Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

If you have a child at 40/45, then you're dealing with a young family and aged parents at the same time, whereas having them younger they're adults by the time you're facing care for your elderly parents.
I had mine between 21/32, I'm relieved the youngest is now 18 and at uni, I'm still young and healthy to enjoy life and not an exhausted pensioner with teenagers.

I mean from a societal level perhaps, but for many women it's beneficial to have an established career/income before having children etc. Personally for me I travelled the world with my job in my 20s and had a brilliant time; I value that time more than time in my 40s/50s having a grown up child and in theory (I know it's not always the case) having more freedom. I won't have as much energy, meet so many people my age doing the same thing in those years as I was then. It's also meant I could go part time comfortably when DS started school and be on a decent wage in a job I was familiar and happy in- I wouldn't have had that luxury if I was younger and have never wanted to rely on a man for money.

I think as a society there are too many people going to university and in particular too few career options that begin at 16. Think back to say even the 1990s where nursing could start then, the police not much later, and other non-degree options.

Provide those and have better housing options (or just enough houses), and I think the age of having children would on average reduce.

Name changed as extremely outing unless others are in this situation! I had my first at 20 and my 2nd at 40. I wish I'd have had them both in my 20s when I had the energy. I'm too tired for a teenager and grandparenting duties and work and upcoming caring duties when my parents get to that stage of life. I made do at 20 and have built a very good life despite what people like to assume about young parents. I really wish we'd stop pushing this narrative of you need to be financially perfect to have a family. When I had my 2nd my peers were struggling to have their 1st, many didn't manage it, I count my blessings that had I not had my 2nd at least I'd have had a family of my own.

I agree. Entry level admin jobs once were the domain of the school leaver, now many are graduate entry.

It depends on the person and circumstances surely.
Had DD late thirties as didn't meet my husband til 34, very glad I waited for the right person, lots of people I know had kids early or mid twenties and are now divorced as they are different people.
We have both sets of parents who dote on her, late 60s, all healthy.
She has benefited from us being well educated, financially secure so I can work pt and do all schools runs, we are both very well travelled and lived abroad so don't feel like we missed out on anything. My bf had her late teens and is now studying for a degree/forging a career while we are at the top of our pay scales and can afford to take her on five very lovely holidays this year, give her a comfortable life with good experiences and no financial worries.
Our best friends who are thirty ish seem just as knackered as we are tbh.
It may be biologically easier, but I'm not sure about mentally. I'd have been a very different and more selfish parents at 20. Personally I wouldn't have wanted to have been trapped by a mortgage and childcare.

These threads are always full of women saying they are too tired at 50.

I am 50 and peri-menopausal with a 7 year old and have a 20 year old. I am less restless than I was 13 years ago but not a worse parent. I am about exactly the same kind of parent.

I take care with my health. I think that is so important. We are living a long time. Our entire life spans are shifting. We need to take care.

I think it depends on whether you're a single parent or not and what type of career you have too.

Personally I think it's terrible. I did not go to college or university, I have a background in admin and when I was made redundant last year I was job hunting for similar roles. The amount of requirements including a degree that companies were asking for was ridiculous, and for wages of £11 an hour. I earn more than that now with no qualifications! A degree is really not a necessity to do a basic admin role.

My cut off for having a baby would have been 33.
Having a baby past 40s nooooooo way or even 36 i dont think id want to be doing school runs and nights or teens going in to my 50s .

Imo. There is never a good time, and with every age you have kids there’s some kind of sacrifice to be made. Of course there is.

20s - missing out on freedom and ‘fun’, possibly not as financially secure. Counter that with best time biologically, more energy and higher chance of having generational support & being around for your grandkids for longer. More time with your kids

30s - at a slight disadvantage with every year that passes, risk factor wise and biologically. More likelihood to be established which brings its own freedom: reduce work hours and be very present for DC, or afford to provide more opportunities for DC.

I think it all balances out in the end usually if the parents are loving, dependable and put in effort - however you interpret that! There’s no ideal or unideal age, it’s so circumstantially unique!

@Lookatmeichangedmyname
Financially perfect no, financially secure yes.
I got pregnant first time with dd late thirties, we know loads of people who have struggled with fertility in their twenties.

I started a family in my early 30s, the only reason I wish we’d started earlier would have been to have more time with DC. Apart from that, no regrets, we have financial stability and I have no yearning to be off doing things that would be more difficult with DC.

We have 3 sets of grandparents who all want to be involved and have no issues with being too tired!

The mistake we make is assuming by the time they turn 18, we will be done. Often this can be one of the trickiest times of parenting, whilst dealing with menopause and elderly parents as well. I am exhausted as l also have a physical job, l am finding l am more tired now than when children were young.

It's good that things worked out the way you wanted. I would have loved to have had children earlier but it wasn't to be for several reasons, all beyond my control.

Probably but by the time I had my first at 33 I had paid off my mortgage on a house, was earning enough to go part time and get paid a reasonable amount and was completely focussed on them.

Had my youngest at 35. I thought it was a good age to have a baby. I'm early 50s now and definitely don't have the same energy looking back, but I don't think that matters because I don't need to entertain him now. But I have an age gap between my children and my eldest had 3 great grandparents, but they'd all died by the time my youngest was born, which I was sad about.

I had mine between 24 and 28. I now have grandchildren and regularly look after one, he lives closest tome. It's tiring.

Being able to afford children by putting it off until you mid 30s or otherwise is a gamble, there's no guarantee that you'll be in a career or have a nice house.

This. I am a 50 year old with an 8 year old. I look after my health and don't feel particularly tired; certainly not too tired to enjoy doing things with my DC. I may be one of the oldest at the school gate but I'm certainly not one of the unhealthiest - I'm a healthy weight; never smoked or taken drugs; light drinker and exercise regularly. As PPs have said, people live longer now and I think people not taking care of their health is more of a risk. My parents are mid 70s, in good health and also enjoying being active grandparents.

I didn't delay having DC because of career but because my first marriage broke down and I met my second husband, DC's father, when I was older. I'm loving being a parent and DC has a big extended family. Everyone's circumstances are different.

My grannies generation had children in their late 30s/early 40s they just started much earlier & had more dc.

Biologically it's better to have children in your 20s. But I definitely didn't want kids in my 20s.

Hate posts like these. Yes of course we are having babies older but there are plenty of reasons for this including financial, educational and I think a lot also struggle with fertility issues.

it just sounds like you want to be insensitive OP @mids2019

Honestly I think it depends on the person. Most of my friends and colleges had children around 28-30 and to me and in my experience that would be the cut off point.
Health,tiredness things you cant predict like relationships breaking down would all (by me) have been coped with better at a younger age.
I cant imagine menopause and school runs/lack of independence from kids and work.
But then i had no family or father support. Im so greatful that they will be older and more understanding when i go though it properly.
My 2 friends are 49 with an 8 year old and 53 with a 12 and 13 year old. There is a very common pattern of the kids being palmed off on anyone that will take them and shit loads of screen time with headphones on.
But that might just be them and no correlated with age.

My DM was 70 when she become a GM.
She isn't as hands on as she'd like.

my retirement age is 68 & many younger gms are still working so can’t help with childcare.

My parents where 10 years younger than me when they became parents compared to me.
They are in their 60s now and play a fun active roll in their young grandchildren's lives. The first grandchild is in their teens and has gone away on holidays alone with them - cultural ones and sporting and musical events

By the time my children are the eldests age my parents will be in their late 70s. They absolutely won't have the same experience of them as grandparents

My ex husband father was 40 when he was born and again my ex was 40 when our first was born. His dad is "old" plays little to no part in their lives

I wish I had been younger but career and finances and fertility got in the way. I also wanted to be married first. My sibling wasn't bothered so had children younger. I think they had it "right"