My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Her own child has suspected SEN, not as severe a disability as mine but he needs support and attends a good pre school with a very good mainstream catering well for additional needs attached

I'm pretty sure most medical students find themselves moving around the country in more cases than not

Childcare grant is one thing but how about the additional issue of multiple night shifts etc all in different hospitals? My mum isn't well enough to do those and will most certainly try and get me onboard

I got into medical school with exactly those a levels! I'm presuming the OPs sister has had some time away from education and these were results before the a* and weird numbering system came in.

OP you are quite right. Medical school and the first few years are brutal. Then there are all the exams when you start to specialise and the travel for jobs. I have, literally, had jobs in every region in England in the last 20-odd years.

It can be done with young children, but, in my opinion, only if the other parent is there to take on most of the childcare. I'm sure people will disagree with me, but unfortunately I think she's missed the bus with this one and it is absolutely not fair on you to take on this responsibility.

At the end of the day it is your place to decide she can't be a doctor. All you can do is say you can't help with childcare and if she wants to do it she will need to find alternative arrangements.

I'm pretty sure most medical students find themselves moving around the country in more cases than not

Students stay where they are.... it's only once applying after qualifying that they MAY move. And moving to another part of the country maybe something she's up for in six years.

YANBU to say no. You can say something along the lines of “it’s brilliant you want to do that, but just to be clear, I’m already fully committed so I won’t be able to help with childcare”

*isnt

‘No, that doesn’t work for me, sorry’

Change subject and don’t be drawn into it again.

This.

You need to simply make it clear that you will not be offering childcare.

"Sorry but I can't commit to childcare multiple times a week & night, I have my own children to look after." Then change the subject.

YANBU to say no to childcare

But as PP have said, don’t try to tell your sister she can’t do it. Personally I agree with you that it’s crazy but it’s her life and she and your mum can make decisions about their own lives.

You're sisters request is just that a request, you can answer however you choose.
If you don't want to help out then don't but she's just seeing what her options are and who's there to help out.

Sorry I should've been clearer

I meant 'no she can't do it' as in no she can't do it because I can't provide any childcare

And she will certainly need that

You can't be training as a doctor without water tight, reliable childcare

YABU to say your mum & sister need ‘a dose of reality’. It’s inappropriate for you to impose your view on what mayor may not constitute ‘reality’ onto others.

YANBU to politely but firmly decline to take on responsibility for childcare. Ultimately, this is your sister’s problem to solve, not yours.

Huge ask. Absolutely not.

I don't know why you're getting so worked up about all this. Just say you won't provide childcare and be done with it. If your sister is determined to be a doctor, she'll make it happen with or without you.

You need to separate out what is and isn't your concern here OP, it will make it much easier to set and maintain a boundary without getting into a family row.

Your concern: the request that you provide childcare. You can't do this, so be very clear from the outset that it won't be happening, so any plans will need to be made without you being a factor.

Not your concern: your sister's desire to study medicine, how she plans to make that happen, how much it will cost, what your mother will or will not offer, how your sister will juggle studying and her child, any difficulties around travel and shift patterns.

Just keep the message simple - you're not doing it - and refuse to be drawn into the rest of it.

Where is the kid’s dad? If he can step up, you can leave them to it. If he can’t, or won’t, you can still leave them to it.

This is very true. It is good to support a siblings aspirations ...but not at the cost of my ost of your free time. Once you start how do you stop if you get a great opportunity a year in? Do you have kids of your own op? If you do they may well be at a stage where you could have more freedom at the time your sibling needs support. Sometimes parents rely on older siblings for support when all the family are at home, then keep that mindset once they've all left. They can see the elder sibling as adult and the younger as still needing the support and are amazed when that support isn't forthcoming. You've only got one life op ...just like your sister. Use yours to follow your own dreams first. If you want to help and are able to that is good ..I'd you can't or don't want to your mother and sister should understand.

"I meant 'no she can't do it' as in no she can't do it because I can't provide any childcare

And she will certainly need that

You can't be training as a doctor without water tight, reliable childcare"

The only bit you can say no to is the childcare, the other parts of this are her choices to make, not yours.

All four of dd's offers last year were for AAA.

This is also true.

I do think it's great when families can support young parents when possible so they can still have the opportunity to go out and develop a career and the stability that goes along with that. But you need to have the family who are willing and able to resource that.

As a single parent there would be certain considerations made, for example local placements is a strong possibility and there may be grants and funding to go towards childcare spaces. Really she needs to sit down with a careers advisor and a student support advisor from the uni and discuss her options and what help is actually available to her. Then she needs to see what that covers and what it doesn't and ask you all to fill the gaps which you can decline.

I think it would be unfair to tell her she's being unrealistic until she's explored all of those options though. Is there a partner or dad on the scene? Is he paying towards the child's care? Does he have family who could pitch in?

I had to drop out my midwifery degree in my third year when my husband and I split. He didn't drive, I moved to a better area 25 mins drive from him and the childcare just wasn't there. She's insane if she thinks she can do a medical degree with limited childcare options!

Yes, as a midwife, I can completely understand this. Sorry you had to drop out come the third and final year. That's bloody unfair

But yes. Medicine is x10 more of a logistical nightmare than nursery and midwifery

The hours in FY1/2 are insane and so randomly allocated, annual leave often denied, so much so I've even heard of it being denied for major life events in Doctors lives

Add into that 0 family support and no money?