Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

That’s a completely irrelevant comparison.

This is a FIRST DATE. It’s figuring out if it’s even worth going on more dates at all. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with paying for your own children.

It is absolutely fine for men not to want to financially support a woman. Child maintenance is not financially supporting a woman; it’s financially supporting your children who are obviously and necessarily your financial dependents.

From the responses on this thread I can see why men would choose to be careful about not setting a ‘he pays for me’ precedent. Lots of women are explicitly looking for a man to pay for them. And it’s absolutely fine for men to want to weed those women out early in dating. lots of women are not looking for a man to pay. And everyone in dating is looking to weed out the people who simply aren’t compatible or what they want.

Out of interest, do you think a man should financially support his partner if she has a child and they agree she takes maternity beyond full SMP?

Edited to add: not that I'm sure paying for a coffee proves that either way. Lots of MRA sympathises are smart enough to arrange a cheap date and pay in order to mask very early on in their relationships.

Why are folks pretending that if a man buys a coffeee it indicates he will fund fhe woman several years down the line. That is an utterly ludicrous assumption.

@Getthethrowonthesofa I agree its by no means a great/failsafe method. BUT, i would say it was an indicator.

How is that relevant?

Obviously, if people choose to have children together then the maternity leave simply has an effect on the household income.

I’m not sure what you mean by ‘beyond full SMP’. SMP is a pittance (after 6 weeks) and drops to zero at the end. Choosing to have a baby together should mean agreeing how to handle that and both being happy about that choice.

Or do you mean being a SAHM beyond the mat leave period? Again, the word agreed matters. If they’ve agreed this is what should happen, obviously people are able to agree to that. If they don’t agree, then it’s a different issue. Men don’t have to agree to support a SAHM (but they need to share the childcare costs and do their fair share of everything). Just as women don’t have to become SAHM because their husband wants them to be.

But this thread is about a first date. Nothing to do with how you agree to share finances for maternity leave or beyond.

No, but if he sits on his hands on the very first date then it's a pretty good sign he's tight with his money.

No it’s not. 😂😂😂 at that point he is a stranger, as are you. You don’t know if you will even like each other, never mind get married, have babies, and he pays for you. How much he earns or even if he wants or can have kids, plus I guarantee loads of people posting on here past the stage of having kids,

spending 3 quid on a coffee is in no shape nor form an indicator if they will pay for you to stay home. How bloody grabby.

You see I think that is their problem for being in indiscriminate. And the cost of a coffee is what? Less than £5?

I think it's rude of you to expect other people to pay for you!

Is she a tight wad if she sits in her hands?

Is she a gold digger if she’s determined he must pay for her?

If women are making your assumption about men on a first date, it’s probably just as (un)reasonable that men are making the above assumptions.

women on this thread are pretty clear they’re using this as a test to see if he’ll financially support a SAHM. Since people’s first date expectations set the coffee stakes that way, it’s not surprising if some men are making a point of not buying a coffee.

It’s a first date. Buy yourself a coffee and have a chat with this person you don’t know.

People on this thread are treating having a cup of coffee together as pretty much strangers as a symbol of having a baby together.

It’s bonkers.

And lots of women go on dates. What you saying, you think every one should be the one?

No wonder they are single, if they walk in, meet a stranger, get their hand out wanting to be paid for, and are eyeing them up for marriage, babies and paying for their lifestyle choices.

can’t even beleive what I’m reading.

Right?! Bizarre logic.

To be fair, I understand the logic even if I don't agree with it.

If a man pays for a coffee because he's the man and believes that's what he should do on a first date then it's a sign that he's probably old fashioned which almost always translates to other things such as when things get more serious like funding a SAHM.

I used to watch out for it for the opposite reason, if a man insisted on paying for a coffee/meal then I could end the date and know without a doubt that he wasn't for me.

I think if you’ve set up a coffee date, getting there early and buying your own and then not offering to get the other person’s is gauche. I wouldn’t want to date someone who either couldn’t afford an extra coffee, was mean enough to avoid buying me one or was incapable of smoothly navigating a social situation, as any of those would mean we wouldn’t have compatible lifestyles. I’d expect them to have the same basic requirements in a potential date.

What a lot of people don't understand is it's actually nothing to do with money. Unless you're a really good gold digger and going after billionaires....most women actually couldn't care less about getting a free meal or drink. I doubt the op would have skipped out of there thinking, yes I got a free Americano...winning! It's actually about what it represents. Women generally prefer men with a bit of charm, who treat them like their slightly special, who appear like they want to impress them, who come across like they're grateful to spend time with you, who come across as strong and self assured. Some chump sitting there with a coffee already is not that...

I suppose it's the difference between someone who treats you like a potential friend than someone you have to be suspicious of.

Yes same.

It gives me a few minutes post arrival and first hello to take a breath and thibk if I fancy him.

If he had arrived mega early and as finishing his beer /coffee then I'd accept him going up to buy us both a drink.

Else if he had just started I'd go and get my own.

First internet dates are just meets really. Not really a proper first date as you have no idea of you fancy each other or not.

So do what feels natural in the moment. Sometimes with friends I'd get them a coffee if I have one, other times I'd let them get their own as they arrived.

People in debt aren't allowed to date?

All of this! It's not about the free coffee, it's about his attitude and lack of thought and manners.

I suspect many men would say that a woman who views a coffee in this way is a bad sign.

The weird double standards (steeped in the crappiest bits of patriarchy) in which a man has to show how much he values spending time with you by spending money on you, but the woman just needs to graciously receive are so depressing.

There is a difference between being tight and it simply being a ‘we don’t know each other; we’ll get our own drinks’ situation.

@Getthethrowonthesofa

I mean what @SouthLondonMum22 has said in the middle paragraph of her quoted post above.

Coffee dates are like the initial screening call with a recruiter. They’re low stakes and people choose the coffee scenario because it’s cheap and quick.

That said, I’d expect to split the bill on a proper date. Or alternate in a situation where it’s clear there will be multiple dates. As a PP said, I’d be wary of a man who insisted on paying for me. I am - for lots of reasons - absolutely not looking for someone who wants to be ‘the provider’.

@JacksonLambsEatIvy for me, it's not about finding a man who is just absolutely itching to be 'the provider' either (there would be red flags there)

More that I don't want him to be averse to the idea and so, I think a coffee is not much to ask.

Just like if a man is finding himself constantly paying for dates, I'd say the woman is exhibiting some red flags too.

On balance - because I want a man who is not averse to being the provider while children are small - the "coffee test" (for want of a better phrase) isn't a bad one.