Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

Do not approach this child. Anyone that tells you that is bordering on unhinged.

The only parent I know who did this ended up with a police caution. Speak to the school, the police or whoever it takes.

And if you aren’t happy with the response ultimately move your daughter.

My DD had a torrid time at secondary, factor in social media once they’ve all got phones and it doesn’t matter how big the school is. If someone told me how vile and thuggish teenage girls can be I wouldn’t have believed them. I would have a 2nd secondary lined up just in case, we ended up moving DD, school did try, but once the threats of physical assault came in I never sent her back, I need to know my DD is safe in school, being beaten up and have it filmed and shared on social media wasn’t going to happen.

School are not doing enough if it’s still going on with several children.

You are not doing your dd any favours by focusing on the bully’s home life - yes it may well be tragic, but your dd’s life isn’t exactly a bed of roses right now, and she stands to develop severe long-lasting mental issues as a result of this. Your actions now can make a huge difference to your dd’s future. I’d also suggest that by preventing this girl’s bullying behaviour NO MATTER WHAT HER HOME-LIFE IS LIKE may have a positive effect on her as well, as she might learn how to treat her peers better.

Like others in this thread I was bullied at school, and it’s had life long effects. Posters have given you good advice and you’ve been rude to them and dismissed them. I don’t understand why.

If this girl has the opportunity to bully children in the playground and in the classroom she needs to be supervised more, even if they can’t exclude her. School are letting everyone down by allowing this to continue.

Speak to the police. Write to HT, governors, OFSTED each and every time there’s an incident, if school are being so ineffective that they can’t put a stop to this!

The school is not fantastic - they are not bloody doing anything because your child is still being targeted. The bully should have been suspended. The bullying should have stopped and it hasn't.

This cannot go on and it shouldn't be down to your daughter to decide which school she goes to. You need to move her to another school - her life must be hell.

It is even worse and more insidious when the bully is a so-called friend. Have you read 'Cat's Eye'?

Go and stand in front of the bully look her in the eye and tell her "it stops now" Just those words, nothing else. Then walk away. This child only understands one language.

You say you're not excusing her behaviour but you are, because you assume she comes from an abusive household and that somehow makes her behaviour acceptable, my siblings and I came from an abusive household, we didn't do any of those things to anyone, in fact all of us got bullied ourselves. If you truly believe that, you report your concerns to social services and the school, that is as far as you need to go, they take it from there.

Now onto your actual responsibility, protecting your daughter.
You can either take your DD out of school, request she moves to a different class assuming the year has multiple rooms as many schools do, request the other girl is moved into another class or isolation, request the other girl is excluded, request they have a TA in the classroom at all times sitting with the other girl to ensure she behaves herself (yes schools are underfunded and under staffed however this is not your problem and they still have a duty of care), same at break times, contact the police, contact Ofsted.
If none of those appeal to you or work, you spend the day at school with your daughter, she'll probably be embarrassed but isn't embarrassed better than her being beaten? I'd embarrass my daughter every day if it kept her safe from harm.
Or grow a back bone and at pick up or drop off, you go up to her parents and tell them if their kid ever so much as looks at your DD again, she won't see year 7.

This girl seems very clever - like she knows exactly how far to push it before not going further. For example she’s never punched anyone because I reckon she KNOWS that’s a step too far for the school. Again i think this is a symptom of living in DV.

You needs to stop focussing on the bully and why she's doing it. It's not your problem or your daughter's problem.

don't be afraid to move your child to a different school just because of the short time left. it could make all the difference to her self esteem. take her side and protect her. it might also have the effect of the bully losing interest and forgetting about her by the time they get to secondary school. i would be seriously looking at a different secondary school as well.

please find your dd another secondary school if nothing else

as a mum of 3 teensage girls i can tell you teenage girls can be feral. Vile.

They are nasty and have zero empathy. There is nothing more dangerous to a teens mental health than a group of teenage girls

do you have older children? at high school i’ve seen posts shared on social media (to like 2000+ followers) calling out individual kids as slags, mingers, 1/10 rating etc

It will get worse as no one stands up

they all share - fights shared constantly on snap chat to further the humiliation

when mates get battered, rather than jumping in to defend eachother they reach for their phone and film it

you must have no experience or secondary if you think it’ll get better

they may separate them initially but as pp said, she’ll have a new crowd to impress and who best to do that with, than all the kids she’s bullied previously with no consequence!

plus by time they choose sets and subject options, separating them may not be an option due to timetabling issues

My DSS was being bullied. My DH found out where he lived, went to his door and told the boys dad if he didn't sort his son out and DSS complained about his son picking on him again he would be back to the door and would kick the dad up and down the place and he'll keep doing it until the boy stops.

As you say, children who bully usually have problems at home so this needs to be dealt with at the source.

but when you have no power and have exacerbated all avenues what do you do then?

But you haven’t. You haven’t rung the police, you haven’t insisted to all adults in the school that this behaviour is completely unacceptable and stops now. You keep making excuses for the school and the bully, and you’re angry at posters making suggestions to help your child.

The other child shouldn’t even factor into this, your daughter is being physically abused - sort it out or move her to a place where she won’t be bullied! She needs to know that you’ve got her back and that you won’t accept anyone treating her like this!

I actually did and it worked brilliantly.

Insane that you are sending your daughter to the same secondary school as her bully. When your daughter is old enough to reflect on her formative years and the emotional support she received from you, she may be bitterly disappointed, I certainly would be. I would have removed my daughter a LONG time ago (you are right, the bully won’t be excluded) and certainly wouldn’t even consider sending her to the same secondary school! Your poor DD.

This ^

Good on you. Kids can be absolutely vile and sometimes, when other avenues have been exhausted and the parents don’t give a shit, you DO need to step up and protect your child. Verbally not physically of course. It can make a huge difference.

I know, with your background, you will know this - what you describe is child on child abuse. Sounds serious doesn't it - and a focus in schools, OFSTED etc. Up the anti with school. Follow their full complaints procedure, through all stage. Then go to Ofsted.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/64f0a68ea78c5f000dc6f3b2/Keeping_children_safe_in_education_2023.pdf

Well, this is a supportive thread

You're doing fine, @KarenNotAKaren . You are quite right that changing schools at this stage is unlikely to be helpful and that as you point out screaming in the playground or following them around or similar is not only unhelpful but wouldn’t be tolerated by the school.

Hitting back isn’t the catch all solution some think it is. It only works if a) the child is likely to gain the upper hand and b) feels able to do so. It would be nice if one clean punch and the bully is cowed forevermore. More likely is the bully hits back harder and then you have an escalation of violence and aggression.

I do think it would be worth discussing with school withdrawing the girl from mainstream lessons, but of course you can’t demand it.

It’s a tricky one but I wouldn’t confront her either.

You know, for those who abhor bullies, some of you are behaving in a way that is remarkably close to it yourselves.

How is she being bullied in the classroom??

Is this still happening or did it stop with the pinching.

The school is not doing enough to keep your DD safe, this child should not be allowed to get anywhere near yours, different break times and lunch times. Looses all break times, She stands with MDA during her lunch times etc etc
The school may struggle to staff these sort of changes, but that is not your problem or your DDs, so you need to tell them it needs to happen.

I would have no qualms in getting hold of the girl myself for a chat and to scare the life out of her.
Or
I would be at the parents door myself talking to them, i know you say they wont care but depending on your approach, it would be a warning, a very clear warning. Either a forceful one or one that police will be getting involved.

I have made it very clear to our DS no-one has the right to lay their hands on you, that he does not have to live his life like that and i will never, ever expect him to, we will always sort it.

Our DS was only little but had a little spell of being bullied, i went into the school and told them if they didnt sort it, we would. Turns out our DS sorted himself after i gave him permission to hit the child with whatever as hard as he could. It worked.

Also it depends how far you want to go, i would be happy to ask if they would like my family decending on the school to locate said bullies parents. And ask how many times they would like the police to be called to the school for a "disturbance" before it began to be an issue for the governors. Obviously we wouldn't commit arrestable offenses, just enough to cause disruption.
Or
Advise you are going to the local paper with all the other parents its happening to, to explain your concerns for the school and their bullying policy.

I would go to any lengths to protect my child.

And you don’t think that listing another parents failings, as you see them, is bullying?

I do. If someone stood in front of me and listed all the things they perceived to be wrong with my parenting I would call that bullying. I would say that was cruel and spiteful. It certainly isn’t helping, is it?

Hurrah, an adult with some common sense. Hopefully OP is ignoring the drama vampires who want her to storm into the playground and duff up a ten year old, then come back and relate the story for them to rub their thighs over.

Dealing with bullying - and getting a reluctant school to fulfil its obligations - is a long-winded and difficult slog. There's no short cut. Adding more violence into the situation doesn't solve it.

You've mentioned the teachers 'doing their best' but have you taken this to the head teacher? Have you reported the continued failure to deal with bullying to ofsted. Have you reported the assaults to the police? Have you asked the school to do a home visit if the parents don't show up for school meetings? Have you asked the school to phone the parents? Have the school written to the parents? Have they tried excluding the girl? Have you asked why they haven't tried other measures?

Honestly you sound too nice. When it comes to your child's safety you need to be relentless.

When school didn't protect DD from her bully after we tried every means to make them act, we took her out. Best thing we ever did.

If the situation isn't being dealt with by the school you need to step in and protect your child by forcing the school to act and if all else fails remove her for her own safety. But it sounds like there's many steps you and the school can try first. If you don't force them to act and just keep excusing the teachers for 'trying their best' then you'll get nowhere.

OP the only realistic thing you can do here is start to him add the head and the governers with daily reports of what happening.

Send an email and a letter Every Day that something occurs. Send the same to ofsted. Not updates let's but every time something happens. Phone them, email, write to them and ask for responses within a specific timeframe.

Write to the council. Every day.

Become the same nuisance to them that this girl is to your daughter.

They make not be able to exclude from school but they can fund 121 teaching until she finishes if there is a pupil safeguarding issue to be managed. There's only 5 months left after all they have options, but they're not being pressed enough to invoke them.

You need to find the complaints procedure and start quoting it. You email so why not use the correct terminology?

I messaged a bullies mother and told her I would no longer be going to the HOY but would called the police - every time he touched her.

Turns out school never told her what was happening so he effectively was getting away with it for year 6 - but no longer in year 7.

Faft was he was being bullied and took it out on DD - his mother was appalled.

He didn’t touch her again x