Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

Society nowadays and biology don't align when it comes to the right age to have children. I suppose a woman's childbearing years are roughly mid teens to mid 40s . Either end of the scale are often speculated to be 'accidents ' . Or older mothers seeking fertility treatment to gave a longed for first baby.

It is more accepted by society as normal to become a mum in late 30s or 40s. In the 80s , it was very unusual to have a first baby over 40 ( last babies less unusual). My dm was one of these and it was always such a thing that she was older.

Interestingly , 40ish year old women are perceived as much younger than they previously were. Nobody would bat an eyelid if I, in my early 40s , was pregnant.

I don't think she's being insensitive. OP and all the posters are understanding WHY people are having children late but also asking if this is a good thing. It's fine to discuss this shift in societal trends and acknowledge the good and bad in the situation.

Yes! I remember working with a woman ay uni - she was 20 and training to be a midwife. She had a home, loving partner (engaged), great friends and family. Really mature for her age but I was with her, literally witnessing absolute strangers making comments to her

That this was a planned pregnancy was unfathomable to people

Yes. Women are being screwed. We’re brainwashed into working hard for a decade then just as you’d get a promotion we have children and the career dies. Meanwhile our bodies struggle to recover from childbirth at that age and we don’t have the energy to parent as well as a 21 year old.

I wish I’d had babies at 21.

I’m 25 and have recently had my first baby. I was only able to afford to do this because my husband earns a decent wage, and I was willing to let it seriously disrupt my career. I was a newly qualified primary school teacher when I got pregnant and hadn’t secured a permanent job yet. Primary teaching roles are really in demand where I live so securing one can take years for some people and even then I probably should have worked in the role for at least a couple of years before going on maternity leave. I might have been in my early to mid thirties by the time I was ready to have my first baby from a career perspective. I wasn’t willing to wait that long and having children is more important to me, so I left teaching to have a baby. I was intending to go back eventually but with the cost of childcare and how demanding teaching is I’m not sure I ever will. I think it would help a lot if childcare was affordable so that women can have children young, then either return to their careers or start one after having children.

I had children in my 20s, lots of my friends were later 30s/early 40s. There's pros and cons to both.

Pros for 20s:
You do have more energy. I remember running round with my dc, and one of the older mums says she just didn't have the energy, and I thought she was being a bit over dramatic. Now I'm in my 40s, I know what she means.
I suspect health wise it's better. I had very few health issues until I was around 40 and since then all sorts of aches and pains to various levels of seriousness. I can't imagine going through a pregnancy with some of them and it not exacerbating it, especially my back.
And now, I'm still in my 40s and my dc#3 is 16yo, they're all fairly independent and I'm looking forward to them all being out of school and me and dh can go and enjoy life on our own again.

Pros for later:
More money (probably). I didn't work except casually before I had dc1. We had little money, everything she had was either a gift or second hand.
We had to say no to things we'd have loved them to do because of finances-and because we didn't have a car.
My career. When I wanted to get a job after dc, I'd been more than 10 years out of the job market, and, even though I had a maths degree, it was hard to even get interviews.
And we didn't have time to travel/enjoy life in our 20s before dc.

I think it's probably a personal decision. I think we made the right one for us, but for other people it would be a different choice.

Evidence physically has always been clear that we are in our prime to have babies earlier but that is only a tiny bit of the picture. Housing costs, the need in many families to have 2 working adults on decent wages to afford a family, emotional stability of the parents (everyone is ready at different times to become a parent!)…. So much to consider.

I had mine at 34 and 36 (not through choice - took us 5 years to conceive naturally after failed IVF). Shattered (oldest just turned 2), but loving every second. This is my life and I shall live it!

I would’ve started earlier, but we kept getting evicted by landlords selling up in the U.K. and couldn’t feel confident having a baby in a rental that I would likely lose every 12 months.

Then Brexit threw up so much uncertainty for me and my EU partner that we decided to leave for his home country. Needed a year to get everything settled there and reach the point of getting maternity pay in my job.

Then, covid hit, and we decided to wait so not to overburden hospitals even more and be able to access all the facilities that were closed during the pandemic.

Then after a year TTC found out I was infertile.

Currently going through IVF, and would’ve liked to have started a few years ago, but my circumstances simply made it impossible.

I’m 32 now, and there’s still no guarantee I’ll have a baby. Only one person in my friendship group has had a child - because she married a rich guy from UAE, moved to Abu Dhabi, and is living the high life. Most are shocked I want a child ‘so young’.

Yep, my mum was 39 when she became a grandmother and was working full time in a busy NHS role. No chance could she have been hands on.

For me 28 - 30 is the perfect age to have a baby. You've had time to work out who you are, go to uni, do some travelling and get yourself well set up - but you'll still be in your 40's when your child becomes an adult.

@PolledandBolled

I certainly didn't want to be insensitive towards those with fertility issues and that particular grief.

I was just asking the question on a general level (and obviously there are a huge range of individual cirumstance) whether there is a lot of pressure on society to have children later because of societal and financial factors.

Yes the sad fact is we are having babies too late

I had my children in my 30's as that was when I was able to. Finished uni, had career, married, able to afford house etc.
I was lucky really as I was able to get pregnant and all great.
I think some massive social changes would need to happen to allow women to have babies in mid 20's an optional time

I work in an area dealing with pregnancy and parenting we are now seeing many many women in 40's having first babies. Many using IVF and donor eggs, embryos, sperm. Pregnancy is more complicated, birth more complicated. Health risks to the mother ( and baby) much higher.
Really it isn't actually great and long term the issues show more.
Older mother = older grandparents ( or none) = less family support. The cycle will just go on here.
IVF ect does have health implications from the hormones. Can lead to early menopause in some . Female cancers are thought to be linked for some.
Massive rise in autism. Theories are being batted about as to why. Age of parents is one theory. Father's age has been thought to impact. But jury is still out.
The donor egg/sperm/embryo bit is a ticking time bomb. I expect the problems linked to this will show up in coming generations.

Let's be honest it would be best if women had children younger. We are not really meant to have a first baby at 45! But how this can happen in this society I do not know?

I think there are pro and cons whatever stage. One thing I have noticed that children of older parents appear to be more advantaged in terms of finances and parenting style. They appear to perform better at school. I have friends who had children young and older; they have said that they parent better but they had more energy when they were younger. My parents had started having children. I was her last child. I definitely, feel that I had the best parenting overall.

Until I had kids I didn’t realise what a burden it was to look after them full time and never have a break. It ruins your life and your marriage. You need someone to take them occasionally to give you a night off, and you need someone to pick them up from school so you can work. If you’ve left it late to conceive then your parents are probably 70-ish and too old to be of much help. I wish I’d had kids 10-15 years earlier so I could have gone back to work and let my mum pick them up from school. My life as a whole would be much better.

It has been documented that with increasing education women tend to have fewer children later. I wonder to what extent this is a true choice of whether the nature of careers and finding suitable partners really make this a forced issue?

Are there many examples of successful graduate women who have had children early? I am sure there are many just not in my immediate sphere.

Having elderly parents unable to significantly help with childcare can be a real disadvantage. (personally experience). I now feel guilty that I may be to old myself to look after any potential grandchildren.

I do have pangs of guilt that my children's grandparents won't have been around for significant life events of my children.

@Blomh Would your mum really have been able to pick them up though, or would she have been working?

It makes me feel a bit sad that I probably won't be able to offer childcare to my grandkids in the same way as my mum has helped me. DC are 6 and 9 and my mum is 72. She's starting to tire a bit now with them but we need a bit less from her too. She helped a lot when they were babies/toddlers. I will be at least her age now I would say if mine choose to have kids. I was 36 and 39 when I had them.

But on the other hand, we have been financially secure, able to pay nursery costs easily and DS starting private school this year. The year DD leaves school will be the year we can both access our pensions so should be able to support uni as well if needed. If I was 10 years younger things would look a little different financially.

Until I had kids I didn’t realise what a burden it was to look after them full time and never have a break. It ruins your life and your marriage. You need someone to take them occasionally to give you a night off, and you need someone to pick them up from school so you can work. If you’ve left it late to conceive then your parents are probably 70-ish and too old to be of much help. I wish I’d had kids 10-15 years earlier so I could have gone back to work and let my mum pick them up from school. My life as a whole would be much better.

My mum helped a lot when the dc were younger but would never have committed to doing all the pick ups as she has her own life. Plus between working p/t, hybrid & flexi DH & I can manage it ourselves, depends on your job & position. My dc still go any stay over etc at my 70yr old mums though.

I personally think we are having children too late, but I understand that people don't feel set up to have them younger and havent met the right person etc. My own mum was 35 having me, her first, so it's not like we all have kids young in my family.

Part of the issue tho is that these days you get to have your cake and eat it without any commitment, which I personally think is bad for society.

I'm 38 now and we had our eldest aged 21. Were we ready financially or career wise? No, not back then but she gave us the impetus to get sorted and by the time I'm 39 she'll be 18. My parents are late 60s early 70s and in good health still. I personally think it's better to have them younger I'm lots of ways.

Teens? Definitely not, I could barely look after myself at that age. Made all kinds of idiotic decisions through inexperience and immaturity. It is also physically riskier - teen births are often complicated deliveries as the body isn’t fully developed.

Mid 20s, when you’ve matured a bit? Fine. And tbh, my mother, grandmother and great grandmother all started their families in their 20s, not their teens. Despite leaving school at 12-16 and going out to work. I just don’t think many women find the idea of teen motherhood appealing.

@Yepidid but plenty of women in the past did have babies in their 40s due to lack of contraception, obviously it wasn’t their first but nonetheless it did happen.

I had my ds at 45.

By then, I was established in my career, knew what I wanted, had travelled, was financially stable, not dependent on anyone and was resourceful & capable. I coped with working full time, while raising my ds as a single mum.

I worked hard at my fitness to ensure I could keep up. I'm now 60 and ds is 16. We have a nice life, no issues. I still run, cycle, practice martial arts, work full time.

For me, it has worked well. Perhaps it is a family trait, my dm was 42 when she had me, and 44 when she had dbrother. But that meant she died before ds was born, so I have no elder caring responsibilities.

Biologically early to mid twenties is best. But that is not how our society is set up.

I teach 7 year olds and 3 of them have mothers in their 50s, over half the mothers in my class are 40+. I've been teaching almost 30 years and there has definitely been a shift. There have always been older parents, but where I teach, it has become the norm.
I don't know how my own body would have coped with the hormone assault of having a child, closely followed by menopause but I'm glad I had a breather between them (I'm 51 now and has my youngest at 35).
Whilst the majority of the older parents I come into contact with are absolutely delightful, a fair few are very highly anxious and I do wonder if there is a link.