5 days to make him fancy me!

[Workdate]

I am very aware that I sound like a love smitten 12 year old!

There is a guy at my work who I have a massive crush on.
He is gorgeous and we get on very well.

I will not go in to too much detail as it’s outing but it is against the rules to have a relationship with clients.

I have kept the relationship professional and I have to be very careful about what I say because I could lose my job over it (no man is worth that), so there’s a big chance that he has no idea that I fancy him.

The issue is is that he’s leaving on Friday.

Once he leaves, it would be less frowned upon to have a relationship but we would have no way of contacting each other, unless we found one another on SM but both of us may think that it’s overstepping the mark.

I don’t know if he even likes me, so my first question is how would I know this?

My second question is what can I do to make him like me/ensure he knows I like him without it being unprofessional?

My third question is if it turns out we both like each other, how can we meet outside of work, without discussing it during work which is against the rules?

That’s not the can of worms I was alluding to.

Your company policy is zero tolerance on handing out personal phone numbers( or asking other colleagues to pass private numbers on) or to liaise on SM outside work with clients.
It would be a nightmare if this was allowed and men (or women) thought it acceptable to make advances/ flirt or come on to the person they’re working closely with in a physical/ intimate work set up.

This protects every client (and all employees) from harassment, inappropriate behaviour, comments, misuse of personal info and ensures the one to one treatment/tuition you provide has clear boundaries and all work relationships are kept professional.

There’s little to be gained by referencing the “old rules” when this was allowed.
Your manager has to adhere to the code of conduct now enforced from (I assume) her superiors). She doesn’t want to in the shit either.
You don’t want to be made an example of - -if the code of conduct isn’t adhered to.

Shes been very kind to let you off with a light warning.

Im glad you’re going to tread carefully. It’s important to take the regs seriously x
Id suggest leaving this for a reasonable amount of time at least. That will also let the intensity of working closely together fade a little. You can get your breath and a little more perspective.

I think your boss is in really tricky position if she says anything other than, officially, she cannot condone it. But interesting that she did call you in and let you know the full detail that he did like you and he wanted to know if he could give you a note while he is still on the premises. She could've said nothing to you until after he had gone. So she is tacitly giving you the information that he likes you.

I would still go back to the plan of suggesting to him you might meet up at his friends place (if it is safe and public, like a pub or restaurant) on a particular day, well after he has left.

If it is none of the more ethically tricky client-professional relationship people have suggested, and you've said it's not, I cannot see why it is a big problem beyond keeping the firms professional reputation safe. Which providing you are discreet and meet up well after he has stopped being your client, I can't see how that is any kind of issue – or that there is any right for the company to have that level of control over your private life.

The only other thing a company could legitimately be concerned about AFAIK, is if you are going to effectively poach their customers and suggest that you work for them privately in future, so they do not have repeat business from those clients in the future.

And of course that isn't at all the case here, so that professional reason of a commercial interest doesn't apply either.

A lot of companies won't look too kindly to staff bringing shame on them. Romanticise it all you like, but "X-company shags their clients" is not the type of publicity any business wants. If you pursue this, and it gets out, creating gossip and/or criticism, they will dismiss you. If your colleagues make an issue of it, management will have to take action against you. And if the relationship ends badly, he has the power to cause you trouble. Don't be an idiot. Or do. It actually might be best if you do lose your job because you clearly don't know how to be professional.

They can’t enforce anything or legally sack you if you have a relationship once he is no longer the client. You know he likes you, so simply play the ‘I’ll be at x coffee shop on x date’ card and then go and have fun.

Haven't RTFT, but I think given all you have said OP, if I wanted to go for it with this man, I'd be consulting a lawyer and getting them (if they agree) to write the workplace a letter to say that clearly there are no actual professional ethical or legal reasons why you cannot date this man, that it cannot be right what she told you that BECAUSE he came to ask/tell her and made it clear that you had both acted appropriately during the period you were providing the service, rather than flying under the radar, that it cannot be condoned but might have had a blind eye turned to it had you kept schtum (very unfair). And that you will take them to tribunal for unfair dismissal if they try it.

There are a lot of businesses think they own people 24/7, and have nonsense policies that have no reasonable basis, or are inconsistently applied, can and should be challenged. Which is similar to what I was saying on another topic on another thread. "It's policy." That's nice. So, what?

If he's a decent chap and serious about trying a relationship with you, he'll pay half 😉

Please tell me you’re both still teenagers. He sounds as immature as you.

He told her he fancies me.

Ive told everyone else.

if you’re both consenting, unattached adults and neither of you have skeletons in your cupboards, now you know he likes you, quietly suggest you meet for coffee.

I assume you’re not bugged. I assume you talk to your clients. You know what he reads. You know his friend’s bar.

Coffee, not alcohol. This way you won’t be tempted based on fantasy. There’s every chance that out of the context of the ‘treatment’ room you have nothing in common, bore each other, have different moral views, etc.

Why have you come to Mumsnet with this and not to your friends?

Adults should be allowed to make their own minds up to what is right for them!
Your trying to advocate a controlled society,its not like a teacher /pupil thing.

@HollyKnight

Calm down, you are after getting your knickers in a twist

Is it actually written in your contract that relationships once the client has left is still forbidden. If it’s more a moral thing or frowned upon then I don’t really see how they can fire you if it’s not explicit. You’re both consenting adults. I know a teacher who left his profession for a student. They’ve been married over 40 years now.

Edited to add, it was college and over 16. Technically at the time it wasn’t illegal! Though I imagine still very much frowned upon

Give him a book to read that you think he may like. Inside the cover write your number. Write a message like, would love to meet for a coffee to discuss what you think of the book!

Your boss is so mean! She could have just given you his number once he's left, surely?
If you really fancy him just go for him!

It's interesting your boss told you, whilst he's still around, isn't it?

Because she could quite easily have not told you at all, or only told you after he left.

I don't know if that means:

a) she's naively not thought through the consequences at all

or

b) she thought it through, and wanted to tip you off while you still had the chance to do something - "I can't condone this but I'm giving you the information you need to make your own choices".

Also, you've not really been clear OP what you want from this - you said you're not in general looking for a relationship.

Do you just want a fling or do you would you be interested in a relationship with <him>. If you're not interested in anything more than a fling, then it's not really worth rocking the boat over - just feel happy he likes you to and chalk it up to experience. If you're interested in more, then I'd take a (measured) risk.

I do not understand how a boss gets to decide what u do outside of work and in ur private time! I totally understand not having any contact during work hours or while he is still a client however if he is completely finished then I do not see how it is any of her business. She doesn't need to know anything about who u r seeing or where u go in ur private time away from work. Its just a job, she is there to manage u during your work not your home life too!

What don’t you understand? Many jobs esp health have an expectation of appropriate behaviour in and out of work. Op is in a role were she works with patients, if the staff get in relationship with patients it’s a power imbalance, reputational damage for the company and yes what she does socially with clients is frowned upon and there are rules

i am in a regulated profession expected to be professional and honest in my behaviour's & demeanour . I need to be appropriate all time . My enhanced DBS will show any police contacts. If I had an incident not in work time that involved police i need to declare to employer and my professional body too

I am aware of boundaries with client /provider but if this person is no longer a client then its different. I think counciling maybe be slightly different depending on the relationship between them at the time of him being a client, it basically very much depends on the actual job she does. And if it's health then what about health is it mental health? , physical health? As they are 2 very different roles the provider plays

Irrespective of whether it’s physical health or mental health, one doesn’t date the patients. There are still behavioural expectations
Don’t date the patients . Don't take the patients money. You’ll not go wrong if you maintain that

But she has said they will no longer be patients , so they ate not patients

Yes let’s add, ate not the patients . Good advice
The distinction is she had feelings for him when he was a patient and she was staff , she didn’t ask for to be removed from her caseload. She treated a patient whom she fancied and is literally counting down the 5 days until she’s not his worker. That’s massively inappropriate, to fancy the patient and plan how to initiate contact when he leaves. literally the op posts are how can she make her patient fancy her and initiate contact

The rules are designed to protect the vulnerable party in this situation. However, once the client has left, if he wishes to get into contact with you (to say, return a book), I cannot possibly see a problem. After all, teachers are allowed to date former pupils etc. In fact when I was at school it was clear that one of the sixth form girls had the hots for the maths teacher in his early 20s. The moment that she left school, she asked him out and he was her partner to the 6th form ball. They're married with children and have been together for a long time. If you did have a relationship or even friendship, then you would simply have to declare it and he would be seen by a different therapist within the organisation or would go to a different place. I think that people are getting their knickers into a bit of a twist with this one.

No knickers to twist.But a slew of posters making asine comments if go for it! And convoluted and purposeful ignoring the staff & patient power imbalance and dynamic

After all, teachers are allowed to date former pupils etc.

A teacher who, in your scenario, got together with a former student very shortly after she left would be questioned by the school that employs him. Teachers have been dismissed for that very scenario. There would be a concern that the relationship started, or was 'groomed', when there was a very unequal power dynamic.

We don't know if anyone is overacting here because we don't the specifics of the OP's job or whether she has to abide by any professional code of conduct. I asked her about the latter point and... <tumbleweed>

I am dyslexic and it was a spelling mistake,

Well the feelings was mutual so he could of equally did that, I still don't see a problem she has mentioned it isn't inappropriate in any way.

The rules are designed to protect the vulnerable party in this situation. However, once the client has left, if he wishes to get into contact with you (to say, return a book), I cannot possibly see a problem. After all, teachers are allowed to date former pupils etc.

Firstly teachers dating a former pupil would probably be dismissed if it was immediately after leaving school. But I've explained above why the termination of the professional relationship does not mean it's all fine and dandy.Reposting what I wrote before because people obviously not in these types of profession are not understanding why there is a fundamental imbalance that will pervade any sexual relationship after the professional relationship has ended.

This is my previous post on this subject:

I’m definitely not a doctor but this is very similar to the situation - yes it’s technically wrong but if they’re not a patient anymore and you’re both adults, then why is that an issue?

Because

1. You only ever had access to that person because of your professional role and your duty of care.
2. You will inevitably be exploiting information you hold purely because of your professional relationship. Because of that access you will know things about them that you would never know if you met them say at a party - that gives you an inequality that inherently amounts to abuse of the superior professional role. The ingrowing toe nail is a case in point - the dr has access to the persons medical records - they know their age, whether they have any significant medical conditions, contraception, sex life, probably information about their childhood background all kinds of intimate stuff gets recorded in medical records. People tend to chat to and confide in professional advisors more than they would do with anyone else - usually because they know the professional advisor is bound by a duty of confidentiality. That 'knowledge advantage' is exploitative and will be exploitative even if the professional relationship ends.
3. There is an imbalance of power that will transcend the termination of the professional service because it is how the relationship began. This is especially true if you are in a role where you are the provider of a caring professional service. The "patient" feels, rightly probably, listened to, heard and cared for and is vulnerable to developing a crush because they see you as an authority figure, who is an expert who is interested in them and caring for them. It's worse obviously if you 'save them' in any meaningful way from a problem.

I work in one of these worlds as you probably can tell and the absolute worst example of this that you see all the time is older men abusing the power dynamic with younger woman. Often the woman will be adopting a position of 'but I love him. it's all fine'. No its not fine because if you had met this old wrinkled sack of shit down the pub you wouldn't have given him the time of day. He gets your attention because of that imbalance of power where he seems to you to be an interesting hero.

These are very serious issues and they should not just be dismissed as 'its all adults together'.

I don't know what your job is OP and to what extent it truly falls into this class of profession but I'm answering those people who are dismissive of professional rules about this sort of thing. For some professions, it is absolutely critical to adhere to it as any future relationship is founded on an unfair platform whether it goes on to last or not.