Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

I love the idea of asking them why they think this is okay. How could they answer that?

Are you sure that you haven't made a mistake? What did you actually see written?

I mean, how likely is that?

I can be bitchy behind people's backs. Why? I don't really know, but probably because I'm a displeasing combination of cowardly, socially inept, while also having a harsh sense of humour that many people wouldn't find acceptable.

It's possible that these girls actually do like you as a friend and value your company, but that's not enough to stop them laughing at you, or anybody else they bitch about.

Hopefully seeing it from their perspective feels less personal - they probably bitch about loads of people.

They are not only not your friends, they are vile people. I've never ever had a text from anyone, 'laughing' at someone's appearance, and if I did, I'd distance myself. The only time my friends would mention someone else's weight is if they were concerned for their health. Just trying to put in context about how nasty these people are. You can maybe do something about the weight, if you want to, for you, but I doubt they will be able to transform themselves into decent, kind, respectful people. It doesn't seem like it, but it's a good thing you found out what they're like before investing any more time with these losers

I got invited to a dinner once by a 'friend' when I was in my early 20s. I didn't know anyone else there. When I went to the loo I could hear them all discussing me and laughing, and my 'friend' slagging me off. One of them said 'where the hell did you get that from?!' to my 'friend' etc etc. and similar things. It's vile. I stopped speaking to the friend - nothing dramatic, just let it fade.

Then I bumped into the 'friend' on the tube years later, when I was older and wiser. The friend acted all nice and pleased to see me. I delighted in telling them how vile they were to me, and how I'd heard everything. They looked incredibly shocked. I got off at the next stop, never to see them again.

I can’t leave due to where we are (uni)

Of course you can leave. Get up, go outside, go to a different cafe. You have agency here, OP, don’t freeze up.

This is most unpleasant, sorry to hear how it made you feel. Its time to pick yourself up (not by buying a bag of Jumbo sized crisps ;) and move away from spending time with these unpleasant cretins. Your fat, so what. They are cruel and small minded and don't deserve your company.

It's them. Not you. Insecure, bitchy cock wombles do this. Friends don't. In my group of friends, we have a full range of shapes and sizes and I can honestly say, I have never, ever heard any comments on anybody else's body behind their back (unless it's positive e.g. didn't x look lovely). Two reasons:
a. we're not cunts and
b. it's dull to discuss someone else's body and we've got better things to talk about

This is refreshingly honest. How do you feel if/when people find out? How would you react if someone said ‘I saw that message’ or whatever? I have known loads of bitchy girls/women, and I always wonder about their apparent lack of empathy.

OP I'm sorry this happened. It must have felt horrible.

I would find out what clubs are available at uni; maybe charity/fundraising would be a good one? and get involved in some activities with other much nicer people.

There's also (possibly) a Chaplaincy centre (or that's what it was called when I was there) where people would listen to you and be kind. Or some sort of pastoral care is available I'm sure.

Please don't keep this to yourself. Reach out and let nice people support you. You might be able to do the same for someone else one day.

Look after yourself

What is your living situation OP? Are you in shared accommodation with other students of a similar age or in mature student/PG halls? Or are you living with a bunch of 18 year olds away from home for the first time? If its the latter its probably best to find somewhere else.

Report them. your an adult this is a university not a primary school

Fuck them OP. Shallow bitches.

Please tell them you saw. They will at least cringe for a moment and then you can hold your head up high and walk away.

It can be shit when you have noone to walk to - but I would tell them you saw, tell them that you are shocked at how unkind and spiteful they have turned out to be and then tell them honestly, that you have no other friends to walk away to yet, but you'd rather be alone than a laughing stock at their expense.

If you are calm and clear in your annihilation of them, they won't have anything to laugh about once you walk away - they will just feel shit about themselves and they deserve to.

And then take your time to find new and REAL friends.

What a bunch of c*nts. I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
I absolutely detest people like this having once been there myself.
I'm in my 50's now and still have issues thanks to them.
Concentrate on your studies and try to find some nicer people to surround yourself with.
They don't deserve your friendship.

oh they are awful! - group message them all. "i saw your phone screen, you are nasty bitches. Throw it right back into having them sit there feeling truley awful and having to look at you.

Seriously, everyone can be a bit bitchy at times. The difference is you know to complain to the right person and don’t message IN FRONT OF the person you’re talking about!! I bitch to very close friends about friends they don’t know, nor ever will meet, because it’s safe and not risky. Also the nature of the insult is important here. The ‘friends’ were talking about the OP’s figure. No one who is a decent adult does this. The bitchiness at adult level is like ‘Oh she’s always late or she always cancels at the last minute or she’s a bit rude’ NOT ‘she’s fat’.

How old are they? They sound very immature and bitchy. Options are to confront them and see what they have to say for themselves or quietly distance yourself. You will make other friends. Just look for opportunities to talk to other people 'I like your coat!' Or 'Sorry I missed what the lecturer just said did you catch that?..' Genuine Qs or comments. Some people might not chat back much others will be friendly. I bet you're not the only one on the course finding it hard to make friends it's just about finding the right people. Good luck!

Ugh! I avoid these shrivelled inside, spite-filled types like the plague. Got rid of my bitchy hairdresser because she couldn’t resist being a vile cunt every time I saw her.

💐❤️

They’re not your friends - they’re horrible. There are nicer people in the world, as you’ll find if you distance yourself from them and get involved with more activities at uni. If they ask why you’ve backed off tell them you saw what they were doing and you’ve no intention of allowing them to continue their ‘fun’ at your expense. You can definitely do better - just widen your horizons a bit.

God I'm mortified for them being so pathetic... like don't get me wrong op, I can see that being incredibly hurtful to read that about yourself but I'm cringing so hard for them that they haven't grown up to know better. It's incredibly childish behaviour on their part. I'd call them out on it tbh but equally I don't associate being fat with my self worth (which has been a long fought battle!) So I see it as more of a fact than an insult. If you can't avoid them then tbh I'd be inclined to wait until they're together and then if they ask you what's wrong I'd tell them exactly what you saw and ask them to explain it. And then just sit back and watch them squirm. And then I'd have nothing to do with them again that goes outside of uni work/ professional conversation. Invest more in others in your class and try to get to know them. Tbh these girls sound like they'd sink you if given the chance so I'd avoid at all costs and remember what you're there for- to get yourself ahead. Success is the best revenge after all.

They're dicks, don't waste your time on them, value yourself, gat stuck in to a different aspect of uni life and distance yourself from the arseholes.

I was like that as a teenager - constantly talking behind other people’s backs. Why? Because I had social anxiety, poor social skills, and low self-esteem, and because I hated socialising and generally hated being alive. I was so full of fear and shame I could barely function. Odd thing was, I wasn’t like that by nature. By nature, I’m quite kind and empathetic. I did it because I was in pain.

This is not about being fat. You probably aren’t by today standards. They must envy you about something because no one pretend to be a friend and make fun. At 33 this is really bizarre. Anyway, it is not about you. I will go NC without explaining. They may have done worst things that you do not even know. Time to leave those toxic assholes behind.

Adults :S I cant say ive ever hear adults talking about someone elses weight!! Thats awful!