My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Wow how sad. I’d support my sister ( it’s not forever)and she has supported me hugely recently.

I think it’s a wonderful and she should go for it. I hope you don’t need her help in the future.

Usually medicine a levels are maths and sciences. Can she do the physicians associate one?

It is amazing that she's achieved the grades to get her that opportunity

But it isn't as simple as 'just helping'

You're essentially taking on the role of another (more present) parent for years

I agree with you OP. It's just not possible, and as a midwife, you understand the reality of the situation. You would have to practically be taking over the majority of your nephew's parenting for your sister to do this, especially the foundation years.

If someone doesn't have enough science A levels, there is the opportunity to do an extra year to bring them up to speed.

Some students have only/mainly humanity subjects but are accepted.

If it was for a short period of time to help her get qualified for something that would help her long term. Absolutely.
Medicine no, this will go on for years and years, even when they are qualified her hours won’t be reasonable. There are things you can’t do as a single parent and this is one of them.

I knew someone (nearly 30 years ago now) who was part of a scheme that allowed people slightly older with degrees and some work experience to do a fast track medical training. She became a GP. I don’t think if it ever was rolled out and could be something to think of in the future.

Definitely not unreasonable to refuse childcare. Full stop.

Totally unreasonable of your mum to volunteer you to look after your sister's kids rather than leaving your sister to decide whether she wants to ask you herself or look elsewhere.

Not unreasonable for your sister to want to be a doctor. And if we live in a world where a woman with the ability to be a doctor can't be one because she has a child, then that's a fucking outrage.

I find myself wondering whether you spend a lot of time supporting your mum whilst caring for your kids with their additional issues. And whether your mum just giving your time to her sister in this way, without thinking about how it would be for you to care for your sister's kids as well as your own - just clearing the way for your sister to waft off to medical school without any thought for your own situation and responsibilities - has just left you feeling (totally reasonably) very upset?

I think maybe I'd channel my frustration into a very clear talk with your mum about your situation, your commitments and your boundaries? (EDT to add) I don't think I'd let it spill over into expressing opinions on how realistic it is for your sister to study medicine at this time, regardless of the realities - if she can't sort out childcare, she'll work that out soon enough for herself.

You can refuse to help. If you are at home with your dc then a lot of people would add a nephew into the .if but you don't have to.

She can still do it if she's bloody minded enough. I wish her luck. The medical degree should be OK at least.

Quite sad to think of intelligent young single mother not able to at least try to do a job much needed by society.

Presumably your sister going to uni studying Medicine is one thing and you being available to mind her child a different one.
Best you speak up now say you not available to mind child while she's studying. Save any falling out again in future.
The Uni may have creche. Child school may have after school care.
By the time she working in hospitals and doing night shift her child could be old enough to stay a night with Granny.
But as she gets stuck in and needs childcare she will figure it out herself.
If child does not have a dad perhaps she will find other childcare solutions. If she studying Medicine will be plenty options for loans.

The required A levels are Bio and Chem, which she has.

She does have enough science though

Yanbu to say no to childcare.

I can understand your need to not take on any additional childcare. You need to be clear and your Mum should not be volunteering your time!
I admire your sister though… if that’s her dream then she should run with it. Medical Students I trained with had children and did ok…even as sole parents…
they where always the organised ones though!

YANBU to say you won't be providing childcare. That's more than a little help and your mother should not have tried to commit you to it.

But that's where your role ends unless asked for advice or your opinion. "I love you and Nephew and I want to see you find a great career that you enjoy, but I simply can't commit to looking after him regularly." That's it.

YANBU to say no to childcare. YABU to say to becoming a doctor.

Medicine is really hard to get into anyway so I wouldn’t worry too much. But if she’s a single parent then she needs a dose of reality. I was a teenage mum and had to choose a career that was 9-5 so childcare was available before and after school. I knew I couldn’t work shifts

@853ax
It wouldn't be staying a night with granny, it would be more like living with granny at that stage of training. I think OP brings the benefit of experience in the industry. No amount of wishful thinking is going to make this possible.

Well WYSIWYG definitely here.

Miserable answer.

Of course she would have a good gateway with those subjects and grades. She'll possibly be viewed as a mature student depending on age. She certainly has the experience.

@onthebesttrain there's no shame in saying you can't commit to helping, but don't write off your Mum helping too.
Most universitys have childcare too. It's going to be a good couple of years before your sister is off on placement. I'm sure they'll have childcare wherever she is to. A nanny, or a minder.
There are ways and means. You make your position clear. Let your Mum choose hers.
Once out, it's not really anything to do with you.

How did they do medicine as a sole parent with no water tight childcare and very accommodating family?

Most people arrange their own childcare for work/study. If doing medicine I would think an aupair would be a good option due to the shifts. Is she a single parent. You are entitled to say no. But I would help once a week if it fits personally.

Exactly. Even Nursing and midwifery degrees require water tight childcare options. This is so much worse!

I speak from obvious experience as someone who's been a clinical member of staff and seen colleagues (Doctors). Never met a HO/SHO with kids beyond 1 or 2... one had a live in nanny, their mum. Not sure on the other but similar would apply

You can be supportive without providing childcare.

I wonder why it is apparently important to some posters that the OP support her sister by providing huge amounts of childcare on top of looking after her own family and job, but it is not at all important that the DSis support HER sister and nephew/nieces by finding appropriate childcare if she wants to study.

Are you jealous that she is embarking on a medical career while you have given yours up?

Where’s DNs dad in all this? Assuming your sister is a single parent, is her child’s dad involved at all?

you are right to say you won’t do childcare, but you would be very unreasonable to try to give a dose of reality or explain why she can’t. She’s an adult, and obviously an intelligent one. She’s already working in a medical setting and clearly has been encouraged to apply. If you just rule yourself out, including that you can’t be relied on as back up emergency care- then she can work it out herself and decide if this is something she wants to start.

whatever you do, don’t tell her she can’t do it. Don’t tell her she’s silly to have this aspiration. Just tell her you won’t be part of her childcare plan. Then just practice saying “I’m sure you’ll sort something out.”

Does she even have a place in medical school yet? Her whole plan must revolve around attending a very local university I presume?

You can’t be picky about which medical school you go to. Most people are doing well to get a single offer. To be honest OP, until she has a firm offer in hand I wouldn’t be getting to worried anyway.

FWIW you are completely within your rights to not offer regular childcare. The odd emergency here and there maybe, but she needs to factor in proper, paid for childcare if this is something she really wants to do.