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Original poster

Should I let my DD have a day off school if she is tired?

201 replies

chickensandbees · 09/02/2024 08:42

I rarely have time off work and am strict on school attendance with my DDs, DD1 is 15 and has probably had 10days off in her whole time at school, DD2 is 12 and has only had 1 day off. I'm fortunate they are rarely ill apart from coughs/colds which I would usually send them in with.

DD1 has an afterschool activity last night and one of the other children said her parents aren't sending her in today because she will be tired. DD asked if she still had to go in as her friend and a few others weren't planning to. I know she is tired and has a cold but I still sent her in and said if you're still not feeling well at breaktime get the school to call me and I'll come and get you. My reasoning is she may feel better when she is actually there with her other friends.

I feel like I am the bad parent for sending her in, but equally I feel school (and work) isn't optional and if I start saying yes to this, when do I say no?

Advice welcome.

OP posts:
Floatinginvacherin · 09/02/2024 21:01

NewOrder · 09/02/2024 19:22

Yes. As long as you don’t take the piss and I don’t have anything time sensitive that day, my boss has no issue with me booking last minute leave on account of being tired.

we are also allowed two duvet days a year, and two days a year we are officially allowed to be crap at our job on the account of a late night.

we have high morale and low turnover.

my advice is not to work for shit employers.

Edited
Show quote history

Booking leave is different to taking a sick day though isn’t it? It’s up to you as an adult to manage your leave allowance and as long as last minute leave works for your organisation then go for it. Not coming in because you’re tired and taking it as a sick day is a bit different as for a lot of people that just easily slides into piss taking .

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/02/2024 21:47

Tired due to one late night she should go to school. Absolutely exhausted due to being run down/ ill etc then day off is ok.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2024 21:56

You definitely did the right thing.

Parents shouldn't be teaching their kids to be flaky. If a child is ill, then of course they should stay home and rest, but a bit tired after an extracurricular activity the previous night? No, you just grit your teeth and get on with it.

My dd used to do an activity which sometimes involved some very late nights. One of her friends would always have the day off afterwards, but thankfully dd never wanted to... she clearly didn't approve of the flakiness! She always went into school as usual and she was absolutely fine!

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GreyRockChick · 09/02/2024 22:03

Of course you've done the right thing! Christ, if I took the day off work every time I felt tired I'd never be in!

viques · 09/02/2024 22:06

CringeQueen · 09/02/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t have sent mine in exhausted and unwell, no. She’s old enough to stay home on her own, why would you need to take time off work? You’re sending her the message that work/school is more important than taking care of herself and her health.

She doesn’t have bubonic plague and hasn’t worked a night shift in a salt mine.

She has a cold and is a bit tired.

OP you did the right thing.

AnonoMisss · 09/02/2024 22:34

CringeQueen · 09/02/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t have sent mine in exhausted and unwell, no. She’s old enough to stay home on her own, why would you need to take time off work? You’re sending her the message that work/school is more important than taking care of herself and her health.

This is why we have burn out culture today. If she was just tired that is different but tired and a cold then I would have let her.

IloveAslan · 09/02/2024 23:02

CringeQueen · 09/02/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t have sent mine in exhausted and unwell, no. She’s old enough to stay home on her own, why would you need to take time off work? You’re sending her the message that work/school is more important than taking care of herself and her health.

I agree that taking care of yourself and your health is more important than work/school - but really, tired and with a cold??? The fact that OP's DD hadn't thought about having time off until her friends mentioned it shows that she wasn't feeling that bad.

Believe me, people who take time off work for every little thing, often leaving others to pick up the slack, are not popular or respected - and you are setting your children up to be that person.

Unless your DD's after school activity had her up all night then I believe you did the right thing OP.

stichguru · 09/02/2024 23:06

Are you worried about her? That is my question. If it's one late night and she's rather tired, it's normal to be rather tired from a late night and she'll cope with being in. Send her. If you think she is abnormally tired given it was just one late night, let her have the day off and watch to see if it is a pattern of getting overly tired for odd late nights. This might indicate the start of an illness.

SophieinParis · 10/02/2024 00:05

CringeQueen · 09/02/2024 08:45

I wouldn’t have sent mine in exhausted and unwell, no. She’s old enough to stay home on her own, why would you need to take time off work? You’re sending her the message that work/school is more important than taking care of herself and her health.

I think most jobs worth doing involve going when you are tired and have a cold. For example, what if your dc ends up a surgeon? Or a judge? Or a teacher? Surely you don’t want her to think that if you are tired and have a cold you can just shirk
your responsibilities! As a grown up with a busy life and job, most of us feel tired a fair amount. And colds are part and parcel of normal life. You have to learn to function normally despite these setbacks!

GirlsAndPenguins · 10/02/2024 06:23

15, GCSE year? She’d be going in!
It’s nearly 1/2 term she will get a rest soon. She could miss something important at that age even from missing just one day!

PersephonePomegranate · 10/02/2024 06:30

I would have done exactly the same. With mild illness (like a cold), I'd always expect them to try with a view that they can come home if they can't manage or feel worse.

I do the same thing when I'm feeling rough. Often, once you're out and in the swing of things, you perk up.

LlynTegid · 10/02/2024 06:43

Good on you OP, and make sure any such requests are refused in future. Please don't fall for the 'everyone else is doing it', which is a lie in 99% of cases.

JDJT · 10/02/2024 06:51

I'd say send her. At my workplace you can tell how attitudes have changed, for the worse, with attendance. It makes me sound old (I'm early 30s) but the 20-somethings are always absent. The older generation seem to come in when they're ill or tired, unless they are on their deathbed.

AbsentCause · 10/02/2024 07:02

My dd also had late nights (hobby related) and was very tired this week. I sent her in with a cuddle, a coffee and reassurance that nobody ever died from feeling tired. And a reminder that she can sleep lots at half term.

Noicant · 10/02/2024 07:08

I would send my Dd in and just get an early night the next day. Life is full of days when you are tired or a bit under the weather and you crack on and then rest when it’s practical.

It builds resilience. It’s not just about grades, someone can be a academically excellent and then not understand that in adult life you are expected to be present and accounted for. Kids who develop that ethic early are more likely to be able to manage later on.

namechangealerttt · 10/02/2024 07:19

In the past I would have agreed, and said suck it up, when you're an adult you can't not go to work for that.

Now I am a bit older my opinion has changed somewhat. The education system is trainings to be good employees. And I have put companies and corporations I have worked for ahead of my health and wellbeing on too many occasions. For what? So the rich get richer? I still do my job to the best of my ability, but i also allow myself more compassion. On Friday I had some cramps and felt nauseous. I thought it was likely going to pass. I was working from home but still called in sick. It did pass and I stayed off work because I took it as a sign to rest anyway. And didn't feel guilty.

As women especially, we need to learn how to prioritise our health and wellbeing. No one else is going to do it for us. I am over 'soldiering on' for others gain and to my own detriment.

Tiredmama53 · 10/02/2024 07:20

chickensandbees · 09/02/2024 08:42

I rarely have time off work and am strict on school attendance with my DDs, DD1 is 15 and has probably had 10days off in her whole time at school, DD2 is 12 and has only had 1 day off. I'm fortunate they are rarely ill apart from coughs/colds which I would usually send them in with.

DD1 has an afterschool activity last night and one of the other children said her parents aren't sending her in today because she will be tired. DD asked if she still had to go in as her friend and a few others weren't planning to. I know she is tired and has a cold but I still sent her in and said if you're still not feeling well at breaktime get the school to call me and I'll come and get you. My reasoning is she may feel better when she is actually there with her other friends.

I feel like I am the bad parent for sending her in, but equally I feel school (and work) isn't optional and if I start saying yes to this, when do I say no?

Advice welcome.

Personally I feel that this is how we end up with employees who go into work nearly dying to make a profit for a bunch of people who don't care about them and would never pay the favor back. She should always be looking out for her own health and wellbeing because nobody else will be. She's 15 and old enough in my opinion to know her own body and judge if she needs a day of rest or not. In the real world we get sick day entitlement. Also it would surely be better for you for her to have the whole day off rather than have to leave work to pick her up, at 15 I'm assuming you'd leave her on her own rather than stay.

Jllllllll · 10/02/2024 08:13

Sadly post covid school has become ‘optional’ for lots of children and attendance figures are very poor. I think you did the right thing and I would have done the same with my children. The option is there to come home at break if necessary and it’s half term next week so she can rest up then. Good work ethic sadly doesn’t really exist with lots of teens now as they’re allowed to just opt out if they choose to.

Katiebaby3009 · 10/02/2024 08:49

I don’t think the tiredness is the issue but you mention she has a cold so it really depends how bad that is and how she feels.

Pssspsss · 10/02/2024 10:08

I think it’s right to send her in…. If she was ill then keep her off but not for tiredness.

Don’t feel mean @chickensandbees - I kept my daughter off on Monday as she’d been complaining all weekend of feeling unwell and her dad and his colleagues also had Lurgy (suspected covid) but I made her do maths SATs papers at home 😂

EndorsingPRActice · 10/02/2024 10:15

At 15 she needs to go to school. If she was a lot younger, keep activities early and stop them if they impact on tiredness levels too much. But she’s 15 and I think teens need to know that life goes on even after a late evening, it’s good to build up your stamina for things like this, after all she’ll be working full time in a few years and being tired is unlikely to be acceptable to future employers.

Volpini · 10/02/2024 10:19

You totally did the right thing. My eldest child has also had very few absences in her school career. Her secondary school do have school concerts that run late once a term (finish around 930, so we get home around 10.15.)
The concerts involve about 130 kids, so that would be an awful lot of next day absence and I’m pretty sure the school would have sth to say/ stop doing the concerts if absence was normalised..!!! The problem here is not your expectations but the flakey parents of your child’s friends! You are right to set the tone that commitments and school are not optional. Actual illness is different and can’t be helped, but flaking out because you are tired is non negotiable especially just before half term.

Exasperado · 10/02/2024 13:53

celticprincess · 09/02/2024 11:40

We e had a tiring week with after school activities but kids have gone to school and I’ve gone to work. Life goes on. We have another week still before half term but weeks are on for catching up on rest. Mine usually has an activity 10-2 tomorrow but they’re doing in 11:45 onwards as they have to stay later (2 dram and show day for 2 shows) so we get an unexpected lie in tomorrow and then the usual Sunday lie in.

My autistic teen is always tired. She would also waste the entire week away on bed if she wasn’t made to get up and go to school or bad activities she enjoys. Many of her friends seem to go to bed really late anyway, much later than the time we got in the other night.

Just to point out, for many autistic people it isn't "wasting in bed"... Its needing the quiet time to regulate yourself and recover. The school environment and socialising is so much harder for autistic people. It's literally physically exhausting. That quiet time to rest and regulate can help prevent autistic burnout. There is a fine line between encouraging socialisation and pushing yourself too hard and making yourself ill. Also, hypermobility and ehlers danlos syndrome go hand in hand with autism a lot of the time. That is something that is often invisible but can cause chronic fatigue. I went undiagnosed with both and when I was 15 hit a massive burnout that took me out of school permenantly. I was 38 before I got a consultant who was also autistic and had eds, and she diagnosed eds in me... what people had no doubt seen as lazy and a bit precious all my life. Most of my joints are now worn and f*** because it wasn't recognised and I didn't know how to care for myself and protect my joints. Years of pushing through fatigue and pain to please society has physically damaged my joints and caused chronic fatigue.... Pacing is important to people like me. Not to mention the effects on my mh. My own teens have now got the same diagnoses and I'm a lot more empathetic as a result in the hope they won't grow up feeling how I did, physically and mentally. I make sure they know it is important to pace themselves, and not to push through fatigue constantly so that they don't end up in autistic burnout or with chronic fatigue. They were good at it until high school. But the constant push about 100% attendance undid all my good work, and wanting to look good to teachers and get the rewards led to my oldest lying about illness until they collapsed and we are now only at 65% attendance this year because they are now under the care of a chronic fatigue nurse and are not allowed in full time for their own sake. They pushed their system so far that they are now 10x worse than they would have been for just taking off a couple of days to rest with that fever they hid in order to get that 100% certificate. Their mental health and their grades have hit rock bottom now as a result. It's heartbreaking to hear her say I wish I had listened.
Not saying it's the same for your daughter, but just pointing it out as someone who didn't recognise it, grew up undiagnosed and so therefore unsupported, and who has seen first hand the importance of recognising it. Autism and school is in itself exhausting and rest is important. I'm not saying you don't recognise that or build in rest , but just putting it out there for those who don't. It could save their child from ending up the same.

CutsOffs · 10/02/2024 16:55

@Exasperado Well said. 👏

VerbenaGirl · 10/02/2024 17:36

No. All part of life learning. Plus an opportunity to teach her how lovely early nights are following a late night.