Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

For legal reasons, as well as moral reasons, do not pursue this line of action.

An equally another important life lesson for your child is that nobody should accept being abused on a daily basis.

I am aware. And I have told her that.

I didn’t realise I needed to transcribe every life lesson I’ve given my DD otherwise people think I’m condoning her bully.

Countersigning a letter is not action.

Im confused - you said to write to governors and Ofsted? We have. Am I supposed to stage a sit in at the school until they do something?

You need to take action that the child / parents understand

The parents will not reply to me!!! I don’t know where they live! And they don’t give a shit anyway I imagine as a PP said if I went round kicking off they soon have voices then anyway.

I don't think I've actually said anything here apart from my other message, so if anyone remembers what guideline breaking thing I've said please let me know! 😂

your daughter's school bully's parents need to have this kind of kick up their Arses too,

Complaining to Ofsted is a good idea. Here is the form to complete in order to do this

https://complain.ofsted.gov.uk/

It suggests you need to make a formal complaint to the school first.

This is probably the harshest part I've ever written on MP but i think it's warranted:

OP, I realise that you're trying to be terribly reasonable but I'm honestly getting quite angry reading your wet lettuce approach to this while your daughter suffers daily.

Report the assaults to the police non-emergency number. Do this every time your child is assaulted. This girl is above the age of criminal responsibly and she is committing a crime every time she does this.

Inform the school that their failure to protect your daughter now means that you will be making a police report each time as well as reporting to them.

Send periodic (I'd suggest monthly) updates to Ofsted listing all incidents and all police reports made that month that the school continue to fail to prevent.

Use all of this to ensure your daughter does NOT attend the same secondary school as her bully (I mean, good grief, how can you possibly contemplate allowing this?)

You have the terrible middle class affliction of focusing on the whys and wherefores of the perpetrator rather than your actual responsibility to the victim (who in this case is your daughter). It is important that someone attends to the bully and addresses the root cause but that person is not you and that role is not yours. Put it down. You don't have to know anything about the reasons - your only concern is the resulting action and ensuring those do not land on your daughter.

Incidentally, for someone who is against directly addressing this with the bully (by which I do not mean screaming at our threatening her but calmly informing her, with a steely look, in front of adult witnesses that from now on you will be involving the police) you seem very willing to allow her (child) cousins to take this direct approach on their shoulders and do this dirty work for you.

Not sure how interested the police will be in a case of two ten year olds but it is worth a try. As is going to your MP and local newspaper of the school can’t keep your daughter safe.

I did once speak to my DD’s bully. It was unplanned. I was waiting for DD outside an after school club in y7 as it was dark in winter. I saw the bully while waiting and I went over, checked her name then said quietly and firmly “ If you threaten, steal from or pick on my DD every again you’ll know about it.” I’m not proud of it and the bully was stunned. She told the school and i received a phone call from the year7 head who was understanding but informed me the girl was having home troubles etc and that I hadn’t dealt with it correctly. I accepted that However the girl never stepped out of line with DD again. My Dd was mortified though. Now years later( DDis 23) I don’t regret it .

I’ll take being a dick if that makes you feel better.

It doesnt

Will you say the same in 20 years if she ends up in an abusive relationship with a man who excuses the way he treats her because he had a “shit childhood”?

Ok can you not read or are you wilfully ignoring what I’m saying?

There is a difference between excusing behaviour - which I am NOT doing - and telling a child the truth when they wonder why someone could be like that. She knows that this girl’s parents don’t get involved and ignore me and the school. She comes from a loving and involved family and it confuses her as to why parents wouldn’t give a shit and why that means it’s so hard to stop her bully.

I agree - I don't understand why the OP is fixating on the likelihood that social services is involved with this child's family. It doesn't deserve any headspace because it's irrelevant.

Is the bully age ten or above? If so, she’s criminally liable and can be prosecuted.

Complain to the police about every single incident. That’ll get the parents attention. If thenpolice fob you off, make a formal complaint about them not following up a crime of assault against a child.

If she speaks to you again tell her you’ve reported her to police and that she’ll end up in prison if she doesn’t learn how to behave.

More importantly, pull your child out of school.

I wish you luck with this OP and really feel for your DD. It’s so hard.

How did you not say something to the little fucker when she “cheerily greeted you”?

How have you let it get this far?

WHY is she sitting next to your DD???

this is appalling on everyone’s part.

Good for you.

In my righteous indignation I think I would have said to the teacher that her home troubles were none of my concern, to the point that I assume that her even alluding to them to me was "not correct" according to school safeguarding and data protection policy, so perhaps we should agree to say no more about it!

I suspect your slightly more conciliatory approach was better in practice...😉

She isnt sitting next to her anymore.

I anm the one involved in this situation and I assure you they have been amazing but they are very limited with their power - and they’ve done everything they’re allowed within that power. What else would you have them do?

I have said to DD that if she hurts her back I will defend her to the end but she’s just not aggressive or violent (yet!). Punching someone takes confidence

I’ve had numerous meetings, one where the bully’s parents were supposed to be and they didn’t turn up

She is 10

I’m going to be honest, I didn’t confront my DD’s bully… but I did confront his mother. And very politely but menacingly told her that if she didn’t stop her son from bullying my DD then I knew her housing officer, various social workers in our town and would make her life very uncomfortable. I’m not proud of it but it worked where the endless meetings at the school didn’t…

Trust me I’m angry but I know my DD and behaving like a violent Chav will make it worse for her and she would be mortified. I’m not humiliating her to do something that will have zero effect anyway

I did think it odd your message was deleted. But no I'm not..that word (I'm assuming that's an insult against talk guidelines)

Yes girls are so mean. I don’t remember girls being so mean when I was DD’s age!

@KarenNotAKaren I know you probably feel defensive but I think that some of the comments come from a place of understanding how damaging bullying can be.

The fact is that everything you have tried so far has not worked so you need to try something else. Can I ask how long this has been going on?

Son was bullied at school. Email the head and head of year and teacher a history of events and every event thereafter creating a paper trail. Ask for responses in writing, Do not accept just verbal updates and assurances. School have a duty of care yet the most unsafe place your child is in right now is school. Governors should all be sent a copy of what’s gone on and your valid concerns over the physical and mental impact on DD - I went big on this, it was true, he didn’t want to go to school and was withdrawn. Shoe how the lack of action in part of school that has resulted in an improvement in the situation. For any physical altercations (pinning against a wall and pinching and shoving) I’d call the police. These actions were my starting point and the school got sick of my calls and emails when I wouldn’t let it go and took tougher action with the child and parents as they didn’t like the heat and that other people than the teachers aware of what was going on. Good luck with improving the last 2 terms for your daughter.

I haven’t been rude to posters who’ve given me good advice I’ve challenged posters who said I’m not doing enough and they haven’t answered when I’ve asked what I should eo.

For the millionth time. I. Have. Not. Excused. Her. Behaviour.

I don’t understand how people aren’t getting this. It’s information that’s relevant. It’s not me excusing it

She is starting boxing lessons next month! I do really wish she’d just sock this girl in the face TBH but she wouldn’t have the power to have any sort of effect on her

This,
I would tell her to punch her in the face and call her something really nasty then the whole thing would come to a head and her parents would have to come to the school to discuss it
Tell her to fight back, it will be good experience for her and boost her confidence, bully’s in life are relatively easy to deal with and usually back down when they know their victim is going to attack them back
if this goes on for much longer it could leave permanent mental scars