Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

The primary school arn't doing enough. You aren't doing enough. It will get worse at secondary school. You don't seem very willing to help your daughter - she needs her mum to step up.

So DD isn’t her only victim and the prom has already been taken away from her. This has been going on for years, I suspect the teachers would want her excluded but it’s nigh on impossible unless they’re breaking bones from what I gather 😡

How do I not seem willing to help my DD??

Im raising every issue, I’m meeting the teachers, the Head is aware (and is aware of the other victims), I’m pushing for bigger punishments and an exclusion, I’m empowering DD to stand up for herself - what else should I be doing?

I’m not going to move DD to spend a term and a half at a new school.

Im not going to attack a child either.

I have tried messaging the parents from some time ago. They ignore my many messages.

I’m a teacher so I’m well aware of how difficult it is for schools to actually get this fixed. BUT school are not doing enough.
Has the head been involved? Has anyone complained to the governors?

My advice would be to document every single thing and email the teacher or SLT dealing with it every time, cc’ing in the head. If need be I would also approach the Board of Governors and then Ofsted.

There are things schools can do before exclusion, like alternative provision or managed moves.
It’s really hard, but you need to keep fighting. Use the school’s complaint policy.
Complaints get logged and Ofsted does not like safeguarding complaints.

The head is involved with this girl and her group of victims. She knows everything. One of the other parents wrote a letter of complaint to governors and Ofsted (the latter haven’t replied) and it was counter-signed by a few of us. They have put the responsibility on the Head though to sort this though and have stood by a decision to keep her in the school.

Having worked in child services I strongly suspect there is social worker involvement with this girl. I say that because when I worked in that field we tried to ensure children in abusive households had as much normality as possible and that meant keeping them in the school they enjoy and use as a bit of a safe haven. Exclusion is very problematic for children with CS involvement - it is also likely this school is her only safe place. I can’t think why else they’d protect he so much.

It’s such a fucked situation and fully stems from neglectful parenting IMO.

We have a diary we keep on the car, DD fills it out on the journey home and I then email the teachers the transcribed contents so they’re fully aware of what is happening and I have a paper trail

I've spoken to a bully's mum. She was wanging on about her son being left out of so many parties and how unfair it was. I decided I had had enough of pretending the sun shone out of his arse and told her "Surely your son needs to learn how to be a kind friend to people, not share secrets of his friends and stop calling people he wants to be friends with names if he wants to be invited to parties though?". She was a nightmare. Let him play computer games all night, no supervision, always blaming teachers for his low grades and ignoring him in the evenings. He was desperate for attention.

Not personally but my older daughter had a stern word and the kid was afraid to even glance at my daughter again. Not ideal but necessary.

When my son was ten, he was bullied by two boys who were a couple of years older than him.
I went round to their homes and told their mum's that if their kids didn't back off, I'd smack them round the village, and them too.
It stopped immediately.
Don't bother with schools, just go straight for the jugular if you want results.

After a bully (15y) pushed me in front of an oncoming bus, my dad waited on his route home, grabbed him by the throat and told him very conversationally that if he or any of his friends touched me again or even spoke to me, that he would kill him and anyone who tried to stop him. Never had a problem with the boy again.

I see what you’re saying about keeping them in school for stability but I still don’t think it’s right, having been in a class with one of these kids myself.

When I was at secondary school a boy brought a knife in and threatened a girl with it, amongst other things, and he wasn’t excluded.

Why should other children have their school lives ruined because some parents won’t parent, bullying can affect you your whole life yet exclusion is too problematic for the bully’s. It’s a shame for the kid, but they should be moved elsewhere, otherwise how will they learn that actions have consequences. This girl bullied your dd and others and gets away with it.

Teach your daughter how to break a nose. With the right to technique, it doesn't take much force. It probably won't break it properly but will give the bully the shock of her life.

Failing that, a hissed word on the school yard away from witnesses is also acceptable. The formal way doesn't always work, as you are aware.

Very frustrating and will eventually break you down. School shouldn't be making excuses they are not doing enough.
I would phone social services.

This was similar to when my son was being bullied in year 7. Two boys played with him like two cats with a mouse. It was horrible to see them toying with him and being nasty. It culminated in them tying his bike up so he couldn’t cycle home from school. My husband made a point of bumping into them and told them quietly and calmly that he wasn’t going to hear of any further incidents was he. They left him alone after that. Since becoming adults the lads have apologised to my son. The lad who was the worst one has since told my son that he’s ashamed of how he treated him.

OP your daughter just needs to last a few more months at this school before she can make new contacts. I would keep the pressure on the school, PTA and local authority.

I was bullied by boys in year 7 and was in Woolworths with my dad (who was 6’5” and like a bRick shit house). I saw the bullies and pointed them out. We told me to wait there and went and spoke to them.

To this day I’ve no idea what he said, he never told me and he’s passed away now, but those boys spent the next 5 years putting their heads down whenever I passed them in the corridor.

The school are not doing enough and neither are you. You cannot just sigh and say they’re busy watching other children.

Your child is being abused, daily, in a place she is meant to be safe. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think it will be easier in secondary school, your daughter has been targeted and seen as “weak” by a bully. It is likely that the bullying will ramp up when this girl has a whole host of new people to perform for and assert her dominance.

You need a copy of the bullying policy, and details of the governors. Start making some bloody noise and make sure that girl is kept away from your child no matter what.

I don’t think it’s right either but if my guess is correct there is a social worker somewhere fighting this bully’s corner and challenging any plans the school may have had to move her. It is just a guess though but having had experience I’d be amazed if there was no social work intervention. I would bet money that that girl is witnessing DV. And as sad as that is my concern is with DD and how that is affecting her.

I agree entirely with your last paragraph. These are the far reaching consequences of child neglect and abuse, they can never be fully quantified

I did.
After a year of nothing being done by the school, I confronted his bully of a Mom in the playground she just laughed and said her son wouldn't do the things he was accused of. The other Moms were gobsmacked as their kids had seen it all as well as the school.
For context he was huge and would stand on my child and bend his arms right back. It continued. My 6'3 husband decided that he would pick up our son a couple of days later. He went over to the bully and asked why? No answer. Apparently H said if it continued he would shove him under a passing bus.
Never went near him again. This was 22 years ago and my son had this throughout year 5 & 6.
After they went to secondary school he started off again but my son was pretty handsome and nice so he was protected by the girls there until he stopped.
Sorry if I have people disagreeing with me but we have no regrets.

This is why she’s booked in for boxing - really as a means of self defence. DS does martial arts but it’s very much not to be used on people kinda thing. Whereas I want DD to know how to deliver a solid punch.

I tried the formal route and official route with my DDs bullies. Nothing worked. It was escalating, and the day it involved being followed off school premises, stealing her property, and throwing dog faeces at her, a line was crossed for me.

What did work we giving permission to my child to hit back (once and with the teachers blessing), combined with a direct conversation with the bullies parents who I found via social media. I sent a very clear message that I would not tolerate any form of contact whatsoever with my daughter, otherwise I would escalate to police, school and publically name and shame. It stopped immediately.

If that hasn’t worked I would have been willing to confront the children myself at school. It is my job to protect my child, no matter what. Official routes are limited in what they can do - and if they don’t work as they are not, you have a duty to care to your child to sort this out.

You sound like a very understanding person but your insight and empathy for your child’s bully is misplaced, in my opinion. You are giving this child permission by proxy to continue making your child’s life a living hell. It is not your responsibility to safeguard the bully. It is your job to prioritize your own child. Do whatever it takes (that is legal). To hell with protocol, and your child will get over any embarrassment.

What more can I do? Please tell me!

But the fact is - they ARE watching 28 other children at the same time. I’m not deluded I know how teaching works, and with only 2 sets of eyes on them at playtime they can’t watch everything at once.

Im really not as worried for secondary - it’s a large school where they’re unlikely to be in the same sets and I’ll be insisting they aren’t in the same form.

Also DD just happens to have several older cousins in the secondary school who love her very much and will jump at the chance to protect her. Sadly that’s what it sometimes takes.

@Plantymcplantface with respect I’m not giving her permission to do anything, I just recognise it’s actions likely borne from abuse and that social worker intervention could be why the school protect her more than day, they’d protect my daughter if she was doing things like that. It’s not an excuse, but this girl is so obviously miserable and I tell my DD that. She sees happy people and seethes because she isn’t happy. It’s not DD’s problem but I’m trying to find a way of explaining to DD why people end up like they do rather than just going with “they’re pure evil” shtick