If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

I tend to agree with you OP but put your flameproof suit on.

FFS. Autism is not something that you grow out of. Where you're going with this is perpetuating harmful misinformation.

And yet we're told it's a spectrum and/ or a spiky profile. Surely some people are at the milder end of the spectrum compared to someone severely autistic, nonverbal etc? And surely some of the deficits may change as people learn effective coping strategies (and I don't mean masking, I mean effective strategies).

Could it be that you mask so hard you have suppressed everything that is autistic and don't recognise it in yourself?

I was diagnosed autistic at 34 and couldn't see it in myself but could see teenage me in teenage DD who was diagnosed.

Since letting down my guard and unmasking it is clear that I forced autism out of me but never did really because it unleashed with vengeance after a breakdown and when I allowed myself to be my natural self.

I know this won't make sense but I can't explain it.

Have you grown out of it or have you just adapted to it?

I was talking about this with my psychiatrist the other day. I'd get an ADHD diagnosis if I was a teenager today but I would be unlikely to get one now as a 40 year old because all of the ways which I've used to manage it or mask it have been successful enough. And those ways of masking it have just become incredibly normal to me (albeit at some cost, hence the psychiatrist...).

I absolutely think children mature at different rates and so things like social skills may develop a lot later for some than others.

I also think the term autism is being overused atm to cover an awfully large spectrum of things it wasn’t originally intended to cover (for better or worse).

But it’s very hard to have those conversations on here without invoking massive anger.

I am really glad you’re in a good place :)

I struggle more now than ever before. Social situations, knowing how to act and making eye contact is crippling, it's exhausting

I don’t think it’s something you grow out of but I think many many children are being misdiagnosed too early for behaviours that are either within the realms of normal for a child or are things we used to attribute to personality. My child’s pre- school teacher suggested we seek a private diagnosis two weeks in to his first term because he was crying and flapping his hands when I left each day, a couple of weeks later the behaviours had stopped and she said he must have just been finding his feet. He’s sensitive and was distressed at being away from me for the first time and I think sometimes young children who are sensitive/shy/odd/awkward are being diagnosed as well as those who are immature etc

If you outgrew it then you weren't autistic. You said yourself it's something you have for life.
And yes it's very insulting to read something like that when you have two autistic children who face massive struggles every day.

You're probably just good at coping, masking perhaps and have found a lifestyle that works well for you. Many autistic people only struggle in adulthood because they are stuck in a neurotypical world. If you have an ND friendly life then that's great!

🤦‍♀️ good grief.

You don’t grow out of Autism.. you can learn strategies to cope, so you are able to function.

Plus it’s a spectrum, it’s not the same for everyone

My take on it is that we never stop learning. You learnt to overcome a lot of the difficulties you had as a child/teen. Who knows how your learning might have looked in a different context which involved support at school. Depending on the support it could've helped you but it might also have hindered you if you were treated as if there was a limit to your potential.

My own DC was given a Statement of Special Educational needs with significant funding and also overcame their difficulties to such an extent they needed no additional support going into secondary school and the Statement was ceased. They are now at university with no additional support in terms of any additional needs.

Personally, I think the best way is to treat everyone as individuals with individual strengths and weaknesses. I think we need to accept some people have challenges different from our own and be as compassionate to that as we can.

Within work / school settings? I don't know. Listen to people I suppose.

I agree OP. I think a lot of kids on the high- functioning end of the autism spectrum will grow up to be happy, healthy adults with no obvious signs of autism. They will have learned strategies to deal with life and will find their niche.

So many kids have a diagnosis. It follows that the same proportion of adults must also fit some sort of diagnosis but you wouldn't think so when interacting with people in everyday life.

Here is your answer OP:
You NEVER were autistic. You didn’t grow out of it, because you were and always have been NT.

Your list just sounds like a somewhat typical teenage girl?

Well I did most of those things too. I wasn't autistic. It's not something you outgrow, though one can develop a lot of coping mechanisms.
Being diagnosed as autistic is not an excuse for anything- surely it is to get support. If you don't need the support great - welcome to society.

But my DC was not diagnosed with autism. I can't speak from experience in that respect.

Really if there is no diagnosis you cannot say for sure that someone is autistic. The diagnosis is the line in the sand.

You've grown coping mechanisms and masking.

You haven't grown out of anything.

Funny how you say you know it can't be grown out of... Then say you have 😆

Its not a spectrum like going from white to grey to black, or mild to moderate to severe. It is a spectrum like the colour wheel or a mosaic.

I’m similar OP. I read the threads on “what is your ASD teen like” and see my teen self clearly.

Looking back, I was just incredibly socially immature. A lot of my quirky traits naturally became blunted as I matured, without me having to do anything. Other traits I just made a big effort and pushed through- talking on the phone has always been a particular terror for me but after uni, I realised I needed to get over this unless I wanted to work as a builder’s labourer so I just sucked it up. I still hate talking on the phone but it got easier and easier. And (flame-suit on) had I had a diagnosis, I don’t believe I would have pushed through- it would have given me permission to hide behind my diagnosis and my life would have been smaller.

But then isn’t that normal development and socialisation? If you look at toddlers, they don’t give a fuck - they’re violent, antisocial, they don’t feel embarrassment. Then slowly over time they socialise, they learn to play in groups, they learn how to control their impulses to make friends. And that journey continues until the brain is developed in your mid 20s. Even after that we continue to learn and adapt. Doesn’t mean it’s ND ‘masking’

@No33

You've grown coping mechanisms and masking.

You haven't grown out of anything.

You cannot say this without knowing the OP and their whole psychological profile.

Cheers op, what age did you grow out of it, just so I can keep an eye on DD 🤨

Are you sure you are/were autistic? I did all these things and I'm definitely NT. In fact I've never read a more accurate description of me! I think I was just socially unskilled and a cringy, lazy kid. I'm still a bit like that but I also finally got on top of things, for me around age 30-35.