My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Of course you can’t help her. You are already fully occupied.

I think you should be very clear.

Do not start this assuming you'll be able to force me to look after x. I can't and I won't change my mind.

And stay firm on that because they probably think that they can ignore you and if she gets a place can guilt trip you into doing it.

Not everyone is in a position to provide pretty much full time childcare and it's clear you've got too much to be able to take on an additional child.

I don't understand why you're so angry about this. Did you have to give up your career when you didn't want to?

Your sister is entitled to do what she wants, and if she wants to go to medical school then good for her.

You can't offer childcare - fair enough, just tell her that, and wish her the best (through gritted teeth, by the sounds of it).

I’d be so beyond proud if my sister managed to get on to a medicine degree I would do my best to do some help or at least help her find childcare if needed.

I am worried she will go got the place anyway and I will indeed be guilt tripped into it

I know I will stick to no but I'm going to feel so bloody guilty

Why would anyone assume that a non-retired age woman would just be available for random childcare during the day. If you had that time spare you may well want to spent it on your own career advancement, so why should hers trump yours. Would anyone just assume a working age bloke would have swathes of time available for childcare?

You certainly do not have to have Maths or all sciences to get into Medical school. Chemistry is actually the important one as far as qualifications are concerned ( not biology as many assume).
As it happens she has both and at Grade A, her third subject is also an A so is likely to have a number of options should she apply.

Don’t kill her dream but ask her to do her research properly and talk to lots of people; tell her what you can and cannot help with from the beginning. If she wants to do it she will find a way but it won’t be easy. It is her decision but if she is expecting you to look after her child full time she may be dreaming

Never met a HO/SHO with kids beyond 1 or 2... one had a live in nanny, their mum. Not sure on the other but similar would apply

Actually, with all the bottle necks in training these days it’s relatively common for doctors to have DC in their SHO years. I did, I know lots of people who did. No such luck as anything like a live in nanny or local parents though. It was really tough and it only worked by DH working a predictable, 9-5 job he can do from home. I can’t imagine doing it is a single parent.

I’m an NHS doctor and wouldn’t encourage anybody into medicine in the UK but I’m not going to go into that here (look at the retraining in medicine threads or on Reddit for the gory details). That being said if your sister is determined to do it most medical schools are actually pretty good at allocating placements to take into account caring responsibilities (certainly mine was). Some rotations are more antisocial than others (e.g. ED) but on the whole my experience as a medical student was mostly 9/8-4/5ish - roughly as compatible with school/nursery as any other 9-5 job. Outside of my ED placement I only did a handful of night/weekend shifts across my 5 years as a student (the student nurses/midwives definitely had it harder presumably as a consequence of their mentor style training whereas we were attached to a department/specialty primarily). Caveat that was my med school though and others may vary.

As you’re clearly well aware though that all stops on graduation and there’s no guarantee of a job in a specific location. That’s where the difficulty is most likely to come in (especially as she’ll be juggling shift work, childcare and revision for professional exams etc). However that will be at least 5-6 years away and I guess there’s a chance her circumstances may change (apologies if I’ve missed the age of her child/if there’s partner in the picture) that may make things easier.

You’re well within your rights to state your boundaries. If it was my sibling I think I’d offer to help for the occasional shift whilst training/around exam time once qualified but make it clear I couldn’t commit to regular childcare. Unfortunately coming up with childcare solutions is going to be an ongoing challenge for her (and any doctor with children) so she needs to be realistic and come up with plan A, B and C.

Don’t rain on her parade. Let her apply, look into it etc. if she’s that good she ought to be able to find a way. My stepson is doing postgraduate medicine and he’s one of the youngest at 25. Lots of people from all walks of life. Which is good.

It is irrelevant whether you have responsibilities or not. You don't want to offer childcare. It's her dream an ambition, not yours.

I don’t think you need to emote so much

Just say no sorry, I have too many commitments but I wish you the best with it.

Because from what the OP has said, she’s a SAHM to two dcs - she used to be a midwife and stopped as she has a child with additional needs who she is a carer for.

it’s not the first time I’ve seen someone who’s a SAHM been assumed to be able to provide childcare for the rest of the family. (Usually for free, so the SAHM is the only one to miss out)

Yeah but don’t piss on her chips because you feel defensive

You are well within your rights to say you can’t offer practical help

Where is your sisters husband/partner/child dad? Shouldn’t he be one stepping up to support your sister? And if he has family maybe they can help too. Not sure why all one you and your mum?

By all means don’t look after your nephew. But what your sister chooses to do is not any of your business. It’s seems really odd why appear to be so concerned about what she does. If she chooses to go ahead and do the course how she manages the practicalities are for her to worry about. Not you.

What will sister do if she cannot get childcare from you? Not go to uni?

She's being unrealistic. Explain that you're not able to take on that level of responsibility for another child.

Lots of people are capable of lots of different things. Some paths are all but impossible or not worth the sacrifice they'd take. If the sacrifice is wholly her own, fine, but she'd be asking too much of you, your unwell mother, and her own child. She needs to focus on another dream that fits the rest of her life. But I wouldn't tell her that; make it clear that you aren't available to care for her child on top of your own children, and figuring out the rest is up to her, really.

Tbh she needs to be bloody clever to
cope in her situation. Either that or get Ds to his father’s. I take it she’s always been highly academic and used to 12-hr days?

Foundation drs don’t have to move around the country but would be expected to rotate in their training region - some regions are large and shift work is expected. I think it would be hard for her and the child, especially a young child unless she has live in support.

Quite - that's all you need to say, no need to g off on one!

I would support my siblings
But if you don’t want to just say NO

Where is her child’s father ?

I think you need to speak more compassionately to her than you have on here, even if you say no - which I think you are perfectly within your rights to do. You should flag the risks but it absolutely is possible to be a medical student with young children, a number of my friends did it. A PP explains why it's feasible, though as you say the challenge is where she gets a job and doing what. But it's not insurmountable.