Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

Why the hell have you let it go this far?! Not only is your DDs psychical safety at risk but also her mental health? You either remove her from school until they permanently exclude the other children or you move her to a different school. You also contact the police and press assault charges. Me personally I'd do the same to the girl and much worse, she'd be dead if she did any of that to either of my children but it's not my child, it's yours.

To drill into you just how serious this could end, I was bullied, in similar ways to your DD at school. I ended up self harming and eventually tried to end my life. If you don't want it to get to that point, act now.

I haven’t let it go this far - what do you expect me to do, go in at playtime and follow them around?! I raised it with the teachers from the word go and they have honestly done their best but they can’t force this girl to change her behaviour

A threat to take my DD out until the other girl goes will not work - and she’s in her penultimate term of year 6 I’m not moving her to a new school when she is going to secondary school in September (where this girl will be but I’ve told DD it will be easier to avoid her in big school!).

Apparently it’s almost impossible to exclude children unless they brutally harm someone.

I’m sure you would harm this children but o don’t think having a mother getting arrested for assaulting a minor will help my DD much.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

We are listening to DD and helping her get through this but she is clear she wants to stay in school as she has good friends and the learning support is very good for her. I also think there’s probably a bully like this in every year 6, moving schools may not be the miracle solution we need

I would not suggest it to be a good idea.
It’s not going to achieve what you want.
She’s a primary age child in, what sounds like, a potentially very sad situation. You are only going to make yourself look like a bullying dickhead.
You can bet your arse that the parents who don’t seem to give a crap will suddenly be very invested and will be hunting you down and threatening you with violence or the police.
You would also probably be making it all worse for your child.

"Go in at playtime and follow them around" YES! If that's what it takes, you do that. This is your child, the little girl who you brought into this world, You are the first person she ever trusted to keep her safe and who she goes to when she's scared.
She's in year 6, not doing her GCSEs, and no, secondary school won't protect her from this girl, if anything it'll get worse.
Why should the mother get arrested? She hasn't harmed your DD.

I didn't confront, but I went to the police, with all the evidence from all the school reports backed up by teachers.

They went round and frightened the life out of the bully.

I only confronted the bully in person when it was a member of staff, and even then I was careful to put everything in writing - taking notes at every meeting - to involve SLT from the outset and always ensure that there was a witness to every encounter.

With students who bullied my child (who has scars and diagnosed PTSD from bullying, so we are veterans) I never confronted the child or the parents. It was tempting at times, but it's a really bad idea. I focused my energies on trying to force the school to take an interest and fulfil their basic duty of care, not lie to me and not punish my child for being bullied; that was work enough for anyone.

I would be worried about them going to secondary school together to be honest. You say easier to avoid but not if she actively seeks your daughter out.
My DD had girls like this in her school and I had to move her in the end. Like you say, it’s more often than not a home life situation and copied behaviour. Taking away her break times and punishing the girl will do nothing. The school should have tried alternative interventions.
It is a really hard thing to go through, I feel for you and your daughter.

When are these incidents happening. What exactly have school done to protect your child and prevent this happening?

I’m going to try and be as sensitive as I can - do you have a year 6 child?

Aside from the fact the school do not allow parents to go in and follow kids around at playtime, the only thing that could make things even worse for my DD is her mother does something unforgivably embarrassing like follows her around in the playground. She’s at the age where she gets embarrassed if I chat with a cashier in the supermarket FGS, I’m not in the business of humiliating her.

I will get arrested if I pin a 10yo up against a wall. Hardly helpful to my DD, it achieves nothing.

Secondary school will make it much easier to avoid this girl and no doubt they will all find new friends and victims within the first half term anyway. This girl will soon know her place as a year 7 I’m sure when bigger kids don’t tolerate her crap!

Gah you with your sensible suggestions @Smartiepants79 - you’re right it’s not helpful but it’s the cheery bloody way she greeted me today made me seethe!

I invited them for a play date. I know.
But I thought we might be able to kill them with kindness.
When that didn't work and they'd told DD she was the "ugliest girl in the whole world", I accidentally-on-purpose bumped into them near the yard, arched a brow and said, "Ugliest girl in the world? Really? The world? You really think that? You're smart. Give over. You don't need to be her friend but you do need to stop now. I've still got your mum's number and I'm sure you don't want me to ring her."
To my surprise it worked.
All of that was done in a sweet-but-don't-mess-with-me voice. Because the child in question was bright. Really bright.
They never approached my daughter again.
Could I do it now? I doubt it. It could have backfired. It also could bring raving lunatic threatening parents to the door in your case.
You absolutely need to make sure on your transition form that you want the Head of Year 7 to ensure they are not in the same form or any teaching groups.
I'd have chosen whichever school they weren't going to tbh.

Dd was bullied out of school.. Police were involved but did naff all. So dd's siblings cornered her in the local park and warned her off. Never touched her..
Over 5 years ago and she still crosses the road way from dd now....
As a dc I was bullied. My dm stormed the school yard and told her to leave me alone..
Both good methods ime.

Make sure the secondary school are aware of the issue. Ask for them to be in separate forms.

Keep a diary of EVERYTHING and keep reporting back to school. Of course they will do all they can but bullies are sneaky and will try to get away with unseen incidents and even those threatening looks. Just an idea but can your DD be teamed with another child, preferably a bit older, known not to be messed with, to buddy her at break times? When a bully sees some opposition it can work well. Xx

In the playground and classroom.

They have separated their workspaces and taken away the bully’s playtimes countless times and book ones her countless times. Sadly with 1 TA and 30 kids, all of whom have their own things going on, they can’t always keep their eyes on DD but I know they do their best. It doesn’t help that the parents aren’t just defensive they are totally elusive!

The problem is DD also doesn’t speak up or tell on her when things happen. It’s me that makes the phone call after she comes home to say “BTW this happened today”. There’s a lot of sneaky behaviour when the teacher isn’t looking. She’s afraid this bully will turn her friends against her if she is very obviously ‘snitching’. And the school have lied to the bully and told her “we’ve noticed how nasty you are to Lucy” rather than “Lucy’s mum has complained about you”. But she knows that’s not the case and that DD has come running to me - she tells her to her face “I know the teacher are lying to protect you”. I swear this kid will end up on the front of a tabloid one day.

I'd be up at the school each and every time it happened and id get the police involved and would let the school know that I was doing so. I'd also ask if they've spoken with the kids parents and let them know the police were being contacted also. I don't think it'll stop at secondary unfortunately unless stopped now and may well get worse. A girl I went to primary school with was bullied from the end of primary right up until her fourth year of secondary. It only stopped when she ended up being beaten so badly she ended up with some pretty serious injuries.

This was me from year 4-6. You need to work on her self esteem and boundaries. What can she do to push back and not let their girl loom so large? She’s not powerless and neither are you, though it seems that you’re buying into that dynamic, how are your boundaries etc? Your girl might be kind and compliant but have you taught her that not everybody deserves her kindness or compliance? Have you practiced pushing back or are you happy she gives you an easy time? Basically have you benefited from her compliance and not helped her develop critical thinking and the critical self trust to know when to tell people to do one and not put up with their shit? How is she with authority? Wants approval or can adjust depending on the situation? These are the things to work on with her. Until she has the strong inner voice to say no I deserve better then people will walk over her her whole life and she will say thanks and wonder why she has low self esteem and anxiety.

Taking away playtimes isn't enough. They need to do more to protect her. Keep going up each and every time. Also I'd consider sending her to a martial arts class. Not to beat up the bully but to build her confidence and so she can protect herself if needed.

The school are not keeping your dd safe. What is their anti bullying policy? They need to do more.
Can the girl be moved into a different class? Sit right next to the teacher or TA, as far away from your dd as possible?
In secondary Y11s who misbehave get threatened with not being allowed to prom, do you have a high value end of Y6 event coming up that she could be excluded from?
Is there a way to subtly separate them at break and lunchtime via a club?

Also make very sure that the secondary school are aware of the situation. Get in touch with them yourself and insist that the girls go into different forms as well as different year halves if they have that.

This is the thing - she can very much push back. She constantly does wither her brother, and us, if she thinks she’s wronged she will get high and mighty and tell us and demand an apology. I’ve said she can say the words and she says them well, so she needs to do the same with this girl. And I believe she does stand up for herself verbally - but the physical size difference is what the clinch here.

Head, Governing Body, LA safeguarding lead, Academy chain CEO, Ofsted. School has the duty of care. Confronting a child who may themselves be traumatised - no.

You need to remove your child from that situation NOW! How the other girls parents are behaving is appalling, but they don't care! School cannot do anything about it so the responsibility now falls 100% with you.

Stop putting her in this horrendous situation! Remove her from Feb school

She is starting boxing lessons next month! I do really wish she’d just sock this girl in the face TBH but she wouldn’t have the power to have any sort of effect on her