My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

On the Chemistry subject, I stand corrected by previous posters

A decade or two ago, Chemistry was always the necessary one to do back in the day, sounds like things are more flexible now to get into medical school, but still competitive

Although family friend's son is doing A levels and in process of applying to medical school, the medical schools he has applied to require Chemistry so it was his non-negotiable subject.

Anyhow, the OP's sister already has Chemistry, and A grade to boot, so no debate there.

Also presumably if your mum is providing childcare, she will be extremely restricted re which universities she can apply to - nearest only?

But she couldn't do childcare while working full-time anyway. Or do some feel the OP should pay ALL expenses for this nephew also? It's one thing to help on an occasional weekend or in an emergency but something else when working yourself FT, not even taking in OP has children with needs to boot.

You know, being a relative is only part of it. I think the ones who say "they would support their sister and do the childcare", etc., etc., etc., should get in touch with this woman and volunteer their time, money and house, or do free childcare for some woman in their city. I mean, it takes a village, amirite?

I agree with you op. She does need a dose of reality because I bet your mother will not be able to cope looking after the child. My relative is studying medicine and has been placed in different parts of the country. How is that going to work with a young child? Ops mum won't cope and then will guilt trip Op to look after the child. The sister may even have to drop out of medicine as it can all go wrong when Op refuses and mum can't cope anymore. Then Op will get the blame.

OP YANBU to not want to provide childcare- just explain no and be supportive in other ways

Nowadays there are numerous buseries/financial support for (mature) students especially with dependents

Good luck to OP's sister

Quite a lot of posters have stated that they would be more than willing to help their sister to achieve their dream. OP has a disabled child, another is NT; add in to the mix that DSis ' child has special needs. Would posters really want to take that on for.4-7years?
Agree, except it's likely to be for considerably more than 4-7 years.More like until the child is more or less independent, which given that the OP says her sister's child has some additional needs may be longer than average.
Medical school is the easy bit of medical training, it gets a lot harder when you graduate. And things don't magically get easier after the foundation years - anything but in fact. It's not even that much easier once you're a Consultant. You swap one lot of stresses for another, so it's different, but not necessarily "better" and certainly in most specialties there are still very antisocial hours.
Obviously it can be done, but it's hard and it puts a lot of strain on even strong marriages where presumably the other parent had a bit more to do with the decisions around combining parenting and a medical career.
It doesn't sound like the OP would be asked to look after her sister's child once in a blue moon, which I guess most of us would agree to, but to play the kind of role which many who are actually the other parent in situations like this find challenging.
The OP's sister will face many challenges if she decides to pursue a medical career and one of them is figuring out how she is going to balance work, study and parenting. It's not the OP's responsibility to take that on. Like her sister, she gets to make her own life choices and she has her own responsibilities.

I do think you should encourage your sister to follow her dreams, and I don't see where you say you aren't encouraging her; just reservations. But, childcare is well past a "big ask" and more like an "impossible task".

Maybe the uni she is going to go to has a daycare or can recommend a childminder/daycare.

I wish her the best of luck, as the world always needs doctors.

Who said she can't do it because she has a child? Nobody. If OP's sister was married to a millionaire. Or had family able and willing to look after the child, or a supportive spouse. Crack on.
People are just pointing out the difficulties with her being a single parent to a young SEN child. In a profession requiring childcare for unsociable and spontaneous hours.

Did you give up your medical career to look after your children?

Do you miss it?

Is there some resentment that your sister is becoming a much younger you with the life you had?

Your experience of the difficulties she faces is very clear and she isn't thinking straight.

But you don't get to tell her she can't do it.

You sound very chilly towards her.

But I agree that she cannot expect you to provide her childcare and your mother should not have volunteered you in her excitement that her younger daughter was going to do medicine as well as motherhood.

The answer must be a clear, consistent and repetitive no to providing childcare. You already have your hands full with your children's needs.

She and the child's father need to put reliable childcare in place if this is going to work.

You can only be guilt-tripped into doing childcare if you ignore the obvious foot stuck out in your path. Practice saying, "No, I cannot do that." over and over in the mirror.

I admire your sister for wanting to achieve her dream, but your first responsibility is to your children and honestly, you sound stretched thin right now.

Do you even live near to a university that she could study at assuming she was made an offer based on those A Levels? (Not a given if it’s a very competitive institution). Or would she be commuting?

I mean it would be a hard no from me as it’s going to be at least 5 years support and she’ll have limited finances in that time as well.

Has your sister actually expressed serious interest in Medicine or is this coming from your mum?

Do I hear a tinge of just jealousy in your comment?

💯
It's a lot to handle when you have two children already with special needs.

I didn't realize that the OP was no longer a midwife, but she still should not be guilt-tripped into caring for another child.

You mean envy.

There are two issues here and only one of them is yours to consider.

1. Can she become a doctor- not yours, so you don’t need to weigh in, and
2. Can you provide childcare on a regular basis? No, you can’t, your plate is full.

Just respond nicely but firmly to 2.
1 is hers to work out.

You are not in charge of your sister's chosen career path or her career aspirations.

But she doesn’t yet have a profession requiring childcare for unsociable and spontaneous hours. She doesn’t even have a child with diagnosed SEN.

She is many many years away from that. She is planning on studying medicine in Sept 2025 I presume. Qualification is a long way away.

By the time she has her profession and requires unsociable childcare she may well be married to a millionaire. Most likely she will be married to another doctor.

You're right but I've learnt it's usually best to let people make their own mistakes or come to these conclusions through their own process.

Don't tell her it's a very unwise idea. Say something like

"it's really fantastic thing to train as a doctor, you must have been really inspired by your hospital work. As you know I am caring for [disabled child] so I won't be able to provide any childcare help I'm afraid. I just wanted to let you know because I'd hate for you to get the impression from mum that I could and then you not be able to plan an alternative. Hope the dreaming and planning goes well, I am rooting for you!"

It's fascinating how many people on Mumsnet will attack parents who choose to send their kids to boarding school - why bother having kids if you're going to outsource bringing them up etc etc, and yet at the magic word 'doctor', it seems that (bar the OP and a couple of posters) nobody cares about the young SN child at the centre of this.

I'm from a medical family and barely saw one of my parents as a child as they worked such crazy hours, and have watched numerous relatives go through the process (funnily enough siblings and I all avoided medicine like the plague) so have a very good idea what is required.

Dad does not appear to be on the scene, nor the paternal grandparents, so OP's sister is basically going to have to find the equivalent of a foster parent for the next decade. I'm not sure it does get any easier as they get older.

Maybe a 13/14 year old doesn't need picking up from school, but they do actually need at least one parent who is not working/sleeping/studying to take an interest in their life, attend sports matches, school plays, perhaps facilitate their passions, talents and interests - and that's with a NT child let alone one who has extra needs.

I don't think the OP sounds jealous, I think she knows that she'll be guilted into it. I also think she's probably found her own life isn't quite what she was hoping for - instead of being a midwife with two children skipping off to school, she's now a carer and stuck at home. It doesn't sound as if sister has been helping facilitate the OPs career?

I might be feeling a bit grumpy today but the tone of this post is really pissing me off. SHE HAS NOT ASKED YOU FOR HELP. Presumably she is a grown ass woman who can work it out for herself. Your mum over stepped probably because she is proud of her - she shouldn't have, but did so that needs dealing with. Aside from that its got nothing to do with you. But you seem so cross with her for even considering it. Also please stop saying "water tight childcare" over and over again. Yep definitely grumpy

Ugh armchair psychoanalysis.

As a pp referred to has she actually asked you to be used for childcare?

@B00kmark6525 Did you even bother to read all OP's replies, before posting? OP has a child with a severe disability and an NT child. She has more than enough on her plate! She probably needs more help than her sister does!

If I’m honest I can see both sides
100% you have the right to not help. Of course you do.

But medical school isn’t as bad as you think. I had my first child as a second year medical student. Yes I have my husband (who had to work to support us) but moved away for medical school so had no family support whatsoever. Still managed it and graduated. F1/2 is harder. But she would have part time options/it isn’t impossible. I think really what it comes down to is how important this is to her. I’ve had another child during training and yes I’m exhausted but I absolutely love my job and it was the right decision.

A lot of people on this thread seem to think that no one ever has children when they are a dr in training which just isn’t true. Ops sister would have at least five years of mostly social hours for medical school. Many parents work full time in a multitude of other jobs, that isn’t something that only applies to medicine. Plus she would likely complete her independent study in the evenings , once her child is in bed. Many women are single parents, some with little family support and they make it work. It is for ops sister to navigate all these things herself.