Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

I honestly think finances is only half the story. Even if my friends and I were financially secure in our 20s, we still wouldn’t have had babies then (indeed we’re all financially secure now in our mid-30s yet none of us had a baby yet), because there is so much more to do life than in past generations, particularly in one’s youth.

Getting a degree, often multiple degrees, completing post-graduate training, laying the foundations for a fulfilling and rewarding career at a time in life when you have the energy to put in the hours this often requires, taking a gap year/sabbatical to go travelling around the world, living and working abroad, enjoying a full and exciting social life, having lots of disposable income, investing in self-care and looking/feeling the best you’ve ever felt, personal growth through learning (books, podcasts, journaling/time to reflect), taking risks.

I’m not saying the above is impossible with young children, but it would certainly be a lot more difficult to achieve. Men and women know this, hence the desire to delay having children or remain child-free.

I had my DC at 26, after two contraceptive methods failed. It definitely wasn't when I would've planned to have a child, but physically pregnancy, birth and child rearing have been fine. No complications in pregnancy, no stretch marks/loose skin, back to pregnancy baby weight after approx a year (breastfeeding made me hungry, or I think it would've been sooner), and I have heaps of energy to combine work, postgrad study, parenting, exercise and housework.

@Crushed23 while I agree to some extent, I honestly think that if id spent nigh on 20 years doing what I wanted, parenting would've bloody killed me and I'd have hated every second of it.

At 21, when I had kids, I had zero expectations aside from thinking it was going to be super hard. When it wasnt, i was really surprised. I feel like if id waited til my age now (38) I'd be acutely aware of how much life would change and decide against kids full stop.

ETA: I think it was easier because of my lack of expectations and naivety really. Older parents may have a tendency to think of kids as the icing on the cake, but it can be hard because it's such a big change after having so much freedom iyswim.

@Crushed23 I met DH young but didn’t entertain babies as I was having too much fun & climbing the ladder. Had them between 31 & 35 which was the right age for me & slotted in with friends so we shared life stages.

I don't think having them younger guarantees childcare especially as most older women are still in the workforce.

Mid to late 25's is ideal! Before 24 seems too young and over 35 too late.

ONS has age of first time mother's has risen to average of 30.9 in 2001 - that's up from 27.7 in 1991.

Multiple degrees and post graduate qualifications and travel all existed in the 90s - so assume rising housing costs stagnant wages and higher cost of living is what pushed that age back those few significant years.

It would be better physically but worse in every other way to have kids in your early 20s. I was basically a child then and didn’t even want kids. I would have been a terrible mother then and would have been so stressed financially and resentful of all the things I missed out on. Most of my friends and I are only thinking of children now (early 30s) and I think most will have them around 35 as we are more financially secure now and the biological clock is ticking.

The only issue I can see is when the adult child starts their own family, lets say their parents were 40 when they were born and the adult child starts their family in thier 30s.

The adult child will be raising young children while having elderly parents. I can see this being more of an issue in the next 20 years.

I was in my mid twenties but it was unplanned and I was really upset about it. I definitely feel like having them before I was ready derailed the life I had planned. It was with a man who was definitely a just ‘fine for now,’ I wasn’t established in my career and hadn’t done half of the personal ‘young’ things I wanted to do. I think I’d have been most ‘ready’ at 34/35.

I agree this is going to be a growing issue. There will be more and more parents with zero grandparent help.

Maybe biologically but not in any other way, in my opinion.

I was certain I didn't want children in my 20's and I'm certainly glad I didn't have them with any of the men I had sex with because not many of them would've made good fathers as it wasn't what I was looking for.

I had DS at 35 which was perfect for me and will be 37 when I have my twins. I'm definitely a better parent now than what I would've been back then.

Surely the more urgent problem with the set-up is parenting your children through GCSEs whilst simultaneously physically and emotionally supporting your parents with dementia/home carers to co-ordinate, not that the grandparents can't babysit?

Not to mention the fact that it's a choice that not every Grandparent would be willing to do anyway.

I'll be making it clear to DC that I will not be providing any regular childcare, even if I'm retired and in good health.

I suspect that the most significant way to affect age of parents at first birth now (excluding banning contraception / bringing back a requirement to be married before having any sex) might be to get the word out that actually men can't just have a healthy baby at any time they like post-puberty, and that they should probably schedule it into their life-plans as a "to do" goal in late 20s/early 30s too - rather than being amazed and feeling hurried if a female partner in her 30s wants to start TTC.

I am 51 and increasingly having to help my parents who are in their 70s. I have a lot of friends my age in similar positions. As DH and I are now established in our careers it is much easier to take time off in needed. Our DCs (late teens to early 20s) can sort themselves out and even help with the GPS.
I'm not sure how I'd have managed it in my late 20s/ early 30s. It would have felt much more of an imposition on my lifestyle.

We had our kids in our mid to late 20's, I was adamant I wanted to be done having kids by 30.

My career did take a hit, and we did end up being a few years behind everyone else in terms of establishing our careers and home (daycare fees are horrific). I went back to school and finished my degree post kids, whilst working full time. I don't miss those all-nighters and zombie-like days.

But now im in my early 40's I can honestly say, having two kids in high school becoming more and more independent - we made the right choice.

We are now in the process of buying land to build our second forever home (the one we live in will get sold) So financially we appear to be back on par, perhaps even ahead. We've started taking trips again and spoiling ourselves a little, and have the energy to keep up with the kids school, social, extracurricular and job obligations.

If we need a night away just husband and I we don't need to worry about babysitting, family is pretty good with having them the night because they're teenagers and low maintenance. If no one is available they'll organise to sleep over a friend's house.

We can go out for coffee or run errands and the kids are fine for an hour or so unsupervised. Both kids have jobs so they earn their own pocket money and also have savings. They'll both be adults in their early twenties by the time we're 50. We're still young enough to be engaged, aware, and provide appropriate guidance.

All around it's a win win for us. I might not have had a carefree 20's and 30's but I'll still be young enough to enjoy life once the kids are grown.

Having said all that, we were extremely lucky. We got into the housing market before interest rates became ridiculous and the cost of living completely outgrew salaries. I completely understand that how we did things is becoming impossible for a growing number of people who might have wanted to do things the way we did. I can see why it makes more financial sense for people to wait before having children and are becoming parents later.

to get the word out that actually men can't just have a healthy baby at any time they like post-puberty, and that they should probably schedule it into their life-plans as a "to do" goal in late 20s/early 30s too - rather than being amazed and feeling hurried if a female partner in her 30s wants to start TTC.

I'm always surprise this does seem to pass many educated men by - though some male demographers I was listening to recently also thought it was male egos over estimating their attraction at older ages to younger women.

They did have the view that many men theoretically wanted kids but then left it too long which I'm not sure how valid or widespread that it.

Agree with this it happened to one of my friends. Her mum had her later in life and she spent her 20s and early 30s looking after them.
She decided not to have children her self.
And another his parents had him at 48 his mum passed away when he was 28 and his dad is too frail and developed health issues he spends most of his time taking care of him as he lives with him and his wife and one child.
Sad really.

I do think certain societal structures make having a child early less appealing. I also think this generation of what “keeping up with the Jones” look like has changed and we just have different priorities.

Yes, having children earlier is definitely ideal biologically. And actually once they are grown, once you hit 40 or so - you get parts of your life back which I’ve noticed is happening to the generations before me that had children at 20 and are now travelling, etc.

I had my first at 20 - looking back I didn’t have that much of a difficult time. I continued university because there was lots of support for young mums, and when my DD was 3 I got my first office job and worked my way up - again salary sacrifice for childcare worked in my favour coupled with having a young mum myself, who worked at a school and actually offered to help with childcare and was a pretty active grandma (most people thought she was mum!). I’m also super close to my DD but I think a lot of it is personality for me. Travelling the world and getting drunk didn’t appeal to me (although I managed to have a decent social life and travelled even as a mum) - I’ve always been quite mature and as I’ve grown up I’ve learned that children are not the only thing that can change your life path.

My second came in my early 30s and weirdly I feel as if I have more challenges. Not just having a difficult pregnancy but saying goodbye to a life of freedom I’ve had - readjusting halfway through my career, having slightly older parents and so expecting them to be less helpful in the baby years (it’s fine, but nursery fees have gone up a ridiculous amount and I’m lucky I can still do my work from home as I built a business in this time).

For some reason it’s so much harder to date when you are younger and I think that it’s easier to find a reliable partner later in life for some reason.

Yes, now it’s better for women to have babies later, but I guess biology hasn’t caught up with that yet…

I had my third and last baby just after I turned 31 and it’s worked out really well. I loved that my youngest went to
university I was a term time empty nester at 48.
My DH and I are mid 50’s and retired now and have a really good life.
I think it’s when you have you last DC and not just your first that makes as big as difference to your life.

I had my daughter at 31 and I feel like it was a good age in many ways. We own a house, are settled in our careers etc.
Money is not flush but I imagine by the time she is in junior school it will be looking a lot better (fingers crossed)
I also like the idea that she will be 19 when I'm 50 and by then maybe in uni/working etc.
I travelled a lot prior to meeting my partner and dated etc. so don't feel I missed out on anything really. A lot of my friends have children similar ages so we have a good support network and lots of playdates etc.
The only thing I would say is we have our own grandparents still alive which although a blessing to still have them here - our parents are having to care for them also which is hard for them with having a young grandchild as well. Both our mums had us at 28 for note (we are both the first child)

I think just a few years either way though for having them can make a huge difference.

I had a great time during my 20s, got my degree, did loads of travelling, met my DH and we had a lot of time together doing what we liked and in “fun” careers before we approached the idea of DC.

I had them at 31 and 35, which I feel was kind of a sweet spot - my parents were in their 60s and have been active GPs. When I hit 50 my kids will be late teens and becoming much more independent.

I think that there is way too much emphasis however placed by society on having the “perfect life” set up (especially for middle classes) before you dare to have DC.

We bucked the trend by - gasp - still being renters when DC1 was born and not being at the height of our careers or earning powers yet. We continued working towards buying a house and building careers whilst having small DC. And I’m so glad now that we did it this way as I wouldn’t have liked to be an older mum with relatively young DC and much older GPs.

As a "geriatic mother" at 37, this really riles me up. Should we be encouraging young women in their early to mid twenties to have children when they may not be financially secure or with the right partner to have children just because biologically they are at the best age for pregnancy and childbirth?

Personally, I was neither financially secure, was still living with my parents and not dating the right men to have children with at that age and I would guess that lots of women that age or in similar positions.

I had my first child one month shy of my 35th birthday and I felt that was a perfect age because I had established myself in my career, was in a great relationship and owned my own house - any earlier and life would have been significantly more difficult. I'm now pregnant with my second child and glad I didn't have children any earlier as I would not be able to provide for them either financially or emotionally in the way I am now. Plus if I'd had children a decade earlier, I wouldn't be able to draw on all the life experiences I've had.

I had my DC between 25 - 30 and was then able to establish my career. In my friendship group this was the age most of us had children, so it did not seem out of the norm. My DC had a good 20ish years with their grandparents before the inevitable decline and I had the energy and the time to deal with young children, a career and caring for elderly parents.
However my DC are not looking to have DC in their 20s (if at all). This is the norm in their friendship groups. They are definitely making the most out of life and have put home ownership before children. As I have to work till I am older, I doubt I will be able to be a hands on grandparent. There is also the concern that my DC may wish to care for me whilst having to manage a young family.
There are pros and cons no matter what age children enter the picture.