The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Hi Everyone - Sorry I’ve not been around, it’s been a little rubbish over here. @ImAlwaysknackered it’s such a weird feeling isn’t it when we knew anyway but we finally have our feeling validated. Have you been offered any further support since?

How is everyone else doing?

We’ve had a horrific week. DS wanted to try going in on Monday, and made it fine, went in Tuesday and came home in bits. We’ve taken him to the GP who is disgusted school is not doing more, says she suspects he is in burnout, and has referred to CAHMS. I have NO idea where to go from here. I’ve been in touch with school (email, as it’s impossible to speak to anyone there) and asked them to get in touch with the LA autism team as a matter of urgency, look at safeguarding and send me his SEND plan (which I still haven’t had) On top of all this, I work full time and it’s the busiest time of year at my place. Work are VERY understanding but I have guilt that I’m pulled in so many different directions at the moment….

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum I"m exhausted even without any job at all so I don't know how you do it. What's happened on the bullying front - any practical changes to help him feel safer? The idea of him just being expected to keep dragging himself back in to face those kids again is awful.

DS has dropped another GCSE subject. A shame but the right decision. We have a plan coming together for 6th form but funding battles await.

@Piony there has been absolutely nothing from school. They literally just come back to me saying "I'm copying such and such in" without responding to what I'm saying. Its email pass the buck.

It feels like a shame to drop a subject but maybe that's just the perceived loss of it. If it's not working for them, it's no loss to drop it really. Be interested to hear about your 6th form plans

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum the gp sounds great, sorry you're going through that though, maybe the GP can support? I don't think ours would have any idea what burnout is..

We saw the £££ private consultant yesterday... confirmed diagnosis of HSD, said not enough evidence for Ehlers-danlos but basically the same. Talked about some strategies, physio, exercise, hydration, electrolytes...report in a couple of weeks hopefully. Will hope it's enough to get us some help but also for DD, she knows now and although she seemed worse today, hopefully she'll feel like she has a name for what she's feeling. It's lifelong and very very sad too though as she's got to start looking after herself but she's not in a place where she can, not yet. Even drinking enough water (he suggested 3L a day! ) will be very difficult for her, I'd find it hard.

Confirmed too that ADHD, autism and anxiety are all liked with it.

DD managed ok most of the trip up and home but was exhausted afterwards, she's been in bed all day, barely moved, she's eaten at least. On her phone or watching netflix all day. The tube was busy and the train home took. She wore headphones all day pretty much, her coping mechanism.

My headteacher has agreed on extra afternoon a week off for me, only an hour and 40 mins less but means I can be home by 1pm one week, 2pm the next as I have a two week timetable so around my teaching. Better than 4 or 5pm getting home but I will have to then work at home more..means there's more scope for meetings or HE if I decide to.

I'll have to stay on certain days when there's important things booked in but it's better than nothing. He's very supportive but I totally get the guilt @QuitChewingMyPlectrum , it's massive for me as I feel I have do many people, children and adults, relying on me and I don't like asking for help.

School have asked DD for a virtual meeting for safeguarding next week, Monday, I'm at work and she probably won't do it, I'll have to ask for a different day.

I think I need to be able to give school and the LA something to explain I think she's in burnout, but I've no idea how, not when she won't talk to anyone about things like that. Weirdly with the consultant she was fine, medical physical stuff, but feelings etc...shuts down. He said about anxiety and asked about her scars from self harm, in quite a matter of fact way (scarring is part of the criteria) and she just shut down.

Next week I'll get back onto the LA, deal with school and update them, and then I think once I'm done with work I need to shut off from it all...aim is over the holiday to get DD to start drinking more water and take the supplements I've bought her. Plus of course just enjoy Christmas as much as she is able to.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, the relief of waking up and not having to think 'they should be at school!

@Icantpeopleanymore My DS has HSD - electrolytes help but he's not great with the physio side of things.

Does she have much pain with it?
I'm glad your work are being somewhat flexible but even with that, things are bound to be tough for you. Sounds like you are managing really well though, although I bet it doesn't feel like it.

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum it's amazing how many people I speak to now that do, must be the circles I'm moving in 🤦
She gets a lot of pain, and fatigue. One day of a few hours of walking around, maybe two max, and she's done for the whole of the next day.
She's never done the physio, can't get her to. It's so frustrating.
She's up bright and early today though, seemingly happy, although I got the usual eye rolls and harrumphing under her breath at me when I dared to make a tea whilst the was making her breakfast... something to do with being watched/someone being around whilst she's doing something I think, she hates it.

Panel meeting today for EHCPNA...send non refusy thoughts!

I hope you hear soon. Most likely 5.30pm though, tbh!

Ha yes most likely, or tomorrow...

Had a rubbish start to the day, DD hitting me and shouting because I changed her guitar lesson time to try to make it fit in better for me and her brother and stop us getting home late yet another night.
She did not like it.

However, she did then reply to me via text saying she doesn't like change, which is a massive thing for her to admit.

Still am split between being proud of her for actually talking about something like that and being really angry at her for hitting me and being so bloody selfish!

Had a rant in the car on the way to work at no one and then repeated to myself...she can't help it...

If it's as I expect then the refusal to assess is going to be a kick in the teeth, but I guess I'll just have to take some time to plan the next steps and try to enjoy Christmas.

Good luck @Icantpeopleanymore really hope they agree!

How did it go @Icantpeopleanymore ?

We had a "safeguarding" visit today. 🙄

How did that go?!

we’ve had one safeguarding visit since April. We do have FSW though so I guess they can vouch that DD is not being abused and is “ok”

@ImAlwaysknackered
We had no notice and DS was confused. I was on a work call when they arrived so I was a bit peeved.
We've kept in constant contact and they're aware of his need to have home as his safe space. I get why they do these things but if they'd have called I'd have been able to let him know they were coming 🙄

Still not heard. Hopefully this morning.
At the hospital today, hoping they will refer DD on for chronic pain services, apart from that it's a formality.

We have a safeguarding meeting, online tomorrow, just hoping she does it, I really could do without them popping round.

Had a decision from the LA about section 19, apparently they can't offer anything unless we apply to their preferred provider, which DD won't attend. Will fill in the forms, will email to make it clear they are wasting time and are still not providing suitable education, then she probably won't go, and back to them again to ask for something else. The stress it's going to cause to have to ask her to help me with her views on it and then the inevitable interference when she can't go, is just making me feel so done.

I'm so angry. But I'll do the referral and then will go for them with all my energy after the holiday. Need time to regroup and find out what my next steps are.

At least DD is happier today, she's chatty with me which is an improvement on trying to punch me in the face...

@Icantpeopleanymore next steps to enforce a suitable full-time education would be a pre-action letter.

Hi @SearchingForSolitude yes I thought so. More money I don't have at the moment but I'll look into it. Just got refusal to assess, reason is that the school didn't send any supporting information, didn't respond to the LA. I've just phoned the heads PA and said I want a meeting.
I know the LA have refused it unlawfully as she meets the requirements with that I sent, provision plan and information about absence and diagnosis letter. they're asking for everything school have done and tried, but I'm just so angry that they have just not bothered.

DD has talked fairly openly about a mentor or something and therapy dogs today, plus hasn't said absolutely no to the medical needs school, so that's something.

Why is this all so hard?! I'm just exhausted and on the brink of tears today, I'm so tired of it all.

@Icantpeopleanymore SOSSEN’s waiting list for free pre-action letters for failure to provide s19 provision is closed at the minute. It will probably be next year before it reopens.

Thanks. Lots of demand then.

I had a frantic email and phone call from the deputy head. Made it clear I think they have a lot to learn in how they've supported her at school. Missed opportunities etc.

They are saying that the LA did not request any information from them. LA have responded with the text from an email sent but not when it was sent..I've asked them to send me the original request to the school.

Don't know what to think really. Still the same outcome, mediation next.

@Icantpeopleanymore you don’t have to actively partake in mediation if you don’t want to. You can just get the certificate and submit your appeal to SENDIST.

Think about SARs. Not only will it show whether the LA did contact the school, it can often provide evidence for your appeal.

I have considered that.

The caseworker phoned me and was lovely. She sent me the original email request she sent the school...7th November.

The school scrambled around and sweated for a couple of hours this afternoon before sending the caseworker the appendix 2..some gdps, so I can add another document with what I feel thru e missed.

She said she's going to register it as a clerical error and put it in front of a panel as soon as they start in the new year.

She was very sympathetic and said she's not going to let the school know this until Friday 'to make them sweat a few days'.

So no mediation yet, but no doubt in the new year.

I think I'll try to give myself a few days off from it all once I get to the end of this week. But I'll start again after Christmas.

Eurgh apparently DD15 school aren’t happy with the EP report. (It was super, my EP friend said it was brilliant too) I imagine they are probably a bit miffed as he recommended a LOT. Most of which they haven’t done before now.

We have an early help meeting tomorrow with the FSW and school. Dreading it as I feel like it’ll be awkward. 😬

@ImAlwaysknackered
I'm wishing you all the luck in the world for tomorrow. I really hope they see sense

That sounds like good news, although they should never have given you the refusal in the first place

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum yes, I sent enough evidence of her SEN, plus her provision plan, also stated she now can't attend, which I think should have been enough.

I'll have to go to mediation anyway but just annoyed at the delay.

@Icantpeopleanymore be careful not to fall into the trap of believing everything a seemingly nice caseworker tells you. And don’t let your right of appeal lapse even if the LA tell you they will take it back to panel.