My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Yanbu. You can't help and should be clear about that. I wouldn't say "i can't help so you cant do medical degree" just be clear you are unable to help and wish her the best for making other plans. I would make it clear to your mum too to manage her expectations of you being plan b if she doesn't cope.

Explain you would love to see your sister achieve her dream but you are at absolute maximum capacity and cannot provide any regular childcare. Highlight you had to give up your own job, you cannot take on any more responsibilities.

I do t know what the figures are for the UK of medical students with children ut in the US it's estimated to be 9.2%. So I suspect that @onthebesttrain 's assesertiothat 99.999% dont is likely incorrect

What AlohaRose said. Having a child is actually fairly compatible with medical school (I know as I gave birth to our DD in DH’s first year of med school). How old is the child now? They will be at least 5 years older before your sister is actually doing her foundation year training.

It will be slightly different in the US as medicine is always a post grad degree.

but yeah my DH did post grad medicine and quite a number of students had kids either before or during the course.

The more I read this thread, the more it sounds as though you have issues with your sister wanting to study medicine and be a dr, not just that you are being asked to help with child care. It’s as if shes got a nerve to even consider it or something

I thought this too.

Wow I thought medicine was a lot more competitive than that.

You need to stay firm OP, including if she gets into uni. I don't think some PP realise what an enormous, long term ask this is - even if you didn't have 2 children, including one with a high level of need, and being asked to add another child with SEN into the mix. Has anyone considered you might want to work again in the future? Or even have a social life of hobby? Has she supported you with your disabled child at all? Does the rest of the family? I'd drop the "dose of reality" attitude though - be positive about her achievements and ambitions. She might find a way.

I believe you're right

This whole thing is weird.

You're weirdly vague about the child's father. You're negative about your sister potentially training to be a dr, but for seemingly no reason, and are refusing to even engage in it at all but also, for apparently no reason other than you've got two kids of your own.

She's your sister, unless there's (another) drip feed coming, I think you're wildly unreasonable for not even having a conversation about it and just banging on about a "dose of reality" and "she can't do it because I've said no to childcare". It's almost like you don't want her to progress.

It’s 7-8 years to get beyond basic training.

Ultimately your ds needs to decide what she wants to do and arrange a suitable work around. It should be nothing to do with you OP. You should have made your position crystal clear and your ds needs to work with that information

Sorry if it's already been said (I've read OP posts only), but the first conversation you need to have is with your mum.
She is being a great mum in trying to support, but it seems that she doesn't understand what she is agreeing to.

Yanbu

The only way to get through doctor training if you have kids is a combination of nanny and other parent being available 24-7 because you will not be able to guarantee your presence at any time. Perhaps your parents can "chip in" by paying a nanny's salary.

You can't do it just relying on the goodwill of family to provide childcare.

That's not 'give and take'

What about the OP? What about her life and choices and commitments?

Why is her sister more important?

I think k you're being realistic which is maybe what is needed.

Could she do physican associate would that be less stressful ? I don't know but certainly not as many years.

Or an AHP Monday to Friday type job?

I would tell ger how proud you are of her and happy she got the grades but going forward what you will or won't ve able to offer for babysitting and see how it fairs out. .

Obviously a Monday to Friday job would mean kids could attend childcare setting / school?

I definitely wouldn't get into the negativity you're expressing here with her (but I absolutely understand where it comes from).

A simple 'Dsis, I'm so delighted for you and if that's your dream, I genuinely wish you all the very best. But I cannot and will not commit to any form of childcare for your son.'

Is the child's father in the picture at all?

Why do so many on here think the OP's life should be taken over by her sister's wants?

What about her life? Family? Career?

@onthebesttrain

I don't think you can comment on this without understanding the underlying family dynamics. OP is worried about being guilt-tripped into providing childcare.

That indicates a history of the sister getting her own way. She may also be somewhat of a golden child the way OP's mother just offered up OP's help. Which she had no right to do. At all. Her mum's already on her sister's side!

If the sister was genuinely capable she'd be exploring all other options not imposing on family. Of course, we don't know if she's done that. as it's OP's mum not the sister whos' said it. But I trust OP to know how her own family behaves.

I don't see why OP needs to be 'supportive' that's often misconstrued as offers of endless help. If the sister is really determined words from anybody else aren't going to affect her. She should just get on with it. Nobody else's opinion is relevant.

yes she would, if they are good. it's only chemistry you really need, biology strongly recommended - fine for the other to be something different

THIS.

Medicine , like law, or academia , being able to up sticks and move around the UK is great , but its perfectly possible to stay in one town. She can move to any large city and stay there for her entire career.

Also there's no real ticking clock, she can start her degree in 10 years time if she wants, work for the NHS in the meantime in some other role until her DC gets a bit older and needs less care. The cut off to train in medicine has been abolished , so she could start aged 40 if she wants.

Lordy.

OP you are being entirely reasonable

This thread is an object lesson in why feminism is still crucial and women haven’t won the battle.

The childcare expectation is on the mothers and their female relations

Females presumed to have endless free labour and resource to give

Guilt piled on if you can’t do the caring grunt work.

Yuck.

Depends. If you're at a London uni, most of your placements will be in the greater london area (though that's a big area) - in 6 years, I had two placements outside of London, one for a week and one for a fortnight.

If you're outside London then you may have further to travel e.g. I think those from Cambridge go to Norfolk for a period of time.

I agree @TackyTimes , their Mum shouldn’t be volunteering the OP to provide this childcare. She has two children of her own, one of whom has additional needs.

(oh and of course OP you are entirely reasonable!)

So who looks after your children?