I have fucked up badly

[Shamefullhouse]

Omg I have Been find 400 for for tipping 250 if I pay within 10 days .

This would have been during in my time of struggling badly with my house and the state it was in my bins getting over full and really struggling with everything really badly.

I know I should not have done it but I was struggling. As far as I know they are talking about a couple of bits I took to the communal bins . ( they don't belong to me house) but to the flats behinde me. I couldn't get the bits in the bin. So I left them next to the bin. They would have been bits of wood from a unit i think .

Well done.

I panicked when I realised I’d done something wrong recently. It’s not my nature, it’s something I generally work hard at not doing and I was genuinely shocked to discover I’d done it…. Speeding.

We all make mistakes. Some of them proper painful!

Every time we ride one out, we’re left stronger to face next week’s challenges!

I did see this comment . But I did not reply because it felt to much. It also felt like a kind of trap. I'm not saying that what the poster was doing . But that is how it made me feel.

I have explained why I got myself into the state I did. Why things are not as simple or straightforward as people think. I did ad some sensitive information to explain that. But then me explaining that would be seen as an excuse.

But that post feels hard because I did put my hands up right away from my op saying I messed up. But not many took that on board.

I feel like this reply is hard to write . My mind is not vert clear at the moment. I just feel that what ever my reply it works be seen as an excuse

@Shamefullhouse that post is all about her mother. It bears no relation to you. I haven’t followed your threads but I’ve noticed them. I’ve noticed a woman overwhelmed by a shit situation but taking control and making changes a little at a time until life starts to get more manageable. I saw your early posts where you didn’t know where to start. I saw a later one where you’d done the most creative paint job I’ve ever seen and transformed your sons’ room. I wasn’t aware until this thread all the challenges you’ve been surviving.

The woman who did all this- all this- is nothing like @Josette77 mother.

Honestly you aren’t so let it float past in the sewer.

In fact all the judgemental accusatory posts can float past in the gutter where they belong. They don’t get to hang around near you, cos that’s not you.

It's nice that you have seen some of that stuff. I know its not me. Not really. If it was I would not be trying so hard I would have just given up a long time ago.

@Shamefullhouse But that post feels hard because I did put my hands up right away from my op saying I messed up. But not many took that on board.I feel like this reply is hard to write . My mind is not vert clear at the moment. I just feel that what ever my reply it works be seen as an excuse

That post was hard because it was a poster (yet again) making assumptions and letting their personal circumstances and experiences get in the way and trying to make them fit your situation.

Even though your situation is totally different!

But @Shamefullhouse you've had the courage to reply even though it was hard for you. And you're spot on when you say I did put my hands up right away from my op saying I messed up. But not many took that on board.

Listen to @pickledandpuzzled who has summed it up so well

@Shamefullhouse that post is all about her mother. It bears no relation to you. I haven’t followed your threads but I’ve noticed them. I’ve noticed a woman overwhelmed by a shit situation but taking control and making changes a little at a time until life starts to get more manageable. I saw your early posts where you didn’t know where to start. I saw a later one where you’d done the most creative paint job I’ve ever seen and transformed your sons’ room. I wasn’t aware until this thread all the challenges you’ve been surviving.

The woman who did all this- all this- is nothing like @Josette77 mother.

Honestly you aren’t so let it float past in the sewer.

In fact all the judgemental accusatory posts can float past in the gutter where they belong. They don’t get to hang around near you, cos that’s not you.

Believe it!! Because it's true :) x

Yeah I understand that. But sometimes I don't understand why so many people don't understand, they just think everything is simple. Take it to the tip, get a cab. Cabs won't even take stuff like that not a a hope in hell round here. I don't think many people understand that some people are completely on their own with no one.

Even when my house was really bad and I touched on why it had got so bad. And it was now time to starting living in a better way. There were a good handful of people that just can't understand why my situation would get me into the state I was in. And I myself have a lack of understanding of why they don't get it.

@Shamefullhouse Yeah I understand that. But sometimes I don't understand why so many people don't understand, they just think everything is simple.

You've hit the nail on the head!

And, like you I don't have the answer to that ...........

maybe people don't stop to think how they would actually cope in that situation - it's easy to just type out a quick reply without actually thinking - #imallrightjack #sowhyarentyou

maybe people have never been in that situation, so just can't imagine what it's like to have to deal with it #thisdoesntactuallyhappendoesit ?? #becauseicantimagineit! #soobviouslyitdoesnthappen

maybe people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they just haven't got the time to care ......... or just don't care #butiliketopretendimmakingadifference #and iwantyoutothinkimacaringperson

maybe people have just always lived their life perfectly and have never made a mistake! - at all! - ever! 😂😂 #iamperfect #sowhyarentyouperfect

It's a (very sad) fact of life that people won't always understand what someone is saying.
It should be that simple! - and yet it's not because people are all different.

Sometimes you find people who know how to understand - and sometimes you find people who don't know how to understand.

Life is definitely not easy sometimes! ................. even though some people say it is 🙄

I do know that you're heading in the right direction tho- and you know it too !! - ignore all the people judging you and trying to make you feel bad

Yeah your totally right. I could question it for ever there will never be an answer.

There is now made up bullshit saying I have taken money from people on mn. Wtf. It's not been said on mn it's else where . Saying I have taken money from people here. Honestly there's enough true stuff that people can rip me apart for if they chose to. But apparently they have to make stuff up to.

@Shamefullhouse There is now made up bullshit saying I have taken money from people on mn. Wtf. It's not been said on mn it's else where

**Where are they saying this??

I was sharing my own experience and how OP's responses reminded me of my own mom.

It was definitely not a trap.

It was trying to gently point out that feeling guilt and shame are not bad things when we make a mistake, however it's important to know how to manage those feelings.

In fact I was quite clear that we all make mistakes. All of us.

But we need to emotionally learn to sit with that feeling and let it go. Not shame spiral.

I understand OP has had a hard time, but that isn't particularly relevant to a thread about breaking the law.

The fact that it was brought up though is indicative of a thought pattern.

You can be wrong and accept responsibility and move on. The strong emotional response detracts from other things the OP can focus on.

Several times people suggested she step away and let it go. Do something fun with her kids.

Punishing herself over and over is not productive for her or her kids.

Pointing out someone's self destructive thought patterns isn't a cruelty it's a kindness.

I wish OP all the best, but her responses on this thread are alarming and signal a need for some introspection and change.

So all the cardboard box cues and the tonne of white wood is all yours? That's not juts a little bit- sorry that frigging loads. I u destined others have also done it, but that's not in their bins that's around their bins. I'd assume they'd fine all of you if they caught the rest too.

This thread really went downhill. And quickly!

I wasn't offender by your post. I said hiw it made me feel that does not mean I'm right. I was just stating hoe I felt. I even said the post felt to hard not because of you but because of how my head sosce was at the time I just couldn't explain anything to a post like that it was ti much for me at that point . That does not mean there was an issue with your post it means (i) was not in the right head spavecat the time

However as I will say for the10000000th time I did own up to doing wrong it's in my very first post and all over the thread.

Also on this recent post you have said how my struggles have nothing to do with this situation. This just shows that you do not understand that sometimes when things go wrong that it can have a knock on effect of other parts of someone's life. I'm sorry you find thar hard to understand.

I will pm you.

getting a waste clearance company to come and collect your stuff is much cheaper than a skip. In my area it would cost about £50 for them to take the flytipped stuff and the stuff in your garden. Just make sure you ask to see their waste carriers license though to make sure they’re reputable. If you can bear it though I would ask around your neighbours - if one of mine asked me to do a tip run for them I’d say yes and I don’t even know my neighbours that well.

I hope things improve for you OP

Thank you . I have emailed the council hoping they have suggestions hopefully they get back to me today. Faster I can sort it the better .

@Josette77 unfortunately your post didn’t come across as a suggestion that OP stop spiralling and beating herself up, it was more that she was like your mum who never takes responsibility for her mistakes.

I reached out to OP to remind her that she started the thread accepting responsibility- I fucked up- and is therefore not like your mum in the way you suggested.

OP just needed a hand to break the spiralling, but unfortunately repeated posts were about pushing her deeper in.

Have you ever read up on misplaced shame? It’s hugely powerful and destructive. Frustrating though your mum is, you may find a different tactic works better- one that’s less rational and more pragmatic. But I don’t know your mum, of course. I do have a demanding and frustrating mum of my own though!

It's all about priorities really. If you did without 4 takeaways a week and expensive rolls of wallpaper, skip hire would easily be within your reach.

@Shamefullhouse

In our area the council charge £x per X items of bulky rubbish. However they also state x number of black bags can replace an item.

So things like a broken down cabinet would be tied together and one item, a chair or something another, a mattress another and then 12 black bags of rubbish.

Ring the rubbish collections department and ask if you can substitute items in the bulky waste collection for a number of black bags .

If it makes you feel better OP I've flytipped before, I had to hide from the police when I was on my way back home and they were at my door but they didn't have my address so they couldn't get up my arse like they are with you, still felt horrible and shameful 😂Not everyone has been in this position, but alot of people have so don't get yourself in a state over it. Before the pearl clutchers come for me I was stupid and in over my head in my 20s, haven't done it again and I doubt OP will!

Didn't read the full thread but saw you mention you'd emailed the council about it, don't worry if you did it a bit wrong I'm sure they get much harder to understand messages than yours and they'll just follow up. It probably feels like you're in trouble but no ACTUAL person cares, it's very impersonal and they just need to get it fixed but nobody is judging you apart from some weirdos on mumsnet. They'll figure out a payment plan with you that you can afford and it will all blow over. You've come so far with your house and your decorating has been looking great, just remember it's not personal and nobody really cares, they're just doing their job!🤗

It doesn't say that with my council. But I have messaged them to see if there is anything they can suggest. I did tjat yesterday so waiting on a reply

Thank you . Yeah I have emailed them. Couple of posters did offer to help me write it because of the bad spelling, grammar . Which was kind . But I didn't want to give anything else that might maje people jump on me more. As you say there will be other people who write in a similar way to me that contact the council .

@Shamefullhouse That's good, I hope they will help you.

In the meantime, for the refuse on your front garden, the skip bags PPs have mentioned may be a good option.

They are pretty cheap to purchase, and by using it it will be the same as a skip, and not tipping.

Then they can have it collected in a few weeks time (you pay for collection when you ready). Allowing you to pay the fine and sort your front garden to avoid further issues.

They do a range of sizes. I found this for £17 while browsing the B&Q app www.diy.com/departments/hippobag-megabag-1500kg-pack-of-1/54161_BQ.prd

I'm going to look. I have heard of them before a really long time ago and forgot about them till now. I think the hippo bags might be more branded. I think there are other company's as well . I will see what I can find

Well done for taking control of the situation.There are a lot of people on MN who are just never going to understand anyone's life or difficulties that are too different from their own.

Looking forward for the future, it may be worth investing in a cheap junior hacksaw and a Stanley knife to chop stuff up with.
It's more time and energy to expend, but a lot of surprising things can be made to fit domestic bins and recycling bags, or turned into sizes that comply with public recycling bin rules etc. (I'm lucky enough to have graduated to a cheap reciprocal saw, it's life changing!)

Most council 'X item' collections accept things like say dismantled kitchen unit pieces, and a dismantled bathroom cabinet, all taped together neatly, as being one item. General rule of thumb is, can you pick it up and carry it as one lump, and book it as 'assorted wood/ laminate' Xcms x Ycms. Sadly for the environment, cheap brown parcel tape works best on packaging them as a 'one item.

I know it's often not possible, but IME approach dustmen discretely holding a fiver or a tenner, and disposal problems can vanish as swiftly as the money.

As pp said, skip bags are always a good shout. Sometimes local waste companies do their own cheaper versions.

Another one that might or might not be useful for the future, but a bit more complicated:
if you have any friends/reli's who can drive, and depending where you live: look into zip vans and similar.
You join up for £19.50 for a year, which then gives you access to a van for £9 per hour or £84 per day (weekdays) or £10 per hour or £95 per day (weekends) and 60 miles inc fuel.
It can get complicated booking in to some tips with rules about vans, so check, but I found if you book under a known reg no, and then change to that vans reg details once known on the day, it works out. Most need you as the resident to be a passenger with your ID, but once you've figured the systems out, it works well for people with ongoing needs, and is worth the initial headache figuring out how to make the systems come together.