Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

Fuck them.
I heard the school mums bitching about me. I messaged them on the group chat to say that luckily I didn’t care what they said about me but the next person might be upset.

And added GO TO HELL BITCHES.
I would rather be on my own than have ‘friends’ like that.

Next time they ask, tell them that while you might be overweight, you can lose that but they will always be bitches. I think they should know that you caught them out.

Then distance yourself. You may find you make other friends when you're not hanging around with these nasty biatches.

Don't let them get to you. This says far more about them than it does about you.

I have met so many women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and above who are exactly like the women OP describes. They are mums bitching about other mums and their daughters. You can see it in their body language and facial expression, when they're gossiping about others while waiting to pick up their kids, they are the ultimate mean girls. It really is more common than not. I don't socialise with nasty gossips any longer, they can fuck off.

you are in your 30s?? how old are they?????

My DGD is in uni digs and they are apartments with 8 flats,communal kitchen and lounge etc . They all get on like a house on fire,a mixture of all ethnicities,different regional accents, all shapes and sizes etc etc. I am pleased that she is so lucky and l know it unfortunately can only take one pinching others food,leaving a mess or as in your case encouraging others to take mickey out of one person. Please don't think its you or they have won. I know its hard to not take it personally but it really is them that are flawed not you. Is their a welfare dept you can speak to ?

How did they react?

I had a group of school mum friends. Four of us were, so I thought, especially close, and we went for nights out and weekends away. Out of nowhere, one of them dropped two of us from all contact, while still sharing photos of her and the fourth woman out and about.

No idea what that was about, but just let it go. Still close to the other one who was dropped, but not the one who wasn't dropped. Still don't have a clue, but from what I've since been told, it was in character.

People can be so weird.

I left the group chat when I sent that as I didn’t want to see replies.
They act sheepish around me now. I am glad I called them out but no doubt they will do it someone else.
I understand that not everyone will want to call out bad behaviour, I was bullied at school and wouldn’t have been confident to do anything like this until a few years ago (in my 40’s now).

It's only happened once, but I was very young (about 15). At that time, she looked at me sadly but me and her both just ignored it. At that age, I had very poor emotional intelligence and even when facial expressions were obvious even to me (as an Asperger), I didn't have the mental ability to process or understand them.

If it happened now, it would depend on if it was triggered by me being irritated with them, or if it was just random bitchiness.

If I was irritated, I'd probably just get annoyed out loud by what they'd done and why I said what I said.

If it was random and unprompted, I would own it and apologise, and say I'm just a cunt and I do really like you, or whatever.

I wouldn't be as catastrophically shocked and embarrassed as some people on here seem to think. It would be a mild "oh shit" moment and I would try to correct it. I guess that's part of the nature, less embarrassment/shame at bitching in the first place.

What an awful thing to have experienced and what dreadful people they are. As others have said, move on from them.
Unfortunately some women bitch and gather cliques around them regardless of their age. They’ve probably been doing it since the playground.

I have witnessed older women draw a victim into the clique only to demolish them at a later time. True friends always have your back and would defend you against negative comments.
I hope you can begin to feel better and meet a kinder group.

If you do say something I would go along the lines of "I was fine then I saw you were all taking the piss out of me. Obviously it felt shit and I also think it's pretty pathetic when grown adults bitch about people behind their backs to be honest."

I wouldn't have any more to do with them after I had said my piece. Arseholes.

It's not you OP, people like this always find people to bully. Some don't grow out of it and all you can do is feel sorry for them on some level for being so utterly pathetic.

Hope you feel better soon, sorry they were so horrible to you

Has happened to me so many times, people would insinuate that I smelt bad.. it never gets old. ... bless you for not wanting confrontation - this current version of me would say something, I was much shyer when I was at uni/college many years ago.

This ^
'Fake it til you make it.'
'Style it out.'

You won't be able to change them.

The good news is that you can distance yourself from them, but they'll always be stuck in the nasty rut they've created for themselves, bonding over tearing other people down.

See if there are opportunities for you to join other groups at university. Is there a group that volunteers somewhere? A formal group centered around some interest of yours that you'd like to develop? Art, birdwatching, anime, crochet, films, yoga, exploring another culture, etc?

Just reading and digesting.

Re not being able to get out - I was in a seminar, had another one to go and were attendance marked so couldn’t take the day off without a lot of jumping through hoops.

Yes it was aimed at me, it was too specific - direct comment on what I was eating at the time.

We’re all the same age, same course of study and it’s a small group. I don’t really know anyone else in the class, and they’re all much younger than I am. We do only have a handful of face to face seminars this year but I’m just gutted.

Even if it was a throwaway comment to do it sitting beside me makes me think this isn’t the first time, it’s probably happened before many times. Quite a few times I’ve been sent messages that have been rapidly deleted because ‘they were for someone else’. It’s just that it’s just a sore point as well; my biggest weakness is my weight and I’m acutely aware I’m fat, I don’t like myself, but I do think I’m worthy of being respected even if I’m not nice to look at, I hope. And I don’t think they are respecting, or being kind.

I’ve bent over backwards for them so many times over.

I’m neurodivergent too which doesn’t help.

The same thing happened to me a lot in school which is obviously a long time ago but it stays with you, I’m doing therapy just now where a part of that has been going over those experiences and why they wouldn’t happen today and I just feel completely crushed. I remember once being in school bus and I had headphones i, turned volume down and the girl I thought back then was my best friend, and four others, were all sitting laughing at me for being so sad that I thought they liked me.

I’d have thought by early-mid 30s most people would have grown out of that too.

I do want to say something but don’t know how. I don’t want to end up alone all the time like previous, this is the first time I’ve had someone to sit with and go out with at weekends and stuff.

Chaplaincy are thankfully already involved with me due to complex circumstances so that helps, I have got good organised support around me.

I’m inclined to do as Mariposistaaa suggests and just tell them next time they ask- not in a pitiful way, sorry for yourself way, just straight back at them. They’re the ones with something to feel ashamed of. As a poster said further up, people only behave this way if they feel attacked themselves- so if you haven’t attacked them, they’re grappling with insecurity issues. Chin up, head high, move on. You deserve better.

So sorry you're going through this.

I know you said that others on the course are younger and wouldn't want to hang around with you but you might be surprised - I started uni at 50 with mental health issues and was gobsmacked to make friends with the 18 -24 age group. You say you are neurodivergent, but are there social clubs around your hobbies that you could join to get away from this group of women?

Any way, sending a hand-hold, hug and good luck.

Get up and move away from them and block all contact.

Use the humiliation inside of you to embark on a health and fitness journey.

Imagine you're a character in a film and one day they are going to turn their heads when they see you and they won't be laughing.

Please, honestly, do not put it on your heart. You will need your diploma for your professional life and these things will fade away one day

I've had this a couple of times over the years, but colleagues, and then one family friend who worked with me and our colleague.

The colleagues, I could sort of dismiss, only they were so friendly, one of them invited me back to her house to stay the night after I'd drunk a bit too much one night (again being encouraged by them to do so). I felt bad one time so I bought them stuff (sunflower decorated ginger biscuit) but it wasn't until someone I worked with told me "Gonna, they start talking about you when you leave the room and stop when you come back in". Luckily I left not long after. This was in my mid 30s. One of these women made a nasty comment when I lost half a stone but treated myself to a cupcake, because she found it hard to lose weight.

The family friend (wife of a family friend) was a newish friend of my DM's oldest male friends. Turned out he'd told her they'd dated (DM and him) but they hadn't. She got jealous. Turned it into a bitch fest on me which ramped up over time with her colleague, luckily she only worked with us some of the time. This was in my late 30s/early 40s. I overheard my colleague speaking to someone when I joined about my looks (like she was jealous), she knew I could hear.

I had to do what a pp said here "fake it til you make it" - after I was bullied that was, then I got out.

I now find it quite hard to trust people outside my usual friendship groups. In my 20's I didn't give a shit so much.

In your case OP, I really would cut them off, call them out on this if you like. Don't trust them. There might be one who is actually remorseful and nice. But you have to trust your own judgement there.

How nasty of them, and it would be horrible for anyone to experience, but especially so given your previous experiences. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really reflects on them and how shallow and insecure they are that they need to do this to bolster their own sense of worth.

My advice would be not to say anything, even to faux concern and enquiries as to what's wrong. It will just give them drama to bond over and make it even worse for you.

If you can, try to act normally and just be non-committal. Is there a likelihood of having to do group tasks? If so, I would ask to speak to your tutor confidentially and make sure you aren't put in any groups with them.

I had something like this happen to me years ago

I got on really well with my brothers then girlfriend

We where so close,she was the sister I never had and a fab aunt to my dc

Annnddd then she finally got married to my brother

She ignored me the whole time at her wedding (fair enough,your wedding day is all about the bride) and I went to the loo

Sat there,peeing away when I heard her come in with another friend

They started slagging me off-my hair,my make up,my outfit (that she insisted I buy and pay for myself),my weight,the fact I never married,the fact my kids are 'bastards' and 'horrid little brats' (they where not-they had their moments as all kids do),the money I was 'raking in' in tax credits,why should she 'single handed pay my rent' but the next sentence was 'she should have paid for my underwear,ring,shoes and paid more money into the bar bill',the fact I asked her once to have the kids while I ran to the shop for milk-that turned into 'she's always getting me to babysit',my looks and finally the fact I'm 'a slag who will shag owt'

I very calmly waited until they'd gone,walked out of the loos,went over to where their shitty wedding cake was,picked it up,walked out,hailed a cab and went home

Kids loved the cake for breakfast the next morning and I've never spoken to her since

I then went upwards and onwards-i re-trained at college,got a better job,kids grew up to be amazing adults,i have an amazing dp and we own our own house

She's had her baby (my nephew),found that motherhood isn't the rainbows and glitter she thought it was,the penny dropped that my brother is a lazy cunt who gave up his job the second he got her pregnant so he could stay at home,ignoring the kid and she has to work full time and rely on uc for top ups (which isn't the millions she thought it was)

@ofcoursetheyrelaughing them acting this way is not a reflection on you or your weight. It is them being mean, petty and lacking in self confidence so they have to tear down an easy victim to feel better about their own flaws.

I know this must be hurtful and embarrassing but you've not done anything wrong and you don't deserve to be bullied.

You've found out in a shocking, painful way that these woman are nasty bitches and not your friends at all but in the long run, this is good for you because now you know you cannot trust them.

Try to focus away from them. Find someone on your course who you have an affinity with. Maybe even another neurodiverse person? There will be another person there who feels like you do. Alone, shy and anxious. Reach out to Chaplaincy and ask if there is anyone they'd recommend you try to befriend. If there isn't already one, you could start/join a neurodiverse group for support and friendship?

I am not neurodiverse and but my best friend in the world is. She, like you, was bullied and mocked for a long time. We found each other and I love her like a sister. There is someone out there who will think of you the same. Someone who will "get" you and understand. I know it's scary but try putting your self out more and just enjoy life as much as you can. The happier you are and happier you present yourself in life, the more positivity you will attract.

Remember - your weight is not the sum of who you are. It was just the easiest way for these nasty, insecure woman to pick at and you mustn't let them win.

Block and ignore them. Never utter a word to those cows again. Pretend they dont exist.

Was that a recent interview?

As others have said, they are not friends. Not that it diminishes how you feel about it.

Absolutely: you’ve hit the nail on the head. Of course you’re worthy of being respected. And guess what: as far as human faults go, carrying a bit of weight is really, really not up there with the worst. I have several friends who really struggle with their weight and they are so dear to me because they’re just gorgeous, wonderful people. (And I know quite a few skinny bitches 🤣)