My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

You are being completely reasonable and she is being a bit naive about it. Working as an HCA, whilst giving great insight into hospital life and patient care, it is in no way reflective of what could be ahead in terms of her education followed by years and years of gruelling shifts as a junior doctor. Late shifts, night shifts, followed by day shifts and long days will mean she will literally never see her child. And by the time her career is stable, her child will be grown up and independent and she will have missed his entire childhood.

A medicine degree alone will have her being put on placement miles from home for weeks on end. I can tell you now that she won't manage it so in some ways I don't think you need to worry too much as it may fall flat on it's face once she realises what's involved

U r being unreasonable to say no ur sister doesn't get to be a doctor as surely that's the choice she makes but u are obviously not being unreasonable to tell her and ur mum that you will not be looking after her children. She doesn't need ur permission to decide anything but if she specifically asks for her help u have every right to refuse and not be made to feel guilty for it.

Why not?

Sorry just seen that others have picked this poster up on this bit of nonsense.

Get DS to his fathers? He's a little boy, not someone to be shipped off because he's now inconvenient

She hasn't said that anyway. I really don't think she's seeing the reality. I wouldn't do that to my child, a child with some additional needs like he has that needs consistency and support

I’m a single mum of three with limited support and a chronic illness, I’m about to complete my midwifery degree.

I would tell her that of course it's her choice and if that's her chosen career then great, but you won't be willing to do childcare. You are allowed to say no!

*Asks for your help

😦 OP, if you can’t help, just say you can’t. Absolutely do not lay at her door your own insecurities and the fact that YOU couldn’t make such a dream work.

I am mid thirties with an LO and I’ve made plans to go back to school, where I plan to pursue a highly
specialized degree in healthcare, which will take 10+ years! If you have nothing supportive to share, don’t share your insecurity. If it’s too much she’ll figure it out herself.

As a midwife, although challenging juggling placement and shifts, it's a different ball game to being a doctor

Also, you just have some sort of water tight childcare in place. Not sure how you'd manage shift patterns otherwise

Most unis won't be that flexible

Make sure you put your foot down very hard or you'll end up as free childcare, don't even give a wooly answer like "oh sorry I can't commit to that, I'll help when I can though"

Surely some of the student loan can be put towards childcare fees and are there 2 sets of Grandparents to take turns?

this

YANBU saying no to providing childcare, just have a straight forward conversation and say that you cannot commit, make it clear to both your sister and mum. I'm sure if it's the career she wants then she will find a way.

They are being CFs for assuming, though.

It's not your decision whether or not she should try for medical school.

Your choice is to make crystal clear that you cannot be expected to provide any form of regular childcare.

Not actually sure what your saying. If she can find childcare to study then good for her. She needs to explore options.

I don't think you have to go her, but you seem super negative.
Single parents become doctors.

Again, not about amazing support with childcare they don't

I think there’s a bit more to this. How old is her little boy? How old is she?

You’re very down on her. I wonder if you are perhaps slightly resentful of her attempt at success.

Regular childcare for minimum 7 years is a big ask

English lit wouldn't have cut it when I got into med school but this was a fair few years ago. Also, aren't they generally looking for a*'s these days?

Where is the child's father and other side of the family? Can they help out?

Med school is extremely competitive and tough- mentally, financially, emotionally. She will need a lot of support. She should really think about it long and hard before accepting a place if she manages to get one.

*childcare aside.

YANBU.

Also, just googled and according to careers in the NHS in takes around 10 years to train as a GP (including medical school) and 14 years to train as a surgeon, with long days/shifts (incl some night shifts).

It is not like the odd babysitting here and there.

I think this is probably academic anyway as first your sister has to get an offer, as you say she is thinking about medicine presumably she hasn't even applied yet? She is too late for this year so will apply to start in 2025. Assuming she is one of the 16% or so of applicants to even get an offer of a place she then has 5 years of medical school to get through. Medical students don't have travel all over the country (don't know where you got that idea from) but she would need to choose her university options carefully as some medical schools do have very large placement areas which could involve needing to live in e.g. Glasgow if she was studying at St Andrew's. However, many medical schools have all their placement opportunities well within commuting distance of the normal location of the course. She will absolutely need decent childcare but while she is at uni this will probably be easier than at any other time in her later career as most unis have nurseries attached now. The problems will start mainly after she qualifies which would seem to be a minimum of 6 1/2 years from now. Her son will be a lot older then.

You don't actually say what age he is now or how much his father is involved but your comment about not shipping your nephew off because he is inconvenient is frankly weird. If his father is not involved, that's one thing but if he still sees his son why shouldn't he help?

The more I read this thread, the more it sounds as though you have issues with your sister wanting to study medicine and be a dr, not just that you are being asked to help with child care. It’s as if shes got a nerve to even consider it or something. Given your sisters A level choices In the first place, I wonder if medicine has always been her dream and an unexpected pregnancy halted those plans for a while. Anyway, regardless of whether that was the case or not, it is admirable that your sister has ambition and having a child should not be a barrier to a woman being able to succeed. There may be many options open to her regarding support with child care as a single parent, she should explore those. If her child’s dad is in the picture then of course he should also be doing his fair share as well. Thats not shipping her child off, it’s just a dad parenting. She wouldn’t really be working shifts for at least five years, by which point her child will be older, plus she may well have a supportive partner by then who is able to help as well. I think (as has already been said) you are perfectly reasonable to say that you are unable to help out with childcare. But other than that I really don’t think you should be showing her the general negativity you have here.

They’re perfect A levels for medicine! X2 sciences and one other decent subject is a good choice.
But she needs a better childcare arrangement yes!