Has anyone ever confronted their child’s bully?

[KarenNotAKaren]

I’m at the end of my tether.

Year 6 DD - who has always been one to be an easy target because she’s quiet and kind and doesn’t cause a fuss - is getting bullied by a so-called friend in her group of friends.

The bullying includes:

• Pushing her up against a wall and pinning her to it. When DD tells her to stop this girl says “shut your fucking mouth”
• Pinching her under the desk - she sits next to her
• Calling her fat (DD is skinny, this girl is on the bigger side), stupid, weird
• DD has learning support for maths as she really struggles - this girl makes fun of her and calls her a disgusting r word that I won’t repeat on here.
• Knocking DD over, pushing past her and generally being physical - for context DD is a titch and a good half foot smaller than this girl
• Making fun of her height.

The teachers have been amazing but they can’t force this girl to change and they have 28 other kids to keep an eye on. Her parents don’t give a shit. I have worked in child protection and her behaviour sets off so many red flags for living in an abusive household - especially the wall thing. I assume the school are dealing with safeguarding and whilst it must be awful for her to live that way my concern is primarily with my DD and how she is affected.

This girl’s parents don’t even turn up to parent’s evenings or for meeting about their DD. We had a joint one planned and I sat there on my own with the teacher as they were a no-show. I never see them at drop off or pick up as this child walks home. It would be pointless anyway - they clearly don’t care!

Im at the point now where I am seriously considering saying something to this girl. DD came home in tears again today after being pushed over on the ice and the teachers did bollock the bully and take her break times away for a week but she will just carry on regardless. At pick up the bully passed me and waved and cheerily said “Hi Lucy’s mum!”. Took all my night not to bloody say something. But I don’t know what else to do - I only want to say you need to stop picking on my daughter, I see what you do and it’s cruel, stay away from her. Which is of course nuts but my god seeing my lovely confident girl being pushed to breaking point is more than I can bear.

I’ve just written it out - have you asked for the bullying policy or escalated it to the school governors?

You obviously think you’ve just got to accept your daughter being bullied day in, day out for another six months and there’s nothing that can be done. Ok, then I wish you luck and hope your daughter is ok but I really don’t think just hoping that she learns how to punch and that she doesn’t get bullied at secondary school is a solid plan.

Also, and I am really not trying to be a dick, I have a daughter the same age and have also worked in CP, but why are you trying to excuse this behaviour to your daughter? She doesn’t need to grow up with the mindset that people abuse us because they’re unhappy/had a bad childhood and we should try to understand. That’s really unhealthy.

And I replied - yes (or rather I countersigned a letter someone far better at writing wrote)

FFS - I’m not removing her from the school. She wants to stay, the learning support they give her is exceptional and she’d only be with this girl in secondary anyway! To have her be in a school for just a term and a half is insane, counterproductive and it would only be a short reprieve that she would struggle to navigate. I’m not doing that to my child.

You haven’t answered - what more should I do? How can I stop the bullying happening tomorrow? You seem to have a solution but you aren’t telling me.

@KarenNotAKaren I understand your post and of course the bully's behaviour will be likely
bourne from home circumstances.

But you have asked what more you can do for
your child.

Quite a few posters now have suggested similar steps to those I chose to take. We have shared our experience and the outcome which from what I have read has been 100% effective and stopped the bullying. It's up to you.

I mean, honestly this.

I would have involved the police as soon as anything physical happened, eg pushing against the wall.

I would have insisted the school expel the bully, got the police involved, I would have shouted at the little girl myself. There's so much you can do to shut this down- your poor DD

Well you kind of are being a dick, FYI.

Im not excusing her behaviour. I’m saying I suspect it’s borne from living in an abusive home, and perhaps that’s why they are more protective of keeping her at the school. It would also explain the fact her parents may as well not exist. I mean it doesn’t make a jot of difference to DD why she does what she but uncooperative abusive parents mean that solving the problem is THAT much fucking harder/nigh on impossible to stop her behaving this way.

I disagree that it’s unhealthy to explain to children why people might behave the way they do. I think it’s very healthy to try and make children understand that people are rarely ‘just evil’ and that there is nuance behind all of us. I’m raising my DD not to be a dickhead who sees the world in black and white.

I don’t remember suggesting removing her from school.

So what is the bullying policy? What did the governors say? Ofsted?

You say you’ve done everything you possibly can - what was the response from the SLT, governors and ofsted? When you reported the assault to the police, what did they say?

There is no magic answer, but I can absolutely promise you if my daughter was being pushed against walls, hit, sworn at, pinched every fucking day the school wouldn’t get a minute of peace until they removed that girl from my child. I don’t care if she’s got to stay in the school, they make sure she cannot get anywhere near my child at any point of the day and if that means a member of staff has to sit by the bullies side day in day out then so be it. I don’t care how few staff there are, if they will not exclude the bully they had better come up with a plan b to fulfil their duty of care and I would be there, daily, until that was done. The SLT, governors, ofsted, the police. As many times as necessary.

I wouldn’t be trying to make my child understand that someone is abusing her because they had a hard life.

Not yet, as DD is only 7 months, but I would in the future if needed.

My mum did when my brother was being bullied as a child. There was one specific boy who was just vile to everyone, but especially horrible to my brother. It had been going on at a low level for years (primary), and one day the boy came bouncing up to my mum in the playground and said my brother would be late out. When my mum asked why, he said “because I’ve just pulled his trousers down”. My mum sent me into the school to fetch him, and she told the boy if he ever touched my brother again, she’d “boot him across the playground”. That stopped it for a while.

Unfortunately they went to the same secondary school, so the bullying restarted very quickly. It turned more physically violent, and he would often pounce on him as they were leaving school. My brother came home in bits with a huge black eye and teeth missing, with gravel rash all up his palms and the side of his face. The boy and his mates had ridden over him with their bikes while others kicked him in the face. My mum went to the police and he got a caution. She then went into the school and complained, but they didn’t do much other than say my brother shouldn’t try to defend himself physically as they would punish it in the same way. She sent him to boarding school after that, where they’re apparently a bit more “on it”.

To answer your original question. DD’s best friend’s father threatened a boy who was really seriously bullying his daughter. Stopped it dead but she still moved schools. My DH would not think twice about doing it if it was necessary. Very un MN but since the head of the school told DD’s friend’s father off the record that he had her full support, things are done differently around here.

Hence me posting!

I have tried messaging the parents. They’ve read the message but don’t respond. Other parents I know have experienced the same.

The Head is apparently speaking to her and (if they turn up, they won’t) her parents tomorrow - if she hurts my DD again I think I will have to have the conversation with school about going to the police. We have all the pushing over and against a wall etc documented. But you’re so right, official routes are too limited and even more so if indeed there is CS involvement

This girl seems very clever - like she knows exactly how far to push it before not going further. For example she’s never punched anyone because I reckon she KNOWS that’s a step too far for the school. Again i think this is a symptom of living in DV.

Why is she sitting next to her bully!

I’ll take being a dick if that makes you feel better.

Will you say the same in 20 years if she ends up in an abusive relationship with a man who excuses the way he treats her because he had a “shit childhood”?

If you think you’re doing enough for your child that’s fine. I’ll bow out now, hope your daughter is ok.

Lol at insisting she’s excluded - do you have ANY experience of primary schools? They don’t exclude kids because parents ‘insist’.

What they DO do is ban parents who scream at children in the playground. So probably not one to help my DD.

@KarenNotAKaren

Nobody on here has said this is black and white. Most if not all understand that children who bully are likely being bullied in turn. I'm sure your child understand this.

An equally another important life lesson for your child is that nobody should accept being abused on a daily basis. There are things you can do, and you tried all "official" routes. Countersigning a letter is not action. It is hiding behind a letter. This child doesn't care about letters, meetings, and neither do the parents. Schools hands are tied (likely for the reasons you suspect). You need to take action that the child / parents understand. This means direct and firm words. Directly to the bully - calmly stated, firm, intentional and consistent. Not screaming, don't loose your cool.

I'll leave this post now, to be honest I rarely
post and even more rarely reply twice, but from one stranger to another: protect your child.

The teachers haven't been amazing! Why on earth is your DD still sitting next to this girl so she can be pinched under the desk?! That's the first thing that should have been done. Nobody seems to be doing enough - honestly if it was my child I would be at that school constantly. As there is physical abuse I would be reporting it to the police. Tell your daughter next time the girl lays a finger on her she needs to punch her hard in the face. She needs to learn to fight back, in the absence of any help from adults.

I have answered what the governors and Ofsted have said.

I haven’t reported it to the police.

Again - what should I physically do that I haven’t done already. It’s all very well saying “I wouldn’t rest” but when you have no power and have exacerbated all avenues what do you do then?

And I haven’t tried to make my DD understand anything - she has said “why does she pick on me” and I offered her a truthful answer because she’s not a stupid kid and I feel kids deserve the truth. She knows o worked with kids like this illy saying “Because you’re pretty and she’s jealous” or “Because she’s evil” is not fucking helpful

I would want to follow the little bitch home and give her the scare of her life. So that she would be scared to breathe near my DD again, but I fear the majority here would frown upon this.

The school will have a bullying policy and they have to act. This is the same child repeatedly picking on and harming another child=bullying. You have to speak to teacher and arrange a meeting to ask what they are going to do about it.

The Police won’t get involved unless the girl is over 10 years old, which is the age of criminal responsibility.

Not yet, as DD is only 7 months, but I would in the future if needed.

OK well then come back when your daughter is 10 and growing up and very aware of how your behaviour affects her and tell me if you’d behave like a screaming banshee in the playground.

The school will have to put measures in place to keep that girl away from your DD and they need to put help in place for the bully and your DD. It doesn’t end with them saying oh well we’ve told her off.
Don’t speak to the bully . It will feel good but get you in a whole load of trouble

OP you are far too rational and calm for AIBU. You have nothing to gain but might actually get diluted with stupid.

op i’ve been there and you’ve been too soft

your dd is learning from you

dd faced a child from a family exactly the same

i contacted school twice! Twice was all the warning they got

after that i went round the house - don’t get me wrong i was shitting it but i went full on adrenalin mode

where’s your inner anger? your anger and parental urge to protect your child needs to be taking over!

Youre making excuses

its bullshit that the parents don’t care - get in your car and knock on the door til they have to care!!! Shout all over their street!

you actually have done one little act several times - you’ve not actually escalated your reaction over time

for what it’s worth, it carried on a few days after i went round. so next dh and two mates went round. Threatened to smash door down and promised to take all future abuse out on the dad. Wasn’t his finest moment but we couldn’t do nothing anymore

it ever happened again

She isn’t anymore. It did stop when she told me about the pinching. They change seating plans every half term and last half term (when is started, around about mid-November) was when she was sat next to her.

Yes. I called him a horrible little boy. Which he was. He was expelled not long after.