Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

Agree with the 60+ comment. My mum is 70, and the first to refer to someone by their body shape (says more about her than the people she's judging).

They're not your friends. Show yourself some respect and distance yourself from these shallow bitches. When they ask what's wrong, say matter of factly: "what's wrong is that I saw you've been laughing about my weight. I thought you were my friends, so I guess what's wrong is that I'm coming to terms with the fact that you're not actually my friends, because friends don't do nasty shit like this."

Distance yourself. Even if they apologise, there's no coming back from this. You deserve better friends.

FWIW OP, I would be your friend and knowing you wanted to lose weight I would help and encourage you, rather than poke fun at you. I'd say let's get together in my house or yours and make a healthy dinner, get you to come with me on long dog walks or to a fitness activity. It would be great fun and each time you lost a bit of weight I'd encourage you and cheer you on until you got there. That is what friends do! And these nasty little pipsqueaks are not friends. And remember , people who have to tear each other down are often hiding insecurities themselves.

How immature! I'd be tempted to confront them for being such a bunch of "pick-me"s.

Honestly didn't they grow out of that stuff in the playground? All the best people did!

Sometimes I’m glad I don’t really have friends (being ND I don’t tend to attract many!). I don’t know why I continue to be shocked by how awful people can be. I’m really sorry op x

You don't deserve this. How utterly horrible. They're not friends. They're bullies. I know this might be hard to read, but you really are better off without them. They will always make you feel horrible about yourself... friends don't do that. Where is uni (you don't have to share)? At uni, there should be lots of different societies and activities you can join? I joined a charity/fundraising society and met a lot of friends that way who are like minded. I also joined a writer's group and that led to some friendships. The friendships won't be instant, they will take time and work, but you definitely need to get away from these people who have not grown nor matured as people. They will hold you back. They already are. You will definitely find people, and you only really need one two people really :)

PS forgot to add. Being fat isn't a crime, it's not a moral issue, and not is it in any way linked to the quality of a human being.

These horrible women have shown themselves up as being scumbags. I'd rather hang out with someone fat and nice than someone like them.

Yuk.

@Luddite26 definitely different. I would have knocked on that door straight away 😅

Hideous behaviour.

You can’t control other people’s stupidity but you have control of your reaction.

Be glad you’re not as ignorant as they are and have nothing more to do with them. Universities are full of diverse people, you’ll find proper friends away from this lot. They’re just holding you back.

If they have been bitching about you, it's guaranteed that they do the same with other members of the group when they are not present.

I had this in uni too OP, a big mouth guy in the "friend" group announced to everyone laughing that I was the size of a baby elephant, it hurt being humiliated like that (I still remember the sinking feeling nearing twenty years on) what hurt even more was the other girls laughing and tutting "ah" at him. These were people I had tried to be a good friend too, I just moved on, no point in saying a thing to them to be condescended too about it "being a joke", jokes are funny and make people laugh, I wasn't laughing. Some people have no empathy or manners, better to find better decent people.

When they ask what's wrong, say matter of factly: "what's wrong is that I saw you've been laughing about my weight. I thought you were my friends, so I guess what's wrong is that I'm coming to terms with the fact that you're not actually my friends, because friends don't do nasty shit like this."

i think @JonnyTheDogFacedBoy 's response is perfect. Say it in a monotone. Do not allow your voice to go up in pitch. Then walk away.

I know you feel like you don't have the balls for this OP, but with this kind of thing you have to fake it till you make it. The act of telling them who they are and who you are (ie, not someone who damages themselves by accepting this shit) is actually the cure for the pain - this act of taking back control will help you not only move on, but move on as a person with balls.

(I'm as annoyed as I'm sure everyone else will be at me using balls like this but I hope you know what I mean. I wish there were a good woman-word for that combo of courage and direction and self-prioritising and contempt for the contemptible!)

I'm so angry for you OP. Absolutely disgusting they'd do that in the first place, but to do it somewhere you can see. Vile.
If it's too hard to stay, don't force yourself. Go and do something lovely instead. I hope you find some amazing friends and pass your course with flying colours. We're all rooting for you.

What are they, 12? It always hurts though hearing something less than flattering. I once heard myself described as old-maidish which I thought was a bit harsh and I was only 24! (I'm married with children so he'd probably say I'm mumsy now.) Honestly, it says far more about them than it does you.

You said that you can’t leave as you are at uni. What do you mean? Leave the accommodation? The course? The lunch hall?

I would be telling them to go fuck themselves.

These people aren’t your friends and any people that may be potentially amazing friends are going to associate you with them.

Right. So what you do is blithely ignore it. Who gives a fuck what they think? If they are serving your purpose by filling the role of 'friends', continue, as long as it suits you. Get out and about if you can, meet more people. Don't feel beholden to the 'friends' at all, do your own thing. Don't mention it. Don't give them the satisfaction.

You can say “I was fine until I saw a really nasty text message from someone I thought was alright” and just look at them all die inside.

Call it out and stick up for yourself. They will respect you more.

Can you tell us more about the uni (don't name it, of course) - are you doing a full time course? What are the other students like on the course (beside this group of nasty women)? Do you have the time to do other things at uni? There will be plenty of interest groups where you can go to make new friends. Don't let these horrible women stop you enjoying your time there.

When you say you can’t leave, what do you mean?

Is that because you are living in the same house/flat/halls?
Are you doing the same course so have to see each other?

I can see why you aren’t saying anything.
id step back and spend as little time with them as possible.
Id look at clubs etc…at Uni. There are many of them and I’m sure at least one if them will be doing something you enjoy
eg my dc is going to a club linked to his subject (economy)
If they ask, just be vague and say you’re not feeling great/have revisions to do/want to be involved in A or B.

If you are living together, it’s harder Tbh.

I’d do this too. Not for their respect but because they should be called out on it.

Do you mean they are housemates, coursemates, people you hang out with? Are they the same age as you?

They way they have acted reflects totally on them and the sort of unhappy human beings they are and says nothing about you as a person.

I would personally distance myself and if they ask why, be totally honest and say “I saw the rude messages about me on your phone and I don’t want to be around people like that”

throw yourself into clubs/groups to meet people if you feel the need or just see this as a lesson to build on your confidence and spend more time alone. You won’t be at uni forever and this won’t be how life is from now on.

I am so sorry OP this is awful. My dd is 12 and the girls at her school or some of them are horrible and do what you have described. Now at 12 I can excuse some of it,well I cant really but they are 12. What the hell is wrong with these people.? In my view there is one thing you can do and you must for your own mental health is say fuck em and drop em. However difficult this is you need to safeguard you.You who possess decency against these shocking individuals.I am going to tell you what my dd (12yrs) did when a group of girls who were her "friends" tried to do the text to bully method they favour so much...my dd told them it was horrible and they had to stop as it was unfair. They didnt and called her soft for not joining in.They then turned on her, They were so mean to her and she,my dd ended up friendless. I was so f**king proud of my dd.It hurt my dd and she was lonely being left out but she said she would do it again tomorrow because it was the right thing to do and it was. My dd has more balls than these bullies will ever have.The girls have moved on to other people to abuse and my dd just gets on with it with a few new friends she found. Never easy to deal with but you are better than them whatever that costs you ,you need to believe that.You do not need these tramps in your life,they bring nothing yet leave such turmoil in their wake, My dd is 12 still and will never forget the lessons she learned but she will grow up a strong decent human who will not get kicks out of abusing other people. However upset you are now ,and you must .be value yourself more than your fear of what if from these no marks who deserve not a place in your thoughts let alone a place at the table. I wish you well and hope you find the strength when you get over the shock at how badly you have been treated to remove these waste of spaces from your life.They do not deserve to be there.x

@ofcoursetheyrelaughing omg op ! I feel so sorry for you ! What a set of wankers your friends are ! They are also probably your age ? And still acting like bloody school kids ?! I can’t belive it ! You’d think being at UNI , they would be a bit more clever 😡 I would have said something as soon as I saw the phone screen , I would have said , ( is it me you’re talking about ???) and if the person refused to show me right then ,then I would of just walked off and never be friends with them again ! Scum bags , bullying an adult ! How sad ! OP I’m sure you’re the nicest and the kindest person out of that friend group! You don’t need friends like them who slag you off , this shows how immature they are and being at uni , you really don’t need this stress , they are sucking energy out of you making you stress and they are so fake that you just don’t know what to belive anymore when they talk to you ! I know that I would 100% rather be alone and study , instead of being with immature kids who think bullying is funny at age 30 😤your so much better off without them OP , I promise you that ! Show your self your self worth by walking away from them xxx hugs xxx

Once upon a time this might have floored me - I think post-motherhood I'd just tell them off roundly - say 'I'm really disappointed to see you posting messages like that. Can you tell me why you think that's ok?' Or something like that. They're acting like catty tweenies.

I'm so sorry they've done this. What horrible women. I don't have any advice other than what PPs have said, handle yourself with dignity and walk away.

Don't be me cos I'd (threaten to?) body slam them to the ground and batter fuck out of them one by one and then wish I'd walked away with dignity 😂