Are we having children too late in society?

[mids2019]

We had children at around 35 and now in our 50s we are feeling a little bit physically tired. We have stressful jobs and accompanied with child care this leads to a full on life. Now added to the mix it looks like our parents are starting the slow cognitive and physical decline of old age (both in their 70s).

This brings the question is it better to have children earlier in life (if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Modern society seems to make this model extremely difficult with university and early career expectations really not taking into account what would be considered in the middle class western world as 'an early age' for birth. Housing and general finance don't help either.

I work with a few women in graduate careers in their early twenties (often in training) and it is an assumption that they do not have children when we talk. It seems that child birth at this age for this demographic is so infrequent we just zone out of the possibility that there may be chikdren.

Is society going in the right direction. Will women in general have children earlier if society, careers etc. were more geared to early childbirth? Obviously we have to take into account a suitable partner and that is whole other discussion!

Society has changed. My parents married early aged 20 in the 70s and had me a few years later. They were able to buy their own house with a mortgage and no big deposit or parental support. There generally wasn't much emphasis on travelling or holidays etc for most people.

DH and I still haven't bought a house despite having a large deposit and have been renting for 15 years. If we'd been able to buy and living costs weren't so high we would have had children earlier, at least 5 years earlier. I had my children late 30s

Ideally yes 20's is the ideal time.

In practice, I was an emotional train-wreck in my 20's and would have made a terrible mother. Also had no financial stability and was in shared houses. A lot of women I k ow who did have kids at that age have since split with the Dads - I honestly think quite a lot of men are just too immature to handle the responsibility at that age.

I had my DS at 38. Obviously there's disadvantages to that too. But I know I'm a better mother now than I would have been in my 20's.

It is what it is but in my 40s now and I do feel pretty knackered. Kids a bit older now but do still need my attention a lot. Lost both my parents to illness when they were only in their 50s too so I'm inclined to think yes overall it would be better to start earlier in life. It's so important to do it with the right person though and very easy to make mistakes in love when younger.

It's an interesting question. I'm in the situation that I'm about to become a grandparent at the age of 41 due to my step daughter (23) being due any day. My partner is 48. My biggest concern about her having a child at this age is that we can't help out much as grandparents - we both work and still rely on my parents for childcare for our youngest (9). My step daughter has already spoken of not returning to work as she won't be able to afford childcare with all grandparents still working. It's a tough one!

Yes and the huge demand for fertility services and care backs this up. Unfortunately our society does not make it easy for young people to set up home and flourish, with or without children. I know older adults whose 'children' are in 30's but living at home with parents. Thanks to our crap government systems and idiotic, selfish voting by those who did benefit from nhs/education/precriptions/affordable homes etc it's all been fecked for the young.

We started toddler group this morning and I was the youngest parent by far! I’m 29 with a 2 yr old and a 7 yr old. I’m always the youngest parent wherever I go. In DS7 class, all mums are in their 40s. I think it’s mad! I’d never be able to parent such young children in my 40s. I’m already exhausted 24/7 and my last pregnancy at 28 took its toll on my body for sure!

Older mothers are definitely the norm now. I think it’s a combination of things: education, career, men not ready to settle down/not keen on parenthood, cost of living, childcare is insane….

(if possible. Biologically I would have thought late teens/early twenties would be an optimum as out bodies are at a maximum fitness and we are physically prepared?

Physically prepared yes, but you only need to look on the many threads on here to see that a lot of people still see/treat their early 20s adults as kids themselves

I used to teach teenage parents, physically those aged 17 and over had so much more energy with their kids than some older parents, however, due to financial constraints they generally ended up in awful damp housing, struggling to pay bills, and having to decide between a hot meal or heating when they went home. Their kids often had limited opportunities compared to those with older parents, those who stayed at home with family still struggled as relationships can be very strained. So emotionally, didn't do so well. However, I still see some of them who are now in their 30s, kids leaving school and they're young enough to look at starting a career and probably have a better idea of what they want to do than they did at 16. Some are grandparents in their 30s and able to provide help and support better than grandparents in their 80s can. Swings and roundabouts, so many factors to consider and individual cases vary so much.

Children change your life forever. Once you become a parent you will always have another persons life and well-being to put before your own.

I think women are now just not as brainwashed in to being told that their purpose in life is to find a husband, keep the house clean and give him children.

I think having children late in life gives you time to travel, spend your money as you wish, get to known who you truly are, make your mistakes and learn from them and then save and be sensible ready to look after a human being.

If I'd started earlier ( 35 with first child) I'd possibly have had another child. The reality is that I didnt meet anyone until later and had an absolute blast in my 20's before having them. I took long periods off work to travel, left jobs to go back into full time education and retrain, partied hard ( it was the 90's!) . If I had children in my 20's I'd have been done by now but I don't think I would he able to do the same things now I'm older than when I was younger. I am in the same position as OP 50 with teens. I don't mind it. My mum is in her 70's and not in the best of health. She absolutely loves having them round. They chat on the family WhatsApp with my brother and she likes to get involved in the chatter. We are going to see my husbands elderly relatives today and they will sit with them and play card games all afternoon. Would they do that if they were adults with lives of their own? I don't know.
The other isdue with this argument is that it always ends up as the fault of women for wanting to ' have it all' meaning an education, a decent job and children.

If I’d had children before age 25, I most definitely would have ended up divorced from that partner. I would have been miserable and no way could I have earned my doctorate, travelled the world, or have the fulfilling family life we have now.

It’s one of my core beliefs that I’m raising my children to see me as a role model for a good life - educated, financially secure, madly in love with their father (not settled). We have flexible diaries so we can prioritise exercise every day, we go on dates, up to 5 family holidays a year. I didn’t want to perpetuate the whole ‘be better, make better decisions than me' thing that some of the older generations seem to say. This idea that our parents had to sacrifice their hopes and dreams for us - why can’t we instead say ‘Look at how I live my dream, you should live yours too!’ Biology has its limits, but for most of us, we need a bit of time to mature emotionally, financially, and romantically.

Purely selfishly…I wouldn’t have my organic chemistry PhD in that case…not allowed in labs with novel compounds when pregnant for obvious reasons. Sounds like a thoroughly bad plan from any academic girl’s point of view. And then I wouldn’t have had my decade to prove myself in a challenging career…which has left me fulfilled in my work life, able to make decisions that suit my family because I’ll always be employable at a very good wage, and in an equal partnership with DH. So nope, would suck from my point of view. And frankly, I’m part of I suspect the large majority (silent) who had DC in their early to mid 30s with no intervention or tracking or anything other than having lots of sex with my long term, committed DH!

I was late 30s when having DS - not intentionally, just a case of timing when meeting DH and taking a while to conceive . I can recall finding the very early years tiring but never felt any different in terms of being an older mum with primary age/teen .

I think the hardest part was going through menopause with a teen and elderly relatives needing a lot of help. Not too bad for me though as I worked PT.

I think the difficulty will be more around being an older grandparent, and I'm hoping for grandchildren sooner rather than later.

Most of my friends had their children late 20s.

Yanbu......it seems to be seen as a flex on here, it isn't.

My mum had me when she was almost 40, the reality is I would have had many more years with her if she'd had me sooner, and yes, the usual will spout anyone can die young, etc etc. But she didn't, yes, she died relatively young at 63, but if she'd had me even ten years earlier I'd have had my mum into my 30s instead if having no one at 23

It is everyones own choice, OP would have a totally different outcome on aibu but I think having dc from 40 onwards is strange. Having a 10 year old, nearly a tween, at 50 would be hideous imo. Plus the fact that the older the parent the younger the adult child when parents might be slowing up a bit due to health, i.e 30 and 70. Just the time when the adult child may be raising their own family and working.
A baby at 45? No on so many levels, it's about the childs future life, not a selfish need to procreate.

I had Dd at 19 and Dd had her child at 31.
We had a good life and I don't regret having her so young.
I also love being a hands on Nan and help with childcare whenever I can.

I had my first age 26. I had absolutely no idea, I wasn't financially secure, I was not in a good relationship, I had nothing. I muddled through.

I had another baby age 46 and I am married to a wonderful man, we have a secure home, we have a caravan, loads of life experience and wisdom, way more chilled out and this time, having a baby is a more magical experience which we both have time to enjoy.

The downside of course is age but if I could choose again, I'd still have a baby now and not in my 20s.

I eat better now, exercise better and am just a better person. With a good diet and exercise then I should live another 30 years or more.

If you had kids at 35 and are now into your 50’s then why are you concerned with childcare?

I had mine at the same age, and am now looking to the second half of my life. 1 dd is at uni, the second is nearly 16, already pretty independent and once the can drive won’t need the time input either.

i am investigating going back to or learning a new sport, planning holidays, and going pt/retiring early. I am no more “tired” or less physically fit than I was at 30.

my dad died when I was in primary, my mum is in her 80’s and did plenty with the kids- still does childcare for my brother’s 10 year old.

you can’t predict how well you’ll be at any age.

I am on the extreme other end of the spectrum. I had my daughter at 16.

To be honest, I wouldn't change a thing, but I totally get why many people can't or don't want to have children young. 16 would be a nightmare for the vast majority of western women. For me I was fortunate. I have a huge family who were happy to support me and help me, my daughter was literally raised by a village. So I was still able to get an education. I had the boundless energy of a teenager so cracking on with almost zero sleep was fine. And against all odds, me and her dad stayed together (well, ended up together after a brief interlude!)

While I appreciate this situation would be awful for most, I'm now only in my 30's with a 16yo. She's happy, healthy and fiercely independent. Already planning travelling, university, life. We have a great relationship. In a few years she'll have flown the nest and my husband and I'll still be young, and have so much time ahead of us to do... Well, whatever we like.

Meanwhile a lot of my peers are just getting started, bogged down in the nappies and sleepless nights and sore nipples and bickering with their equally exhausted spouse... With COL on top of everything else. And I just can't help thinking "thank fuck I got that all out of the way when I was young and full of vim and vigor!"

It's a shame Western society isn't more geared towards women having their babies in their mid-late twenties, which I think would generally be the ideal.

Yes.

My DM was 70 when she become a GM.
She isn't as hands on as she'd like.

If my kids are similar and have kids in late 30s/early 40s I'll be going on 80!?!

Life dont always go to plan for many.
There is always gonna be stigma on any age you have a child.
I had mine early in life not planned i had one at 16 and my last at 18.
Now they are adults one is 21 this year youngest is 19.
I stayed single my choice.
I would not change it for the world i never missed out on anything as some would say.
Im now in my late 30s and loving life im more confident now than i ever was.
I will always be a parent but i dont do parenting anymore.
I managed to work hard to become a support worker for young mums so i know it can be done.
I took a lot of bullying but came through it.
You can have a dead beat dad at any age.

My sister had her first baby at 41 now going through a divorce baby is 3 now and truth be told she regrets it.

Fair to say our society hasn't been structured with a view to making childbearing easier for women. Knowing what we do about how long it takes for brains to develop, I don't know that it's a bad thing for women to wait a few years beyond the physical optimum time for childbearing. But it would be better if we didn't have a society where often people feel it's just not possible until the woman is of an age where it's likely to be harder on her physically.

I had my children at 22,23,25 and the last at 26. I am 34 now and I couldn't imagine having a baby but I completely understand the reasons to wait.

I always wanted kids - met DH at 18 he was 20 and also wanted kids.

Took us a decade to have our first as frankly that was as earliest we felt financially able to after we had finished our education and started our careers got married saved up some money - and ideally we'd have waited a few more years for careers and stability but had unfounded fertility concerns.

IL who had DH at 19 and 20 thought us too young and many of our uni peer and DH colleges thought us mad - now they are in similar places older ill parents still expensive housing costs but with young kids - were as our are teens who can be left. I can't say most of them did that much more travel either.

I think if we were at same point now we'd be older to get to same place where we felt able - and years with young kids even then were hard - because economics are even harder for the generations below us - and we're only late 40s.

I'd say that for most people, the decision is 90% financial these days. They just can't afford the monetary hit of giving up two full-time salaries, even for a short while.

The prospect of then going back to work full-time, having to pay huge sums so someone else can look after your child, while your entire salary is swallowed up by the costs of that very same childcare, is not exactly the position anyone yearns for.