be and wish to model a 50s house wife and have their hand out for a 3 quid coffee as a sign they get to be a housewife if they choose.

As I am absolutely sure he did her. Prob why he didn’t get to his feet.

Oh yes men just love hairy legs, hair full of greys and split ends, no make up, and wearing leggings with holes in them...they cannot ask for a second date quick enough if you rock up like that

No he wasn't being rude. He arrived first and found a table, he can't just sit there without ordering anything! You arrive, you buy yours. If you both arrived together maybe one of you could have bought both and the other person reciprocate by buying another couple coffees later.

Let's keep it fair.

There's really no middle ground with you, is there? Would you go out like that? I wouldn't, date or no date. That's the point I'm making. Women groom themselves generally - or they don't.

I wouldn't be able to turn up to a work meeting described as you have - and nor would I want to. I don't need to make a special effort to meet a man because I'm already clean and groomed - free of charge.

Don't be so ridiculous.

You seem to think being a housewife/mother is some sort of terrible thing that shouldn't be allowed.

I am equal to my husband and he also thinks I am equal to him...whether or not I bring a wage into the household is irrelevant to us both.

If I got there first and ordered myself a drink (can’t really sit there without a drink), then I would likely ask him if he wants one as soon as he walked in.

I would expect him to say no it’s fine, he’ll go and get his own - which it sounds like you wouldn’t do this.

It wouldn’t bother me though if he said yes he wanted one and I went up and bought him one.

I do think you’re overthinking this.

There are red flags that you shouldn’t overlook but no one is perfect and first dates nerves often have a lot to answer for.

I’ve read posts on here where buying a women a drink is seen as sexist and do perhaps he was treading lightly.

I’m sure there were things about you he found off putting too (like being late) but I don’t think it’s fair to judge you on them.

I completely agree.

Unpopular opinion or not I don't care I'm with you OP!

YABU. If I arrived last, I'd say 'I'm getting a coffee, do you want another?' and go and get them. I don't think it’s weird or rude for him to have arrived and ordered his own coffee already either – I'd be grateful that he'd found and staked out a table.

This depends on whether you have met before. If this was the first date from a meeting online, then I think this is best - allows both people to buy their own drink, be beholden to no one, and if after one drink you’re not interested, then no awkwardness and everyone goes home feeling equal. If this was a first meeting after connecting online I would PREFER this and actually he done you a favour by getting his own first and no need for awkward conversation. If however you had met in person before then I would expect him to wait until you got there and offer to pay.

I swoon over lots of trashy romance chick lit, but tbh nothing about the man paying and ordering for me just because he's a man really appeals to me?

Historically, the reason men ordered and paid were because: 1) Women weren't allowed order or be seen/heard 2) Women had no money.

I don't really feel like I'm poorer or less worthy to be heard than most men. And also you need to give to get – I know this is a small example, but if you want the man coddling you over such silly matters, surely to SOME extent you still need to obey him like a good little woman who knows her place? Which really doesn't appeal to me!

Whereas like if a guy lifts something heavy for me because he has more physical strength that makes sense (in general gender terms – I know there are a minority of women stronger than men) and is attractive to me lol