My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Jealous? Of what exactly?

The OP is a trained midwife. A much sought after profession.

She has her own life and her own family with one SEN child. Why should she be expected to effectively parent her SEN nephew and subsume her own life (as their mother has significant health issues) so her sister can fulfil her dream?

They're making it her business!

Who'll be called on when their mother can't do it?

@Nanny0gg I suspect that @Sleeplessnightssss didn't read the OP's updates.

I can see no sign of any jealousy at all in her posts, just concern.

If you lay out your position so she can go ahead knowing arrangements need to be made.
Maybe she should consider the apprenticeship route whcih may be more suitable and have more flexibility.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in refusing to provide childcare but I find it sad that you seem to want to crush your sister’s dreams. Surely there are ways of trying to support her by looking at what might be available and providing encouragement.
My parents effectively trampled on my ambitions to go to university and I had to endure repeatedly being told I didn’t have the ability in my chosen subject. After a lot of hard work and dogged determination I got a place as a mature student. It was tough but I achieved a good degree. The worst thing was knowing that my family weren’t there for me and feeling totally alone. I couldn’t even talk about times I was struggling because they’d simply say I told you so. This still affects me even years later.

It depends on the age of the child. Certainly some medical schools would offer placements flexibly. It's not unusual not to be able to change towns, or to swap with someone who has a same town placement. The hours are long, but then again , plenty of students enjoy an active social life, so time to parent could be found.

I think your language off off-you aren't in a position to say no, that your sister can't do something. You're only in a position to say what help you will or won't give, then it's up to her.

I did wonder about jealousy, to be honest.

@Nanny0gg I think you are right. I also think OP has lived experience of working in a medical field, and knows her sister, so her having an opinion on this is not unreasonable. As much as OP sets boundaries now, in some families, there will still be pressure in the future to provide childcare.

There are also just so many other related professions that offer better lifestyle, and for OPs sister, better lifetime pay. Why medicine rather than allied health or nursing?

There is nothing in any of the OP's posts to indicate jealousy.

Bit of jealousy here maybe?
i have read majority of your replies and you seem to be intent on explaining why your sister can’t do the course - that’s not for you to decide it’s upto your sister to come to the realisation or to find another way to make it work

your issue is you don’t want to look after her child, so that’s what you say YOU ARE NOT PROVIDING CHILDCARE not that she can’t do the course, she is a grown women and doesn’t need you telling her that

This post comes across as very controlling telling an adult what to do. Tell her you can’t do childcare and leave her to figure out the rest

(oh and btw I would 1 million percent do everything in my power to help my sister if she had such a good opportunity like that, I guess some people are different though)

Like others have said, say no to childcare but don’t tell her she can’t be a doctor.
She may press ahead anyway and get your mother to help, who will probably then try and guilt you into helping.

This is a situation where you are going to have to be comfortable with being a bit of cow (and be seen as such) for saying no.

In this situation if I could easily help I would but if I couldn’t (and right now I couldn’t do it) I would have no qualms in saying no)

How did the meeting go?

@LameBorzoi nursing would still require solid childcare from the outset, uni days, full time placements, nights etc albeit for less years but then who keeps the child once qualified and needing to do shifts? They will still only be little when they finished. Allied health professions may be more family friendly

@onthebesttrain

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

How did your catchup go yesterday OP? Hope you managed to get your point about being unable to provide additional childcare (either directly or indirectly if your mother was unable to) calmly and nobody's really fallen out? Hopefully your sister has managed to find other solid options. 🌹

@AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii Yeah - nursing might offer a shorter time to earning, so therefore financially more feasible, but I agree, logistics are still going to be hard.

So how did it go, @onthebesttrain ?

Your sister needs to speak to one of the doctors and ask how manageable it would be without any childcare support. She needs a massive reality check. It's completely unfair of her to expect you to do her childcare when you have your own children and may well want to work yourself.

You do seem very negative.
You need to get more details.If she is expecting you to do her full time childcare then that is not reasonable. If she has other childcare but might need you a couple of hours a week I would hope that is something you could manage for her.

How would one random doctor be able to attest to her specific circumstances and capacity to get through the training? What if they had a particularly rough or smooth experience? What makes you think a HCA hasn't already spoken to other clinicians? Yet again. It is not that unusual for parents to become doctors. She would need to speak to whatever universities she wants to apply to and find out what support is available then decide if her plan is realistic. Family aren't the only source of support.

Student nurses are expected to work shifts including nights before they even qualify so I would not recommend this. Medical student timetabled work is generally between 8-5 so within nursery hours.