Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

@Tooolde You’re absolutely right. Multiple scientific research studies have proved that older parents = increased risk that the child will have autism or adhd.

Autism and adhd used to be incredibly rare, now there’s several kids in every class with it and teachers cannot cope so the other kids aren’t learning (or worse are learning the only way to get attention is to be loud / break rules).

It’s a huge problem in England I don’t know about other countries. We as a society need to find a way to make having children in your early twenties affordable again.

Oh i didnt know this. But my two friends who were much older when they had kids both have 2 boys each with autism and adhd.

Did it used to be incredibly rare or was it more the fact that these children were likely hidden away if severe or simply just labelled naughty at school? More is now known about ASD and ADHD which is why more children are able to get a diagnosis, some not until a much later age because it can still be missed if it isn't obvious.

There's also the genetic factor that seems to be getting largely ignored. If you have ASD and/or ADHD, you are more likely to have a child with it no matter how young or old you are.

Soaring house prices have had a lot to do with it IMO.
And rental costs have soared recently, at least anywhere around here. I don’t think it all down to IR rises, either. In a London area I watch, having been fairly stable for some time, rents were suddenly zooming up well before interest rates started rising, or were expected to.

In some South Asian cultures, grandparents do a significant portion of the childrearing in a lot of families. That can work well. Have your kids younger, so that grandparents take some of the load, and careers take less of a hit. You then get to be a grandparent at a younger age and less burnt out, so are able to grandparent better.

Of course, that relies on grandparents not being toxic, etc.

I had my children at 30,32 and 35. So all all become teenagers before I hit 50.

My mother was 54 when I had my first and my MIL 59, so theoretically could have helped with child care. However, both live several hundred miles away and my mother was nursing my father through cancer for the first few years.

Thankfully, we could afford to pay for childcare, which we couldn't if we'd had them sooner.

I wouldn't have wanted to change anything.

so what happens to the grandparent careers? Do they take the hit?

i am still working at 55, and don’t anticipate being able to retire financially any time soon. State pension doesn’t kick in now til 68.

if I gave up work to look after grandchildren, who’s going to pay my bills?

I had my first at 26 and second at 29- first wasn't planned but it's worked out v well. We had good jobs and got mat leave and could make it work, kids now have young grandparents who love having them. It really depends on individual circumstances. I do think having kids 40+ must be exhausting and supporting uni etc when you're ready to retire must be a killer.

Ideally, I would have had children younger (I was 36 when DD was born). However, there have always been women having children in their late 30s and early 40s. My grandma gave birth to my Dad just before she turned 41. The only difference between her generation and mine is that he was her fifth child, not her first or second.

I belong to the sandwich generation, as DD is only five, but my parents are sadly developing age-related health conditions. My one consolation is that having children late is supposed to be better for the environment than having them early (fewer generations alive at the same time).

I had my DS when I was 21, not planned as I was still in college but I do think I'm really glad I had him so young now. I see my friends who are now 35ish having babies and I wonder where they get the energy... I was bloody exhausted at 21 trying to raise my boy!

My parents are mid 50s and very actively involved in my DSs life. His other GPS are in their 70s and while less active, they have been nothing short of amazing in their support, just in a different way.

There are downsides obviously, it took me longer to get where I am in my career, I don't own my own home whereas some of my friends do. Childcare was very expensive while I was building up my career and on a lower salary and as a single Mum it was harder to maintain a social life.

All in all, I wouldn't change it though. It's been amazing growing up with my son and when I'm 40, he'll be well on his way to independence and I'll have more time to pursue my interests. I'll also, hopefully, have more time to spend with his children if he decides to have them.

Not sure if there's a right or wrong answer here, there's pros and cons to each side, but this is my experience.

I often think about this. I had my children at 36 and 38. If they wait as long as I did, I won't become a grandparent until I'm in my 70s.

My parents were late having children too. My father was 70 when I had my first child and my mother was 69. They were divorced and lived in different locations both of which were at least 2.5 miles from where I live.

It was extremely difficult trying to juggle full time work, children/teenagers and support for two ageing parents (not to mention helping with my mother in law who was the same age and her sister who was older).

I had my two at 28 and 30 which was perfect. I'd had 10+ years of going out, holidays with friends, University then living with friends before I met DH and settled down.

Not everyone wants years at Uni then another degree and additional qualifications at work. I'm in a job I like, earning decent(ish) money but it is definitely isn't a career which is fine for me.

We'll be nearing 50 when the youngest heads off to University and although we've 'had our lives back' for a few years now, I'm so glad we'll be young enough to do all the things we have planned.

Most couples I know want to own a home before having children and want to have a few free years to enjoy themselves and build up their careers.
I think most people will try to have kids before 35 but sometimes things don't go to plan. I know a lady who had a baby at 40 and 42 via IVF. She is now in her early 50's and recently gave up work to spend more time with her kid's and to help out elderly parents.
I think that biologically having a baby at a young age is better. Then you could have a baby with a father who has no interest or won't even help you out financially. It harder then to work even part time or to build up a career. Therefore it can effect the mother's own life long term.

@Wishicouldthinkofagoodone I'm being idealistic - I'm picturing a world in which everyone can afford to work part time. I suppose if you don't spend years and years out of the workforce raising kids, or spending loads on childcare fees, part time work in your 50s might be more likely to be affordable.

Being an "older" person all my friends had their children in their twenties. By the time they had to care for their parents their children were fully grown adults, some with their own families. Of all those friends only one is onto their second marriage, all the rest are with their original husbands, and all are happy (one got married at 17). There seems to me to be an awful lot of people who settle for someone less than ideal - I'm pretty sure they are not all young.

I attended a small school, in a town where everyone knew everyone else. I can think of two or three children who may have had some sort of an issue, but no more. No one had children who were "hidden away" - believe me, we would have known - and while there were some labelled naughty at school, looking back that is all they were - they seemed to settle down once they joined the workforce. There certainly weren't the large number of children with the very serious and complex problems that there are these days.

27-30 is optimum IMO.

Old enough to have finished education and young enough to have energy to cope with small children/teenagers - and then time after to focus on career again afterwards.

I had 4 children between the ages of 23 and 30. Now 35. It has made it hard to get a real "career" going (for me and DH) but I do have a job I enjoy, that works for the family, with prospects. DH has fallen into a career pathway in the end. We wouldn't have had so many kids if careers were more important to either of us personally, as it is a lot of juggling and we went in eyes wide open.

It is not unusual round here where you can still buy a decent 3 bed semi for £160k to have children in your mid 20s.

The best part is that my parents are 59/62 and very active - able to come with us to theme parks, theatre, mini breaks, camping etc. My granny is only in her 80s and also come on holiday with us at least annually. I think we all benefit from those relationships. I happened to sail through pregnancy and birth but that was just luck.

In general yes. I felt as ready as I could be to have children at 27 (I wasn't, but who is). It is noticeable though that when we have the luxury of choosing whether to have children, people do it less and do other things first. I think that's completely rational.

My late dh was the first man I was with who was willing to have children. I wish more men were genuinely interested in children but I can't blame them for not being, it is hard work.

Yes we are ... but if you want to live your life a little, travel, party, build your career, be financially stable and spend a decent time getting to know your partner (and play the field before you meet them) ... things I think that are important for personal growth (everyone will have their list) and so you don't look back and feel you missed out, then I don't really see how this can be achieved younger than about 35. Personally, I feel I have had my DC too late in life, but I'm glad I did all the things I wanted to before I had them. Just a few days ago when I was feeling exhausted I thought that I'm glad I really enjoyed my 20s and 30s!

The thing is, you spent your early to mid thirties with young children, which is why you are tired! If you haven’t had to deal with that then you have plenty of energy until the DC arrive.

I had the same conversation with my friend who had 3 DC before 30. I had mine at 35 & my energy levels were fine. She didn’t know how early 30s without kids felt and assumed everyone was exhausted and achy by then!

Wtf no. 20s were for fun, travelling, exploring the world and yourself, late nights laughing with friends until your stomach hurts, going on impromptu holidays with less than 24 hours notice, taking classes in something random just because you fancied it, dating handsome inappropriate men you'd never bring home, deep diving into hobbies, spending all day sunbathing and reading whole books in one go, investing in your career and yourself. Once children come they should come first and although life doesn't stop it changes significantly, you no longer come first in the same way. I was ready for that change in my 30s, I would've been bitter and felt trapped if it had happened in my 20s.

Ideally, I think 25-32 is a good age. Hopefully, careers are set up, some fun has been had and grandparents are young enough to help out, or even great grand parents.
I had my dc older. I have no issues with energy and I do a lot with my dc. We go out for lots of experiences, we go to and fro to clubs and we've travelled lots.
I still wish I had my dc when I was younger. I doubt I'll be able to help out much when my dc have kids if they wait until their 30's.

This is a really good point! My friend, who had her children when she was in her early twenties, recently commented that she didn’t know where I found the energy to look after my primary school kids as she is exhausted (we are now in our 40s).

But my life during my 20s and early 30s was completely different from hers. Whilst she was in the trenches with small children I was travelling, partying and enjoying a career in Tech/Media.

By the time I hit mid thirties I was ready to have kids. My energy levels were fine and whilst having kids at that age was tiring it was not completely exhausting. I’m very fortunate in that I’ve enjoyed good health and the fact I spent my 20/30s building a career and looking after myself physically helped financially and mentally.

I can understand why the thought of young children seems exhausting to my friend now but that’s because her kids are in their 20s and the school run is a lifetime ago to her.

All that said, I would selfishly love it if DD had children in her twenties (if she wants them) so I’m young enough to be an active grandparent:)

I feel a bit bad for kids who'll be potentially minding elderly parents when they should be carefree young adults... Someone I know became a father for the first time at 50 and 52... Blows my mind a bit that when his youngest turns 18 he'll be 70...