My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Hi! Just wanted to offer my perspective as a doctor who had children in med school.

f1 and f2 won’t be too bad.. She will get special allocation to be in a hospital near her (within 1 hour commute but usually it’s the nearest). She can work anything between 50%- 100% (roughly works out as 3-5 days but there will be some nights/ weekends ofcourse).

What is really hard, is med school. I would never have asked this of my family. It is a full time course with absoloutly no special allowances made for having children. This means school pick ups and drop offs being done by someone else 5 days week. In the first 2 years it will be easier, there are very long holidays to be fair. But once you enter the clinical years, it is hard. It is also a massive financial undertaking. We really struggled. The uni bursaries and funding just do not cover living expenses with kids. Now as a 60% f1 I earn 1500 a month after tax. It is a sacrifice, you need good financial and childcare support.

it is also very hard to get in especially if she can only go to one med school that’s near her home .. I think the average competition ratio is around 8 applicants for every 1 place.

I do think all this is an aside though.. you are perfectly within your right to say ‘No I can’t do that im so sorry’. You have a life and a family and dreams that are no less than hers just because they don’t involve being a doctor. if it really is her dream then she will make it work.. I have friends who were 35 when they started! but it can’t be at the sacrifice to you ❤️

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Its Sunday. Have you given them a dose of reality?

It’s not reasonable to expect you to provide free robust childcare for her for years and years.

I can’t believe there’s people on here suggesting you should facilitate this?!

total madness. You’ve got far too much on your plate to be offering childcare out.

Spell it out now or it sounds like you’ll be guilted into it later

I think there’s more to this too. You’re very negative. Are you jealous of her?

Anyway, it’s up to you if you don’t want to help. But discouraging her from going for it would be mean-spirited and bitter of you.

Don’t do any childcare, but don’t tell her she “can’t do it”. She’ll find a way if she wants it enough. Single parents all over the world do! A nanny, a childminder, your mother, the child’s father etc etc.

Don’t do any childcare, but don’t tell her she “can’t do it”. She’ll find a way if she wants it enough. Single parents all over the world do! A nanny, a childminder, your mother, the child’s father etc etc.

How's she paying for a nanny? It's been said multiple times that her mum can't do it

It's not possible without good childcare that costs ££££, otherwise you would need family support as well as basic childcare funded by a childcare grant etc which won't be enough

She hasn't got that

YANBU to say no, considering your constraints.

YABU to say she needs a dose of reality. She managed A levels with a kid, and there is a childcare grant she can get as a university student instead of using you.

Instead of giving her a dose of reality, why not aid her with student support grants from the Government? I suggest she look at the Government Website and get what support she can.

Just because you used to be a Midwife doesn't mean you know what she will be facing. She needs to make her own decisions, and so do you. You've said no, that is fine, and your right, but it is not your right to say she needs a dose of reality and to put her off her dream. If you do that and "give her a dose of reality" you are TA.

Where’s the dad in all of this @onthebesttrain

Your only concern is that you say NO to being available for childcare and stick to that. What she does beyond that is up to her, and even if she is stuck and she asks, then you say NO because that's what you want to say. It is her problem not yours. You just have to be very clear from the start, not wishy washy and vague , so that she misunderstand you.

You can only be railroaded into it if you let if happen and if you let her guilt trip you.

You can't stop her applying and pursuing it, that is beyond your control. If she gets in, then the childcare is her problem to deal with.

Is the childs father around to share care for the next 5 years? Surely he'd have to step up as well?

Dsis needs to calculate how she'll manage childcare before she applies to med school and you need to be crystal clear to your DM and DSis you can't help out.

I agree with this.

A* came in in 1994.

Maybe at GCSE only? According to this report from 2010, A* at A-Level only came in around 14 years ago

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-11037928

Your sister sounds like a smart lady! 3 A's at level with a toddler must have been hard. If she really wants to do it, she'll make it happen.

In many ways, if her child is already in pre-school, at least she has school hours to cover childcare. She'll have to take student loans to cover pre/after school club, but if she chooses primary well, she could have wrap around care from 7.30-6 Mon-Fri for the next 8 years. That will see her through her degree and f1/f2. It will be hard but med students don't do placements past 6pm usually. She'd have to come home, spend time with DC and then study in the evening, but it's possible. Perhaps dad can spend time with the child if he's around?

YANBU to not offer your help with childcare - your choice, but it doesn't mean not supporting her career plans.

I'd fully support my sister but you know your situation better. Is this time constraint on your side or just "should manage on her own" thinking?

I would wish her luck, but make it clear that you will NOT be available to help her with any of her childcare issues. Your plate is full, your own children need you, especially your special needs child, and you didn't give up your own career to essentially fund your sister's. She'll need to ensure she has help available for all likely medical school and placement scenarios. YOu are not one of those places.

Not to mention it will be the equivalent of someone going through medical/law school while their partner/spouse supports them, then walks away at the end into a great career and a great income leaving their spouse/partner in their wake. You'll have essentially enabled her career, but still be stuck as a carer for your own child. Don't think for a minute she'll feel obligated to help you in return.

I'm sorry, but that's how these scenarios often pan out: so happy and entitled to expect others to step up and do everything for you, but often have no intention of giving back in return.

I'm amazed at those saying you need to be her childcare or you're not being "supportive." Supportive doesn't mean basically giving up your life for several years to care for an additional SEN child and you are absolutely right to decline. They will try to make you feel guilty but they are wrong. If your sister wants to be a doctor she needs to have watertight childcare which will cover 24/7/365.
My daughter is a doctor and there is no way she could have done it if she had children. It is nothing like a regular job. The demands are insane and relentless.

You sound really negative and like you're trying to piss on her dreams. Why not congratulate her, tell her you will do all you can to support her fulfil her dreams but that won't extend to more than the occasional bit of babysitting (as you would now?) given your own situation, and the fact that you're about to go back to full-time work. Be interested and ask how logistics will work but don't judge and certainly don't tell her it's ridiculous. How mean.

Hardly a drip feed when she already said she couldn't do it. Shes clarifying why. Not drip feeding 🙄

My friend did it and paid for childcare. She had 3 nursery nurses from the daycare she used who would do nights for her and take her dd to nursery if need be. Difference is she had child during medical degree though

Would she considered biomedical degree instead. Some unis used to do part time options if you worked in hospital labs

Just say no. If you feel incredibly guilty for any reason or wish you could help them by all means present it as a shit sandwich : I’m so proud you want to train as a dr / sorry I can’t help with childcare / this is what I can help with though ………….

But you aren’t obliged to help at all (only if you want to on your terms )

YANBU to refuse to help but YABU for actively opposing her doing the degree. It comes across as weirdly jealous.
If it was my sister and I wasn't able to help with childcare I would still try to help her: draw up childcare options, go through various pros and cons etc. It's not completely unheard of for single moms to achieve this.

I know people are ‘ordernary students’ but have field trips etc. That’s hard enough.

Hope the conversation is going well today, and that you putting your boundaries in.

A niece of ours is in her 3rd year of her medical degree, and even though she’s super bright (highest A level grades) and very dedicated, she’s finding it hard work. Plus, as a pp has said, sent for training in a different hospital/area not long ago.

How on earth anyone would manage it with a child (unless they had a very willing and capable stay-at-home partner) I can’t imagine.

Stick to your guns OP!