Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

You what ? They will move one to the next one and the next. I doubt it is just you . People like that don’t change and don’t stop at one person. If it were me I would find an app for language learning or say on line gaming and find people in the virtual world for a bit.

Very hurtful and of course you know they are not real friends. Do your best to distance from them without causing a scene because you don't want it to turn into them bullying you.
At the end of the day getting through your course is priority. At 33 you can sit alone if you want to. You don't need people like that being mean.
If you can do anything to try and lose weight try it as well so you do feel better about yourself. If you can put on some good music or a podcast and step up the walking.
Don't let these mean girls get to you. Hold your head up and keep it up.x

Oh god, I am so sorry.

I had this a few times when I was younger too. The first was a time before mobiles, but I overheard them all laughing about me when I went to the loo.

The second time was one of those music shows on MTV where you text into request a song and put up a message (showing my age!), they put up a message saying put your arse crack away, your jeans are too small. They all found it hilarious.

People can be fucking nasty. It says so much about them that they are laughing behind your back that it will ever say about you. It usually stems from jealousy or their own insecurities. No matter how old people are, this bullshit continues with some. I’m mid 40s now, some idiots never grow up.

Pull away from them. join some social groups, find some new people to hang out with, or just concentrate on your studies alone. I was a mature student too, I just concentrated on the work to be honest.

I also agree with the poster above - this sort of mean shit has happened to a lot of us. So please don’t think it’s about you at all. It says so much more about them. You are now free to make new and better friends.

I'm so sorry.

This happened to me at uni, I heard my 'friends' in their room talking about how ugly and boring I am.

I developed anxiety shortly after this. I ended up transferring halls and then the year after that I actually commuted to uni because I lost all my confidence.

I don't want this to happen to you. Find the confidence to stick up for yourself, join new clubs, meet new people. These girls are NOT your friends, they are bullies and clearly insecure with themselves and feel the need to put other people down.

I hope you are okay x

If you were a thin girl and in that room would you be joining in? Or course not! They're horrible. Mean and unpleasant. You will meet other people. These are not your people. Even if I was a fricking supermodel I would not want to be around these monsters.
Weight means nothing! I'm so sorry you have been unlucky enough to meet these awful people.

I was reading an interview with Sir Anthony Hopkins he was saying keep out of the circle of toxicity it's ok to be a loner and enjoy your own company.

Gosh how horrible OP. I hate mean girls. Sadly, even at my mum's age (60+) there are plenty of them around and when they get together - even worse.
I am the same age as you and would find this hurtful. If they ask you what is wrong, just say 'I do not like the way you make horrible comments about my size in your private group - it's hurtful and not what friends do in my opinion'. Watch them squirm.

That's an awful experience. How would you handle that situation now? Would you do the same or different?

I totally agree with your post. I was never bullied when at school or university. However, having moved to a small village I can't believe the sheer mean spiritedness of some people. I'm talking 60s, 70s etc.

OP I always say people who are outwardly mean and spiteful can not possible be happy or content in themselves. They are projecting their own unhappiness and insecurities onto their victims.

Don't be a victim, walk away. They are not friends !

It says more about them than it does about you OP! When they ask you what's wrong, tell them they are nasty cows - with friends like those who needs enemies?!

At the end of the day getting through your course is the priority. At 33 you are big enough to do so without pals on it. You don't need people like that being mean in your life, and you can make other friends somewhere else. Fuck that noise.

They are not your friends and they are not laughing at you they are being out right nasty.

What you look like is literally the least interesting thing about you and commenting on aspects of people's appearance in a negative way is shallow and nasty.

I would phase people like this out my life as i would rather have no friends than friends like that. If you call them out, they'll likely only be embarrassed you caught them out and you'll always no they said it.

Do you have any hobbies or interests you can pursue to find more like minded people?

I don't think that response works with all bullies. They just double down and say they were only joking and that you are being sensitive. I genuinely think some people don't feel shame and always frame their behaviour in the best possible light.

I'm so sorry OP. This would really upset me too. Personally, I would tough out today and not give them the satisfaction of any reaction. Then in future, treat them as neutral acquaintances at all times, so be civil but keep them at arms length. They won't like you not caring about them but it gives you all the power. Pretend you don't care until you find that you actually don't.

If they think you are stuck up and that ends up being their new insult, you know you have really got under their skin with a classy response.

Block, ignore. Avoid them wherever possible. It's nothing to do with your size, it's about their spite.

You probably haven't found other friends because you're hanging out with these tossers. People on the "outside" of the group won't see the crappy dynamics going on within it and so they might think you're as nasty as the rest.

Start distancing yourself and you'll almost certainly create a vacancy for some decent people.

Oh, and fuck 'em in their collective ear, too.

This has shocked me. I guess I am stupidly naive, cannot imagine adults acting this way towards someone they know. I’m so sorry, sending you hugs. You can definitely find people who don’t care about your physical appearance and love you for who you are.

Oh god that's horrible. You might not be able to challenge them but - can you take back control? Make a decision right here right now that you're not going to talk to them again. They are not worth it. Leave. Blank them. Grey wall them.

Be in control.

I had the same with my friendship group at school, found out what they'd been saying and made the decision right there and right then that I would never talk to them ever again. I confronted them a few days later, they admitted it, and that was the last time I ever spoke to them. You're worth more than these idiots.

p.s. detatching yourselves from these dickheads will leave you free to find your REAL group of friends :)

Great advice.

And I agree with the 60+ being just as bad sometimes. It's a bit like that in my local WI!

OP, it's unbelievable that grown women would do such a thing. Just distance yourself and make the comment Mariposistaaa suggested if asked.

They will very very quickly turn on another group member once you've gone.

Definitely distance yourself, ot it'll eat you up. Focus on your coursework. These aren't your friends. A lot of us have had to learn this lesson. It's tough, I know.

I would go up and tell them that they are not school children any more and to grow up !

They are really nasty.
It's not you, it's them.
If you were slim they'd pick something else because that's who they are.

As hurt as you are right now, this is a good thing. You now know who you are dealing with and you can withdraw.

They are asking you what's wrong so tell them.

I saw your group chat about me. I don't think we have anything else to say to each other really.

Also, there are lots of clubs at uni. Join ones you're interested in. Not everyone is a twat. Most people are actually quite nice.

You can't keep hanging with them. It's okay to be alone. Sign up for the duo lingo app and learn a language. When I was at uni, I didn't have real friends, just people I sat with. It's okay to be like that.

Are they also mature students? Mature only in age of course.

If not then it's mature students at the uni you need to be interacting with socially.

If they are then it's other mature students you need to be interacting with. Ones that aren't absolute wankers.

OP, are they mature students like you? If they ask again if you are okay, I'd say that you are just processing the fact that they've been bitching and laughing about how fat you are and you had thought people outgrew that sort of behaviour at school.

I promise you that you can find other, better friends. Their judgement of you is nothing compared to your legitimate judgement of them. Judge them now and decide you prefer better, wiser, kinder, more honest and loyal people in your life. Seek people who share your values and interests, your work ethic, your politics or musical tastes.

I wouldn't waste time with them again unless they apologise and mean it.