Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

In theory, I would love to have had kids at 20, and be a super involved grandparent at 40, and be a great grandparent at 60. On the other hand I barely knew who I was at 20. I don't think that I would have had much patience.

Yes it’s like biologically it’d probably be better for women to have children early-mid 20s but in every other aspect it’s rubbish for women. Little time for university, getting a career, finding a good partner, travelling, buying a house or starting saving for one.

@LameBorzoi .

Completely agree and I guess most people are in a similar position. I guess at 50 I feel that biology wins and although I suppose we had children at a socially and financially acceptable age we are to be frank knackered! Dealing with early teens and elderly parents isn't fun at times coupled with all the help from grandparents essentially lost because of their age .....

I don't know what the answer is if there is one😐

In our western societies it makes sense to have children later, say in your 30s because it takes so long to become financially secure, own a home etc. We also have the fairly modern concept of wanting to live a little first, travel the world, do lots of partying etc. It's seen as a bad thing to settle down too early.
However, from a biological point of view, of course it makes sense to have children at a you get age. I remember learning that women are actually most fertile at age 24 which is also the age men find us most desirable. That's probably the optimal time to breed, from a purely biological point of view.
I had mine at 35 and 38 simply because I wasn't with the right person before then. I do wish I'd had them earlier in my late 20s perhaps. I would have had more time with them, more time with any future grandkids (although I don't mind at all if they don't have children), they would have had more time with their grandparents (who are all now too frail to really enjoy them). I also just think it would have been good to have been younger for their childhood. I'm 50 this year and have a 13 and 11 year old. I mean it's fine really but I'm perimenopausal, a bit stiff and tired, often grumpy and just want to be on my own. It would be great if I was 10 years younger!
I think women often feel great in their late 30s/early 40s but obviously things can change a lot once you reach your late 40s and menopause.

Yes

@CatherineCawoodsScarf .

Agreed.

Waterproofs me though it seems entirely unusual for women to have children at these ages. Young motherhood seems to be frowned upon and there are so many barriers for this to be a choice?

Wouldn’t that mean that more women had children with waste of space men? One of the big reasons for delaying for many of my friends was actually getting to know the chap they were having kids with…

I had children at 20, 30, 33. I'm a much better parent to my younger ones than I was to my eldest when he was younger. I've got more patience and I'm more adept at managing the other parts of life that make parenting smoother. I'm also in a much better/more supportive relationship and we have more disposable income as a family.

I don't think it's ideal to have children younger, I do think the model of "career ladder" probably is what needs to change really. The assumption built into this is that young people don't need to be financially independent and can live off their parents for years - not the case for everyone. Why not return to apprenticeship type models in many industries, where you learn on the job for a reduced amount of pay, maybe also with accommodation provided or subsidised? Or a hybrid model with some theoretical study and lots of practical experience and shadowing.

Then later on with the career ladder type model the jobs lower down on the scale involve longer hours/more time commitment, and it's only higher up that flexibility is possible. It makes it difficult to have a career change if you have children if the other parent isn't available to be a SAHP or is higher up on that particular model having "unlocked" the more flexible jobs.

People don't generally stay in one job for life any more, and home responsibilities, caring for elderly parents etc is much more split and often occurs at the same time. It would make sense if work would be more flexible to reflect/support this. Of course that doesn't really work because the cost of living keeps rising and it's not like there's some kind of top down entity controlling how much things cost or the labour market works. It's all conflicting motivations really.

I wasn't any less tired with DS1 btw. I don't think this makes a huge amount of difference. It's just very tiring to have children and work at the same time.

I look at dbil and dsil who has their ds ages 36 and 39 and think that while I’m happy for them, I’m very glad I had mine age 27 and 29. I had more energy that I have now at 41. Dd1 is nearly 16, dtds are almost 13 and we can just hang out. It’s lovely. In 10 years time dh and I will hopefully be going on two holidays a year and watching our dc being adults. Dbil and dsil will have an 11 year old. But they’re happy so there’s no right or wrong. I didn’t make my choices with any of this in mind and I was lucky dh and I met young and have grown together. So many of my friends married arseholes.

I think so, I'm 32 and have 2 children 8 and 6. My parents are 55 and my Granny is 78. It's lovely that 4 generations spend time together. I love the support of having young parents that actively want to do things with their grandchildren.

I had one in my twenties and two in my thirties finishing at 34. It was a good age to have children physically I would say. But I was lucky I had a husband, house, family support. Not everyone has that at that stage of life.

Not necessarily. It is better to have children in your twenties, as you have more energy and stamina.

The trouble is, society demands degrees now for practically every job, and then everyone has a degree, so a lot of people do even more education.

By the time you're finished, you need to save for a place to live and the years tick by.

I have also read that a man's age can be associated with having an autistic child.

I'm 49 and my children are adults, I can't imagine the stress of teens alongside aging parents and I have great respect for anyone jugging that.

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

I was pregnant for the first time at 21 and all done by 30. I’m in my early 40s now and have older teen, younger teen and one still at primary. I’ve always worked, since I was 14. I have a degree, and was a homeowner before becoming a parent ?

My mother was careing for elderly parents when she was in her 50s but only for a short time before she became too ill herself. So when I was in my early 20s I had a baby, a job, a house, was caring both for elderly grandparents and my mother with cancer. I became an orphan at 23 when my own DC was 22 months. I continued to care for my grandparents after my mother death. I don’t think caring responsibility at either end is the preserve of any age group.

It would be biologically better but not financially. I can’t turn back time. I had mine late 30s and I’m turning 50 this year with a 13 and 10 year old. I am financially secure and a flexible job. And crucially, I was in a senior enough position to afford full time childcare during nursery age, and a flexible enough job to organise my own diary.

However, I do wish I have kids younger. Maybe 3-4 years will be enough. But I don’t know how my life would have changed. I have done my travels, I have done my care free life. I am old enough to enjoy a quiet life around children now.

Really dependent on demographic. I had my DC at 18, my best friend had hers at 21 (we are 34 now). Neither were planned though. Most people I know had children before age 30. We live in the east midlands where property is still relatively affordable and it's all very working class, a lot of us didn't go to university and learned trades instead, etc.

I had mine at 32 and 38. I am 48 now and probably have more energy and patience because my priorities and lifestyle is healthier.

I wouldn't have been comfortable with what I would have seen as restrictions on my life in my 20s. I have friends who did have children early and they haven't managed to get where they want professionally nor social life wise.

This is because as you said society is not set up that way. They are still housing adults due to a housing crisis here , (Ireland). They are helping with grandchildren because of childcare fiasco. Personally I prefer having my 20s for me, sorting housing and professional before taking on children.

Loads of people have kids younger, just not in my circles, and possibly not yours.

At my dc school there are many younger parents. Those who had a child in their mid 30s mostly also have adult children

What most of them don't have is higher level education and financial stability

I had my son at 21, my siblings had their kids very late in life. The latest one is a year old and my DS is 40!
I feel so sad that I'll never see my nieces and nephews really grow up. I'll have to live to 100 to see the latest one reach 40. My DS will be 80 on my nephew's 40th birthday.
My siblings are much younger than me too.
The younger ones will not have any family quite early on in their lives because we will all have died.
I guess they will have each other.
I had mine at 21 and then worried about a career later on which was fine, I had plenty of time.
My siblings did house and career first. I feel really blessed that I have had loads of time with DS and many happy years to come all being well wheras my siblings won't have that long.

That's my thought too. I am the exception in my friendship group, having got together with my now husband aged 18, everyone else didn't meet their partner until much later. If people felt they had to have kids in their 20s they would be more likely to settle for someone less than ideal.

We are living older as a species than we ever have done so I think part of this journey is that we have to take care of ourselves better. It’s a marathon and not a sprint since a high proportion of my generation will live to 100 (if we look after ourselves!) We know so much about nutrition, health, modern
medicine, how the human body works but obesity and health issues relating to poor diet are increasing. If you assume you are going to live to 90/100 then there are so many things which we can do differently to make more of that time enjoyable and spend it in good health.

I feel like true feminism would be a society that facilitates women (who want to) being able to have a child in their 20s, without a huge education/ career/ financial penalty.

I don't know what that would look like in reality.

There are pro and cons for any age and every situation is unique and personnel- but generally on a population level yes current societal set up is pushing parenthood to later ages.

We were old for communities we grew up in - some of DH friends and slightly older cousin are GPs - and younger than peers who went to university.

I'm glad we didn't wait longer but there were downsides to my career - and we had saved bulk of deposit for house but our eldest was 3 before we bought and then a house that needed work which took time and money away from other thing - which wasn't ideal or way round we expected. I think waiting we'd have been in roughly the same place but at a later age.